Drowning in a Daydream...

It's been such a long time...

2009-01-07T07:49:00.000-08:00

A lot has changed since my last post, some for the better, some not.

I have no idea if I will post to this blog again, as I consider this part of me to be all but dead. I just can't summon the rabid anger so easily anymore. Maybe I'm getting old, but I feel less like a raging rocker and more like Andy Rooney in a leather jacket these days.

I have another blog elsewhere, but I want it to be a clean start, so message me for the details.

---END OF LINE---

"I am sorry, but all questions must be submitted in writing."

Harry Potter (or, The Media needs to back the fuck off, part I)

2007-08-16T09:38:00.000-07:00

I have an idea for a new series of pieces about a big topic- The Media needs to back the fuck off.

No, not the so-called "Liberal Media" or the misnamed "Conservative Media," because let's face it- The Media is about money, pure and simple. Nor is this restricted to the news media- this is everything. The Media (I use it like a proper name to distinguish the large industry from those little indie film makers who dream about being the next Kevin Smith, or genuinely talented artists and musicians just trying to get a break) needs to back the fuck off.

This idea came when I was reading a private message board and responding to a topic about "What do we do now that there are no more Harry Potter books?"

My first response inside was "Um, be grateful that J.K. Rowling can afford to feed her kids now, and then some, and hope that they are grateful for their mom's labors?"

But that's not what I posted.

Here's my response, which quickly got off on a rant (to borrow a line from Dennis Miller: The Funny Years. Come back to us, Dennis. We miss the funny, insightful guy who skewered everyone regardless of political or media affiliation. Your kids are 10,000 times more likely to die in a car accident than to ever be the victim of a terrorist attack, especially if they don't go to some hotbed country like Iraq or Israel).

Not me. Are [my girlfriend] and I the only people with geek tendencies that don't care about Harry Potter? I don't have a problem with anyone else liking it. The books just don't have that much appeal to me. I have a feeling I would like them a lot if I read them, but I think the runaway success and spikes of hype around the new book releases are what turned me off to the series. Of course, I don't play Madden on my videogame systems (and people who spend most of their gaming time playing Madden or a basketball game are not "hardcore gamers." I don't give a damn what they say- those assholes were the same ones calling us real old-school gamers "nerds" in school). I hate 99% of the crap that mainstream radio plays (I can think of maybe 3 new releases I have heard on the radio in the past year, from bands I didn't already know, that I actually like). Most TV is banal, retread dreck. Even a lot of the films coming out annoy me just from their existence- did we really need Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector? "So you like indie music?" is what I hear when I tell people I hate Top 40 radio. No, because instead of insulting my intelligence by repackaging old songs and overproducing the crap out of them, they insult my intelligence by creating such obtuse shit that no one has a clue whether it is serious or not, then mocking the people who don't "get it." No, I get it, Mr. Indie Guy- you suck, so you try too hard to be "eclectic" and pass off your lousy songs as too "complicated" to be understood by "philistines." People wonder why I like anime and cartoons- it's because animation is one of the few mediums where experimentation and daring concepts are actually encouraged. Even in those fields, there are still formulaic shows designed to sell merch (Dragonball Z, Inuyasha, and Naruto come to mind, even those Inuyasha is by the creator of Ranma 1/2, which is quite good.).

Sorry, Lar, I watch anime and cartoons. Hope I haven't lost your respect- only about 1% of it is hentai (adult), and I don't think my girlfriend would like that, even if I was interested in ecchi. Moving on....

Were the older days about "making money by creating art" as opposed to "creating art by making money," or were they just better at hiding it back then? I have become an art curmudgeon- I am so used to the entertainment business trying to shove garbage into my hands, eyes, ears, and even mouth (thank you fast food and tie-in cereals and sodas). Sorry to jack your thread. The short version is this: The Harry Potter books may very well be worth the hype, but I will at least have to wait until the mania has died down. When I can quietly pick up copies and read them without being harassed from all angles by precocious kids, obnoxious parents, idiot fanboys, and (most importantly) media hype, maybe then I will give them a shot. Then, free from people all around me attempting to influence my decision, I can judge the book on its own merits. If it is truly good writing, it deserves my full attention.

Keep in mind that the other members of this forum are net-friends and my girlfriend, so I didn't want to be too acidic. And who knows, maybe these books are as good as everyone says and it's not just media hype.

I guess I'm going to try to reason it out here. I think it best to start with Part I (since only coders and comic books start with zero), and since a book inspired this, it should be about books.

I will probably end up having to research the New York Times' Best-Seller List at some point. Let's face it, what is one of the biggest accolades a book can get now? No, not all of those medals and awards from peers and industry experts, and not People's Choice awards, but getting on this best-seller list. Being able to put that on your book probably guarantees at least a second printing (unless the book was ridiculously overprinted to start), and it will likely make back the printing costs before it ends up at those half-price book stores that are popping up. Yes, I will have to research it and find out exactly why this list is the big one that guarantees more sales, like an Oscar, Emmy, or Grammy (though it isn't the only one- I will get to that later).

I don't feel like doing research right now. I just want to rant, even if it means being uninformed for the short run.

The reason I won't read the Harry Potter books ever, or at least, not for a while, is because of the ridiculous amount of coverage they are getting, and how stupid people can be when they latch onto something like a full-on fanboy remora, sucking out some semblance of meaning in their otherwise worthless lives. This is something I have been thinking about lately too- sure, I make enough money to pay all of my bills, and I am not in a ridiculous amount of debt, but my job is not that fulfilling. I have been thinking about trying to get a job at a non-profit. Even if it's not my dream job, knowing I am helping a good cause wouldn't hurt. Right now I work at a company that is reaping the benefits of our complicated, greedy, profit-driven medical industry. It's not a bad place to be, but is this really what I want to do with the rest of my life?

Back to the point. First off, as much of a freak as I am, I am nowhere near as bad as these hardcore fanboys, if for no other reason than my weirdness is spread out over several areas (how many video game junkie/beer nerd/anime geek/computer geek/metal freak/aspiring cheese snobs do you know?). Fanboys can sometimes be helpful- well, actually no, because people truly knowledgeable about a genre (as opposed to one series) are not really fanboys. Even if someone is, say, a science fiction geek, he/she will likely have read at least a dozen different authors' works. Fanboys only tend to read 4 or 5 at most in the book realm. Comic books are different because some are artist fanboys (who will buy anything drawn by their favorite artist), others are writer fanboys, and some are more loyal to individual characters or titles.

Anyway, fanboys will look you over if you're in the store and either eagerly attempt to sell you on the book in question, or scoff at you for just getting into it now. This is analagous to those idiot band fans who scoff at anyone just discovering their favorite band. There's a difference between this (using The Cult as an example):

"Yeah, you can start with Sonic Temple- it's pretty good, and easier to get into if you don't know a lot of the band's work, but you should also check out Love, Electric, and the self titled album, because those are even better."

and this:

"What, you're buying Ceremony? Are you an idiot or just a poseur? That's their worst album, and no real fan would buy it. Where have you been? I liked these guys back when they were the Southern Death Cult and, like, nobody in the States even knew who the fuck they were, man."

Which one is going to convince a potential new fan to stick around? In every instance outside the indie rock community, the former will work better. Sometimes I think the counterculture snobs in the indie rock scene do better with the second version. Because the scenesters are sheep, just like those who mindlessly follow pop music. The counterculture types are just a heartier breed of sheep- they have to be, because they have to work harder to know what bands their clique(s) approve and disapprove (instead of being led by Top 40 charts and radio rotation).

For the record, Ceremony may not be The Cult's greatest album, but it still has some good songs on it (and it is still better than a lot of the schlock released around that time).

So that's two factors that might sway a person's opinion- fanboys and best-seller lists. If the book is something the most powerful woman in media (hint: her name starts with "O") enjoys, and she says so in public, that pretty much guarantees at least 2 million sold, even if the book is utter tripe. Let's be honest, a publisher could take a Dick and Jane book, put a new cover on it, and have Oprah shill for it and they'd sell a million of them, easily. Double that if she says "it's a great book for the kids." Fuck, if she was willing to do it, she could make a racist book like Little Black Sambo into a best-seller if she talked it up for 5 minutes on her show. How much power is that?

Fuck the so-called pundits like O'Reilly, Hannity, that filthwhore Coulter, the wannabe filthwhore Michelle Malkin, Limbaugh, and Al Franken....who cares what they think? Get Oprah to like you and you've got something. If I ever write a book, all I need to do is make sure Oprah likes it, and I'll be rich. Then I can write the book I really want to write while a hired accountant counts my money.

As an aside, to any woman out there that is one of Oprah's gyno-soldiers, grow a spine. I'm not saying that you can't watch her, or even buy a couple of things she has endorsed, but find at least 5 things/people/places that she raves about and refuse to like them. Have you own fucking opinion for once. You can watch the woman and even like her show, but stop buying everything she gives the thumbs-up for once. Baaaaa.

Then there's the 800-lb. gorilla in this whole mess (yes, even bigger in influence than Oprah). The advertising agencies, and more importantly, the money they get. When the last book was about to be released, I couldn't get away from Harry Potter short of a one-way flight to Chechnya. Everywhere I went with anything printed on dead trees, I saw a headline or tagline about Harry Potter. On TV, news stories about the potential for people to camp out waiting for midnight so they could buy the book (don't bookstores do preorders like video games or DVDs?). In the theater, trailers for the upcoming movie (based on the last book that every other child in America has already read). On the radio, drive-time DJs making snarky remarks about the "nerds" reading the book- wow, picking on geeks, how original. At least pick on why they can't just wait until the next day or the weekend for the book. Don't lump everyone who isn't a fratboy goon squad member like your listeners (not you- everyone knows you're a geek too, you fucking liar) into one group for your mockery.

There are plenty of sane, rational people who happen to like these books that don't dress in costumes or insist on waiting for hours and hours in line just to be the first to read the book. Meanwhile, as the nerds wait in line, you and your buddies go drink and fecklessly try to get laid with some equally drunken skanks. Because hey, that is so much cooler.

Unlike most nerds, some geeks and a few freaks, I stand a good chance of kicking your ass, so shut the fuck up if you can't come up with good material, you worthless shit-spewing monkeyfuck. I used to be a DJ part time, and most of them aren't exactly what you call healthy- the one DJ I knew who could definitely fuck me up was a Desert Storm vet, and he doesn't make fun of geeks because he has bigger, more obnoxious targets to flash-fry.

Then there was the stupid stunt where those assholes went around with a megaphone spoiling the book for all of the people in line. Hey guys, congrats on your 15 minutes, but I have news for you- the only thing lamer than people who stand in line waiting for midnight to buy the hot new book (or anything else, for that matter) are people who go out of their way just to make fun of them. These people are already either losers, incredibly bored, or without joy in their lives (or all of the above). Instead of taking up a challenge and mocking the mainstream cool kids for their ridiculous social standards of what is beautiful, popular, "cool," masculine, and feminine, you pick on easy targets. You're even worse than those drive-time DJs that suck balls, because no matter how lousy they are, at least they are getting paid for it.

So I basically had to turn everything off, and even then, just passing by a newspaper box would expose me to more insinuated sales pitches. I know about the series, OK? I am not going to give in to a flood of ads and buy the book from the sheer weight of the marketing juggernaut. As I have already mentioned (more or less), this turns me off to things like this. I tend to prefer ad campaigns that offer just enough info to make you curious.

Some stores even carried a book that claimed to have the most likely predictions of what the real book was going to be like. A fucking rumor mill in book form. For sale, not just on the Intermuhnets. I wonder how much those books cost now. More importantly, I wonder how many trees died to produce those wastes of paper. I'm not a hippie or anything, but the thought of thousands of trees being cut down to supply paper for something so worthless makes me want to cry right next to that Italian guy who wanted to be an American Indian in the famous anti-litter campaign from the late 70's. Even a tic-tac-toe strategy guide would have more merit in print than this thing.

There's a question for everyone- what happens to all of the stupid campaign t-shirts once the election is over? Nobody wears 'em after that, do they? For another time, I suppose.

Even just a trip to the grocery store yields Harry Potter greeting cards, paper plates/napkins/party supplies, candy, cereal, fruit snacks, and toys. I suspect that even a trip to the fucking park would end up with some stupid parents yammering on about Harry Potter this and that.

People wonder where backlash comes from- this is it. It just dogpiles, adding pound after bonecrushing pound, until you do one of two things:

1) You cave in. You buy the book, and some fruit snacks for the kids, and promise them a Harry Potter birthday party (which they might not even want by the time the birthday rolls around), get them all of the DVDs, and promise to take them to any and all of the movies. 2) In an act of desperation, you do the psychological equivalent of punching people in the nuts and clawing your way out from under the fat pile of oversell. In other words, you refuse to read it, immediately react in disgust, and look with contempt and even a bit of hatred at anyone who mentions....that name, that damnable name again.

So no, I have not read the Harry Potter books. No, I will probably not read them, at least not unless and until I have kids of my own and there's no more hype machine surrounding them. Even then, I am going to do my best to make sure they aren't exposed to the greedy junk surrounding what might be a good book, if these people are right.

On the other hand, I can't blame a single housemother who has had it rough in the past wanting to make a ton of money. It's not like Lucasfilm was with the prequel trilogy. Lucas and company were already filthy rich; it's as though they blow tons of money on the movies just to have an excuse for all the merchandised product. It's certainly hard to make money off ticket sales alone when the budget is ridiculously huge. I think even Harry Potter managed to avoid having his name put on potato chips and sodas.

At least it encourages literacy. That can't be all bad.

Part II will come....sometime. Don't know which medium I will skewer next, though I kinda touched on all of them here, didn't I?

---END OF LINE---

"I am sorry, but all questions must be submitted in writing."

Surprise, You're Dead.

2007-06-28T07:21:00.000-07:00

I need to issue a thank you letter to someone who will likely never answer me.

Thank you, for cutting three lives short, including your own.
Thank you, for taking what was once a great legacy, a career to be proud of, and pissing all over it.
Thank you, for taking the dreams of all those young kids who idolized you and wanted to follow in your footsteps, and crushing them under your heel.
Thank you, for tainting what was until recently a stellar career, and tainting the careers of anyone who has worked with you by association.
Thank you for dividing your fans into apologists and inquisitors.
Thank you for not having the decency to retire early, if your business life was too much of a strain, and instead choosing to take it out on two other people and yourself.
Thank you again for betraying your family, friends, the memory and legacy of your mentor, and your fans.
Thank you for proving that anyone who has enough spotlight is not suitable as a role model, no matter how things may appear on the surface.
And lastly, thank you for proving me and my cynical worldview right. Again. Here I was, thinking that in a business full of snakes and slimebags with massive egos, that you were a light in the darkness, someone that put aside office politics and masturbating one's ego to just go out there and do what he does best to the best of his ability. You were above all that crap, or so I thought. You were the one the fans could rely on to put in 110% every time, no matter what. Looks like you fooled us all.

For all these things, I say, with a tanker truck full of venom, bile, and sarcasm, thank you, Chris Benoit. Perhaps you can answer me when I see you in hell.

---END OF LINE---

"I am sorry, but all questions must be submitted in writing."

CD mixin'

2007-05-03T21:34:00.000-07:00

I participated in a CD-mix project recently. OK, so I wasn't fully participating, but I did send a couple of people a mix CD. I wrote liner notes that I think turned out halfway decent. Post-mail-um notes are in red

The Contents of this CD:

Prong - Another Worldly Device
Anthrax - Nobody Knows Anything
Ministry - N.W.O.
White Zombie - Super-Charger Heaven
Motorhead - Nothing Up My Sleeve
The Wildhearts - Suckerpunch
COC - In the Arms of God
Queensryche - The Whisper
The Cult - She Sells Sanctuary
Buckcherry - Dead Again
Skin Yard - Undertow
Nudeswirl - F-Sharp
Alice In Chains - We Die Young
Pride & Glory - Troubled Wine
Faith No More - Midlife Crisis
Front Line Assembly - Mindphaser
Infectious Grooves - Monster Skank
The Katies - Noggin' Poundin'
Cake - Satan Is My Motor

Welcome to my first (and who knows, maybe not my last) Rock Primer. This is definitely a "taste disc" from the standpoint of being songs I happen to like. There is not a hard-and-fast, cohesive genre, and of course there are many tracks that I ended up leaving out.

(yes, I know at least one, if not a couple of songs don't really qualify as "rock." They are good anyway. Bite me.)

One thing these songs have in common is that they all convinced me that the artist was either worth checking out, or if I already knew them, worth more than a cassette single purchase (these kids and their iTunes and band websites...they don't know how lucky they have it- but I digress...).

A brief track-by-track rundown:

1) "Another Worldly Device" is one of the best opening tracks in the history of hard rock, period. This would be an awesome entrance theme for a wrestler or something. I use it as such in a wrestling game, actually. Now if we can only get a rasslin' game for the 360 that is neither horribly incomplete (Rumble Roses XX), cancelled indefinitely and not released outside of Japan (Wrestle Kingdom), nor a gimmick-laden PS2 game with better graphics and a stripped-down create-a-wrestler mode (Smackdown vs. Raw 2007)...

2) This is a track from Anthrax's 2004 release We've Come For You All. The drums are insane here. This album is proof that the band still has plenty of fuel in the tank. (And fuck anyone who says otherwise. Maybe John Bush does make them sound more like Armored Saint, but you could do a lot worse than that.)

3) Ahh, Ministry....industrial for metalheads. If not for this track, I would not have checked them out much. They did do "Every Day Is Halloween," after all (which has a spot waiting in my 80's collection, but that's another story). (Industrial purists who say Ministry sucks can also fuck off, by the way. I am not into Skinny Puppy- deal with it.)

4) Rob Zombie has a knack for writing bad-ass car songs. This is his best, edging out "Black Sunshine" by a nose because this one makes me want to drive faster. An evil grin creeps across my face and I grip the wheel a little bit tighter when I hear this one starting up. (I will agree with anyone who prefers White Zombie to Rob's solo work. C'mon, Rob, even if you don't do any more new material, would it kill you to do one reunion tour? Just one? Oh, and Sean Yseult can make me her bitch anytime.)

5) I think anyone who likes it loud should at least be familiar with a couple of Motorhead songs. They play raw, barely-polished rock that goes back and forth from proto-thrash to just plain bawdy rawk 'n' roll. I don't tend to trust anyone who says they are "metal" that doesn't know at least like ("like?" What the fuck, am I 12 years old again?) one Motorhead song. (If you don't even know "Ace of Spades," then you aren't metal for sure. If you don't know any other songs, then there's still a good chance you are a poseur.)

6) The Wildhearts are one of the most criminally overlooked groups in recent history. A fistful of punk attitude, tempered by bubblegum-y, pop anthem group vocals, catchy choruses, and wailing guitar solos. A fan on Amazon described them as "the Beatles meet the Sex Pistols." I heartily agree. These guys were doing pop-metal-punk fusion before it was cool....plus they are better than Green Day. (Even the most upbeat, poppy Wildhearts tune kicks more ass than what passes for "punk" on the radio these days, if not all current punk period.)

7) Corrosion of Conformity lost a chunk of fans when they ditched their somewhat unoriginal thrash sound for a sludgy, stomp-rock-from-the-pits-of-hell approach. Sucks to be them. This one is off their 2005 release of the same name. If you like loud, politically charged, gloom and doom- ah forget it. Just check the CD out. If you don't like it at least a little, then you probably don't like Sabbath, either. And if you don't like Sabbath, then you probably aren't metal. (What can I say? COC is badass. There's a new Down album coming out soon, too- if you don't know them, they are like a sludge metal all-star band, featuring Pepper Keenan of COC, Phil Anselmo of Pantera aka the only man in music that might be angrier than Glenn Danzig, and, of course, the Dude from Crowbar. I know his name is Kirk or something, but I like to think "Dude from Crowbar" sounds more iconic.)

8) Shifting gears to prog rock. Stop laughing- Queensryche is still damn good, even with the cheese-keys. They actually manage to not abuse them (a feat only rarely duplicated, like with Van Halen's 1984). The twin guitars that open this are amazing live. (I regret missing the Mindcrime/Mindcrime II back-to-back tour, because it will likely never happen again. Mindcrime II is not the classic that the first one was, but it is a damn fine album anyway.)

9) And now we get to a band that goths and I might have in common....if they don't suck. The Cult is not just "Fire Woman." They are ever shifting back and forth between the melancholy of the Cure and the raucousness of Bon Scott-era AC/DC, never quite crossing over either line. (Where the hell are these guys when we need them? Can someone please teach these emo and screamo brats that you can be moody and still rock?)

10) Buckcherry is fronted by a guy named Josh Todd, whom Sleazegrinder.com bills as "Axl Rose's Understudy." Imagine a band with the raw passion of Guns & Roses, but without Axl's bitchy attitude and a tighter sense of camaraderie. This is one of my favorites from the first album, which is a lost treasure. (I missed these guys with Black Stone Cherry recently. One band I have been wanting to see for 8 years, and the other is one of the few new bands to interest me in a long time.)

11) I know this band from the singer's next project, Gruntruck. Oddly enough, I discovered them thanks to Beavis and Butt-Head (and access to the record libe for my radio show in college). They are considered contemporaries of Soundgarden and Green River, which means they are on the more kick-ass side of grunge. People dog on grunge too much. There's still plenty of good stuff among the floor-watching junk. (There are plenty of hard rock and metal bands that donned oversize sweaters and stocking caps and passed themselves off as grunge. Lucky for us, because there was a lot of alternative from that era that sucked.)

12) ...which brings us to Nudeswirl. Released one album, about half of the songs are decent, and the other half are great. "F-Sharp" is proof that stoner rock can be experimental without being slow or boring. (These dudes have reunited a couple of times in recent years, but they never leave Boston or wherever the hell they are from.)

13) Most people over the age of about 16 or so know who Alice in Chains is. They were a stealth metal band. Listen to this song and tell me they belong with the mopey "alt-rock" cavalcade of the 90's. I dare ya. (The only grunge connection is the heroin references, which were a bit prophetic since an overdose killed Layne Staley.)

14) Pride and Glory was Zakk Wylde's first side project. He wanted to do something a bit different, something that paid homage to his influences that also kept his distinct guitar style. The band only lasted one album, and Zakk says he has no plans to record with the other two guys again because Black Label Society keeps him plenty busy. It's a shame, but they did leave us one good album (and there's plenty of P&G influence in BLS). Good foot-stompin', blues-tinged swamp rock. (If you are a Zakk Wylde fan- even if you just like the Ozzy albums he's been on, track this down already, damn it.)

15) Another abrupt gear change. Faith No More were the not-so-merry pranksters of the hard rock world. This was the song that proved to me they were more than just "Epic." Angel Dust is a better album than The Real Thing, too. Amazing how grim sounding bass, keys, and vocals can be. (I admit, I am an idiot for not checking out Mr. Bungle more, especially since I am a big fan of Mike Patton's vocals.)

16) And again, changing up. Front Line Assembly started as a purist industrial group. No real instruments- everything was synthed/sampled. The nerd in me thought that was kinda cool, so I borrowed an album from a hacker friend. This song is the one that sold me on them. This is a good group if you need to stay sinister but need a break from in-your-face metal. (A college buddy of mine hated the fact that they added guitars later on- I didn't think it was bad, and he did. Of course, he is an industrial purist and I am not, so there ya go.)

17) The Infectious Grooves were the Funkadelic to Suicidal Tendencies' Parliament. The Grooves were more rock-tinged funk, and Suicidal was funk-tinged post-punk. I knew who the hell Robert Trujillo was long before he joined Metallica. (As long as he is playing for Metallica, we probably won't see any new stuff from either the Grooves or Suicidal. It is sad to know that some kids out there playing Guitar Hero II still don't get the sarcasm in the song "Institutionalized." Stupid-ass kids...)

18) I have a soft spot for power pop....sometimes. Matthew Sweet, the Wildhearts' more mellow tunes, and these cats from Murfreesboro (about half an hour from Nashville). The Katies were a damn institution in the mid-90's, and they are back together now. Considering how a lot of bubblegum-y schlock bands are making big bucks, it's criminal that their one major label release didn't do much. (But hey, people are stupid. Proof of this is in the fact that people are buying this wanna-be teenybopper pop schlock Gwen Stefani's putting out. Kids, I'm almost 31 and she is at least 3 years older than me. She ain't no kid. I hate this new sell-out-my-band Gwen Stefani. What the hell happened to the pink-haired, angsty, just-about-to-get-really-pissed Gwen from the Return of Saturn days? I actually kinda liked where they went with that. Even the sappy ballad "Simple Kind of Life" had something real behind it. Then she decided to regress into early teenhood, but I digress. My dream Nashville 1991 rock card would be bill of The Katies, Valentine Saloon, and Royal Court of China. Power pop and sleaze rock, Nashville style. Fuck yeah. If you like power pop, you owe yourself this album.)

19) OK, this isn't metal, it's not hard rock, it's not even power pop. The guitar and bass have zero crunch and distortion on them. And the vocalist meanders like he's doing jazz improv on every song. But it does have "Satan" in the title, right? Cake is one of the few bands those perpetually ball-capped frat boy pricks (who are somehow luckier with the girls despite being total dumbasses) and I have in common. Jerry Garcia died years ago, Phish was never worth the time, Widespread Panic bores me...what the hell is with all the damned sucktastic hippie music anyway? At least the Dead were at the forefront of the thing and not borrowing from someone else. Sometimes I get in a very, very silly mood, but not so much that I want to listen to super-cheese from the 80's. Cake fills that gap nicely. Fun, distinct, and chicks seem to dig it at parties. (Cake are rock pranksters to be sure. Not as wink-wink-nudge-nudge as the Barenaked Ladies, and not as "wait, are they actually joking or not?" as that new Finger Eleven single. I love 'em. They make their songs the way they want, and you can tell they are having a good time playing them. They manage to capture a sense of "live" even in their studio work. Everyone needs to mellow out every once in a while.)

I hope you enjoy the disc. Don't forget to form the Ward of the Evil Eye (better known as "devil horns") while listening.

---END OF LINE---

"I am sorry, but all questions must be submitted in writing."

Double downer...

2007-03-12T09:47:00.000-07:00

Boston vocalist Brad Delp found dead at 55.

Yeah, yeah, Boston isn't metal, blah blah blah. They can't help it if "More Than A Feeling" was overplayed. The band was still amazingly good, and Delp had a voice that few in popular music could match. I can't even hit his higher notes in falsetto...

I mean, nobody says you have to admit you liked Boston, but you probably did in secret. I never went out of my way to admit I was a big fan, but as long as I didn't hear them too often on the radio, I liked 'em just fine.

Richard Jeni dead of a gunshot wound at 49

This one hits me a bit closer to the heart. Richard Jeni was one of the better stand-up comedians to come along in a long damn time. His McDonald's routine is a classic. I won't try to duplicate it, but the gist is "don't mock the McDonald's employees, because they are back there alone with your food." See also: Burger World, Beavis and Butt-Head's employment with

Sucky day for famous-land...

---END OF LINE---

"I am sorry, but all questions must be submitted in writing."

More on the ATHF 'scare'

2007-02-02T13:09:00.000-08:00

Rather, two more legit scares where no one's getting in trouble: Dolphin finds a "bomb-like object."

Why stop at humans with the terrorism accusations? I bet they won't even investigate what it really is or how it got there.

Two fake pipe bombs found not part of marketing stunt.

Thank God the Boston Herald is sround, because otherwise no one would've ever figured out that fake pipe bombs have NOTHING to do with LED-studded circuit boards....asswipes. What's worse, unlike the Aqua Teen guerrilla marketing campaign, this was intended to scare people, and the object was intended to look like a pipe bomb.

Yet the perpetrator wasn't even arrested. Meanwhile, two guys hanging what are in essence Lite-Brites in public might do time.

The war on terror needs to include the battle against bullshit.

---END OF LINE---

"I am sorry, but all questions must be submitted in writing."

An Open Letter to Boston

2007-02-02T08:29:00.000-08:00

Your anti-terrorism unit is run by morons. Slow morons, too.

CNN's site's version Fox News version

Gee, whose the "sensationalist media" now, hm? To be fair, apparently CNN also tracked the lite-brites up to the minute too. Everyone who gave this so much coverage should be ashamed of themselves, because you just made Aqua Teen Hunger Force the coolest show in America. (It was pretty cool before, but now even the frat boy goons that think "cartoons are for kids...and nerds we like to beat up" will watch it now.

A guy named Ryan said it best on the Bostonist blog (first quote is from Turner):

"They have been in place for two to three weeks in Boston, New York, Los Angeles, Chicago, Atlanta, Seattle, Portland, Austin, San Francisco, and Philadelphia. Parent company Turner Broadcasting is in contact with local and federal law enforcement on the exact locations of the billboards. We regret that they were mistakenly thought to pose any danger."

At least the residents of New York, Los Angeles, Chicago, Atlanta, Seattle, Portland, Austin, San Francisco, and Philadelphia realize that LiteBrights with a picture of a cartoon character poses no threat to anybody.

And to top it all off, they had been there for 3 weeks. If they were bombs, you'd already be FUCKED, guys.

I'm trying to consider this from the point of view of the bomb squad. Why not just take them down? Maybe it's not protocol or something. I have a feeling it went down like this:

Bomb Tech: Sir, it looks like a bunch of LEDs on a board with a battery-
His Boss: We have orders to destroy the device.
Bomb Tech: But sir, it's just lights. There's no explosive, no detonator, nothing. It lights up and shows this block-shaped guy, and he looks like he's flipping the bird-
His Boss: Blow it up. Now. Or you're fired.
Bomb Tech: (sigh) OK, fine.

Isn't there something to be said for not causing a giant bomb scare and general panic and confusion? I cannot believe that a bomb tech would say "this is dangerous and we should blow it up to play it safe." If so, that tech should be kicked out of that line of work. I doubt that any explosives guy worth his salt would think that a circuit board, some LEDs, and a battery would constitute a "bomb."

For fuck's sake, what's next? Dr. Cube's logo is a "symbol of gang activity?" (It has been used to tag walls and billboards in the New England states before).

Fucking tools. It's sad that Turner has to apologize because of a couple of idiots in Boston. And now, real terrorists could use boxes with lights on them to divert attention from the real bombs they plant elsewhere. They could've before, too, but now they have evidence that they can scare people like that. It wouldn't surprise me if terrorist operatives planted fakes for a long time, lulling people into a false sense of security, then placing the real bombs and doing a lot of damage to people and property.

I might be buying fireworks and shooting them off in July (not in my county, where they are illegal, but in a county where they are permitted). What if I put a big box labeled "terrorist attack" over them before they blow? Is that going to get me arrested?

I wouldn't really do it, because this act of mere tastelessness would probably land me in jail.

This is non-partisan overreaction, by the way. I think it's a matter of ratings-hungry journalists and other tools overreacting, as opposed to 99% of the rest of the world that either

a) thinks it's no big deal or b) were folks in/with family in Boston who were led to believe it was by the media.

I hope Olbermann kills these morons verbally.

EDIT: Someone found an equally pathetic overreaction that didn't get as much press:

And I thought I was paranoid....

---END OF LINE---

"I am sorry, but all questions must be submitted in writing."

Midterm Election Ballyhoo....

2006-11-07T21:26:00.000-08:00

Well, I voted. This means, of course, I have every right to bitch about the results.

First off, to the 20% or so of Tennesseans who had the courage, fair-mindedness, and BALLS to vote against Amendment 1, the remarks in the next paragraph do not apply to you. This goes double for those among you who might find homosexuality personally repugnant, but still voted against an amendment that challenges civil liberties. As an American who values true freedom over fair-weather patriotism, I thank you. Also, my money says that the majority of you live in either Nashville or Memphis, too.

For the other 80%, I have these things to say. Thank you for setting us back 20 more years. Thank you for helping to maintain the stereotype that everyone in this state is a backwater hillbilly who doesn't even know about the joys of indoor plumbing. Hey, every American citizen deserves the same rights as everyone else....unless they happen to be gay. They don't count, right? Fuck you. Just because a man like fucking other men, or a woman likes cunnilingus over fellatio, doesn't mean they deserve fewer rights under the law. There will be clarifications out the ass (pun intended) needed for this amendment.

Hell, add the words "of the same race" to the amendment, and it's like a 60-year trip back in time! (Thanks to my wonderful girlfriend for that gem of wisdom- she's absolutely right.)

Where the fuck were you "states rights" gomers, huh? Making exceptions now? Did you even read the fucking amendment, you assclowns? It says this:

Any policy or law or judicial interpretation, purporting to define marriage as anything other than the historical institution and legal contract between one man and one woman, is contrary to the public policy of this state and shall be void and unenforceable in Tennessee. If another state or foreign jurisdiction issues a license for persons to marry and if such marriage is prohibited in this state by the provisions of this section, then the marriage shall be void and unenforceable in this state.

So guess what? If you get married in another state (or hell, another country) where gay marriage is legal, and you come to Tennessee, too bad, it's null and void! What if a nice gay couple from Boston comes down here and gets in a car wreck? No insurance for one of them? How about if only one gets seriously injured- is the other not allowed visitation because he's not "family?" What if a Swedish lesbian couple visits and the same thing happens? Is their marriage null and void, too? Of course, they both have great medical benefits already, but you should get the point now. Hell, can people dodge the law if they are pre-op transsexuals? What about post-op, even though they can't "be fruitful and multiply" if they do that?

Where do we stand if a king from a country where poligamy is legal decides to visit with his 6 wives? Are we to say "sorry, only one of these is legal while you are here, the rest of these chicks are just your bitches on the side?" Meanwhile, the king says "I could buy you, poor American peasant" and walks on by undeterred. Yes, polygamy is illegal in this country (marrying more than one person at once), but last I checked there's nothing in the lawbooks that says "marriages that are legal outside this country but not legal in the US are null and void while visiting the US, even if you don't become a citizen here."

Who the fuck is Tennessee to decide if what is legal in another state (much less country) is legal here? What next, if someone goes to a legal brothel in Nevada and comes back, they get arrested for soliciting a prostitute? Travel to a country where weed is legal, smoke it there, come back with no drugs save the traces in your system- does that mean you are to be arrested, too? Hey, why not arrest anyone who went down to a casino over the weekend? Gambling's illegal here, isn't it?

Get this through your thick fucking skulls, people- you have not banned gay marriage forever. All you have done is opened up a Pandora's Box of legal challenges and questions, and made us look like backward-ass hicks who feel that the Bill of Rights only applies if you like fucking the opposite sex.

If the amendment was to "ban the performance of marriages between same-sex couples and the recognition thereof," then that's different. That is banning gay marriage from being performed in the state of Tennessee. That is what you want, because it means that same-sex couples cannot be married here, and that any same-sex marriages performed here will not be recognized as legal and binding. This is within the power of the state to do, if voted into law as an amendment.

Instead, now we will have to spend thousands, if not millions of dollars, defining what marriage is and is not, because there are loopholes now.

As Richard Jeni said, "Gay people have as much right to get married, be miserable, get divorced, and lose half their shit as the rest of us." What's so wrong with that? I mean, you want people to be married and faithful, then you want to tell up to 10% of the population "you can't get married." You're going to have to pick one or the other at this point. Gays aren't going away- just like the rest of us who aren't White Anglo-Saxon Protestants, we are American too. If you don't like that, move to Norway or Finland- they still hate the dark-skinned and the non-Jesus-freaks too. Well, except for that small patch of anti-Christian Satanists and Odinists, but they are a huge minority.

"Protecting marriage" my hairy nutsack. Sweden is one of a few countries that legalized gay marriages. Did marriage fall apart? Did the divorce rate skyrocket? Did kids raised by gay parents all turn into depraved psychopaths? Guess what actually happened- NOTHING FUCKING CHANGED! Gay people divorce at about the same rate. Kids growing up to be psychos has been about the same rate, too. If anything, considering the pressure society puts on people to be pretty, fit, and heterosexual, I would think that allowing gay marriage would increase the successful marriage rate. If a gay relationship can withstand all of the homophobia around it, marriage is a fuckin' cake walk.

"But the Bible says it's wrong!" No, it doesn't. At least, not your scripture, you thump-happy Gentile fuck. My people's law states that "if a man lays with another man, he shall be considered unclean." This "unclean" proclamation also applied to those who ate shellfish, had tattoos, and women on their periods. This means that, except for the tats, you had to undergo a spiritual cleansing to be "pure" again. If you had a tattoo, well, unless you can get laser surgery, you're hosed. Back when these laws were written, tattooed folk were utterly fucked, barring a loss of the body part with the ink. So much for y'all with those pretty little crosses tattooed on you- what, I'm wrong? That means you're cherry-picking the laws like most normal people do....I thought either you believed them all or you didn't believe any of it? Fuckheads.

And you know what, even if it does, who cares? This isn't about scripture, this is about the laws of state and country. Gay people aren't hurting you, even if you think in some twisted logic that they are "wrong." I have news for you- I think you are fucking wrong. I am tired of "morality this" and "Jesus that" and meanwhile your top dogs keep getting caught fucking prostitutes, underage girls, or accused of having affairs with the very people you are trying to convert or remove. Get the fuck away from me, stop trying to tell me how to live my life. I am not breaking the law, I am being faithful and monogamous with my wonderful girlfriend, am legally and gainfully employed, make no challenges to your freedom of speech (though as part of that I reserve the right to challenge your freedom from logic, and you also have the same right) and I even pay my taxes early. Fuck off, already.

Here's a brilliant idea. You want to protect the sanctity of marriage? Live by example- have a good, healthy, monogamous relationship with one person and stay true to it. End it honestly if you decide it is not working out, before things get ugly and before fucking anyone else. Those who throw stones the hardest tend to live in the most delicate houses. Work on your own damned shortcomings and mind your own damned business. Let God decide if the gay people are "sinners." I doubt he will think they are just because they are gay, but hey, no one will know until they are dead. That's why it's called "faith."

Civil discourse is fine, but 95% of you Bible-thumpers don't know the meaning of either of those words, and want to save us "damned" people whether we like it or not.

I know, "What, Flesh, are you a closet queer or something?" Nope, sorry to disappoint you (because if you are that much of a raging homophobe, it's probably because you are in severe denial of your own sexuality). I am just a pissed off Jew that knows if this shit continues, I might very well be next. I won't forget what my relatives (including my great uncle Jack, a Holocaust survivor, God bless him) went through in the concentration camps. I know, this is America, not Nazi Germany, but complacency is only one step away from collusion.

If one group is denied rights, then what's next? You coming for me, you evangelical fucks? Gonna tell me I can't buy sexy lingerie for my girlfriend (even if she probably won't wear it)? Are you going to force me to pray your way, or else? You gonna try to take away my rock and roll? Because if you ever try to do that, you will be sorry, you fucking right-wing goatfuckers, because like Twisted Sister said, you can't stop rock 'n' roll, bitches.

And people wonder why I am such a misanthrope. Fuck, at least misanthropy is equal opportunity. I will see all of you intolerant fuckers in Hell, where my honesty with my shortcomings will at least allow me an hour a day to blow your fucking genitalia off with a rocket launcher.

I'll put it in smaller words so that everyone can understand. If you are a Christian who can deal with the fact that people are different from you, then the above doesn't apply. If you are a cross-swinging fundie who can't accept the fact that not everyone agrees with you, then, in short, I think you need to get a life.

---END OF LINE---

"I am sorry, but all questions must be submitted in writing."

Comic Book Babes

2006-08-19T06:20:00.000-07:00

Damn it, the feminists are in my head again.

Hold it. Don't send the vitriolic hate mail yet, readers without Y chromosomes (hopefully that is more acceptable than "girls," "ladies," the pseudo-gender-neutral "guys," "chicks," etc.). Hear me out. I always hear everyone else out. It's my policy. Besides, it's more fun to pick apart the entire argument, no? All I ask is that you read this post in its entirety before calling for my head. That goes double for you alpha-male macho fuckheads who will inevitably call me less than a man for daring to be anything but a typical male frat-boy conformist dickhead who is a total asshole around women.

In spare moments at my ever-increasingly frustrating, stress-filled work environment, I've been taking a few spare moments to look up subjects of geeky interest on Wikipedia and such. The latest round was on comic book characters. Wikipedia is generally a wonderful way to get caught up on stuff you've been away from for a while.

I was going through and remembering the comics I used to read, looking up all of the nifty-neato villains (yes, the heroes are cool and the good guys and all that, but what hero decides he is going to commit crimes themed around the calendar or based entirely around pennies), when I stumbled onto them. I think you know- villainesses. This entry in particular got me thinking.

Ah, to be a teenager again. Granted, I'm only about 13 years away from being a teenager, and some teens today were alive when Nirvana hit the big time, so I am not that old yet. Comic books were fun- big stories, larger than life heroes and villains, and, to put it in the current vernacular, "hawt chicks."

Yes, I will admit it- comic books were a relatively safe way to be able to enjoy the beauty of the female form without being arrested or at least branded a pervert. I think they introduce legions of pubescent boys to the notion that girls are not "icky," as it were. Even if it was perverse, at least these weren't real women, right? Porn was objectifying real women, women with hopes, dreams, and most importantly, feelings. Women who might want to go 5 minutes without some drooling yakface gawking over their every curve. These people were completely made up. They weren't real. They were ink and paper. I figured if I didn't look at real women the way I looked at these drawings, I was OK, right?

Maybe not...

I was into comics most when the whole "bad girl" phenomenon was getting out of hand. I liked comic book women....I told myself that if I was picky, and chose only the ones who had decent writing to back them up, then I can justify reading a comic book with some cheesecake in it.

Sequential Tart did a hilarious, justifiably scathing look at this trend: see these articles for more info (or to refresh your memory). People think a lot of comics these days are bad with the sexed-up femme fatale characters? Take a look at these- it was far worse in the early 90s.

Bad Girls Revisited Part 1
Bad Girls Revisited Part 2
Bad Girls Revisited Part 3
Bad Girls Revisited Part 4

One example of the Bad Girl subgenre was Gen13. It is one of my favorites to come out of this era. Yes, it had a requisite "bad girl" in Fairchild, but then they actually started giving the characters some personality (and getting away from the bad girl art style). Fairchild was a nerdy, introverted bookworm at the very beginning of the series, who abruptly manifests her powers into a super-strong, super tough amazonian woman. Of course, at the time this was done so J. Scott Campbell had an excuse to draw Caitlin in the "classic" (using the term very loosely, I might add) torn dress, I-can-see-your-undies layout, (un?)suitable for pinning to a teen boy's wall.

There have been other, similar situations throughout comics with both genders, but it's funny how the men are always discreetly covered up. Most of the time they are rendered in the fetal position, or perhaps shown only from the waist up in close-ups, with a distance shot with just enough detail to show they aren't in costume. Every now and then you get something different- Savage Dragon was drawn in a couple of panels with more attention to his butt. At least Erik Larsen is equal opportunity, right?

There was one issue of Trencher (an oddly illustrated, oddly written, oddly amusing Image title- very out-of-place with the Bad Girl Era) where he is revived into a fresh cadaver (when he dies, he is sent into a new corpse, which transforms to look like him). Said cadaver was, of course, naked, and the artist put a tiny panel (Trencher was noted for wildly distorted proportions, which added to the trippiness of the whole thing) over his nether regions with the words "SORRY GALS" on it. Trencher appeared to be looking down there, too, almost in disappointment- maybe his last body was hung like a horse or something. This was a great, albeit sideways take on anatomy in comics. Keith Giffen was probably mocking the bad girl trend and the double-standard of how male versus female characters are depicted. Come to think of it, I remember a target of Trencher's being a sexed-up, leather-clad psycho-bitch...but she was an old lady, with none of the sex appeal that most comic buyers want. It was as if Keith Giffen was standing over your shoulder, saying "How's that for a 'bad girl,' fanboy?" before proceeding to laugh his ass off.

Meanwhile, the women either are naked and barely covered, but in a way to emphasize their tits and ass, or their underwear is shown for the world to see. In the latter case, the undies always manage to fit perfectly, instead of slipping off ("popping might be appropriate for the bras) or becoming painfully tight (I guess there are limits even in this realm, because it seems like a golden opportunity for an especially warped artist to render a painful-looking, S&M-level camel toe). One advantage of being the sick fuck that I am is that I can just come out and say "tits and ass" instead of hiding behind the softening term "T&A." I prefer to be brutally, ugly-honest here, because this is a brutal, ugly issue.

Tangent tiiiime!!

I have a real-life example of how the modesty on male costumes is not that realistic in many cases. If you ever watch professional wrestling, it should be noted that both men and women (non-wrestling WWE so-called "divas" don't count) usually wear 2 sets of tights or at least some undies under their visible getups. Apparently it is based on the "rulebook" that was used in the days before kayfabe was broken (i.e. wrestling admitted it was an act and not an actual competitive sport), and now it is more for tradition or as a precaution against accidents. Even this doesn't hide everything.

I have my girlfriend watching it with me now sometimes- it has all the crass appeal of reality TV or Jerry Springer, but you KNOW it is all an act, and outside the context of the show, most people will not deny this. We both dread one wrestler in particular. Not because he is physically impressive, scary-looking, makes his moves look especially painful, or even because his matches royally suck. He's in good shape, like most WWE guys have to be now, but beyond that none of the above applies to him. His name is Matt Stryker, and we fear him because of..."the bulge." I don't know if he does this intentionally or what, but for some reason Stryker wears tights that seem a bit....thinner in the material than most of the guys.

In other words, it is hard not to notice his junk. Both my girlfriend and I frequently yell "oh, OH, Arghh, God, stop it, NO!" and avert our eyes when he shows up on screen. Look up some images of the guy. His tights are more appropriate to a strip joint then a wrestling ring (at least the other guys try not to overemphasize their units when they wear the undies). I could even understand (but still be disturbed by it) if he had a Gorgeous George/Rick Rude "super-stud" gimmick, but his gimmick (and former real profession) is a teacher, for fuck's sake. He should know better, right?

Then turn around and find pictures of Japanese women wrestlers. While a few do wear outfits to play up the tart factor, many of them wear outfits that, while overly ornate and bordering on impractical, don't show every nook and cranny of their bodies. They are mostly functional- allow for maximum mobility, coverage in almost any situation, yet still have a sense of style. If I ever try to draw comics again, I will use their outfits as reference material for serious female character costumes (not counting any jokes or the one exception I would allow myself for a single, over-the-top vampy female character).

OK, now that I have demonstrated empirical evidence that spandex can both be ridiculously revealing on men and not be so on women, back to Gen13.

Rainmaker, who shows up soon after, is only somewhat less buxom than Fairchild in her initial renderings. Freefall is actually somewhat realistically proportioned, but in the original series this was likely to make sure she didn't overshadow Caitlin Fairchild's super-stacked frame.

Later artists de-emphazised these attributes to some degree, or made an effort to show she was more than just a hot redhead. They succeeded to some degree, which is why Gen13 is one of my favorite titles. They managed somehow to both please the rabid drooling fanboys and actually have something worth reading behind all that. I even liked a fair amount of the Arcudi and Lobdell-written issues, and I am definitely in the minority there because they downplayed the female characters' bodies and focused more on their personalities. Needless to say, these runs were not too popular because comic book fans at the time had to go and prove the stereotype that comic book readers are all ugly, smelly nerds who can't get a real woman, so they buy their soft-core spandex fantasy material and make do with that. Not to say every issue was good- some of them were pretty bland, but at least they were trying to salvage a good idea from the pits of a stupid trend.

One of my favorite guest renderings of the team was actually done by Terry Moore (of Strangers in Paradise fame). Yes, Caitlin still had the improbable outfit (on the cover, anyway), but he somehow made it less sleazy and more an homage to old-school comic books characters. Maybe it wasn't because he drew it more modestly than usual (which he did), but because he gave Caitlin some depth. The two-part "Ordinary Heroes" specials by Adam Hughes also did this well. Caitlin was a beautiful, strong, intelligent, compassionate woman, more than a typical "comic book babe." She was someone that, if she were real, you would want to talk to and get to know, not just gawk at.

(I have another confession to make that will likely piss off any feminist reading this. I love Adam Hughes' art. He does awesome cheesecake pinup work. One of my all-time favorite pieces of comic book art was his rendition of Black Widow in a one-piece wetsuit-type swimsuit. She looked beautiful, intense, powerful, and "I can kick your ass and you know it, fanboy" all at once. Maybe it's the fanboy in me talking, but Hughes seems to have a knack for making his depictions of women seem less...gratuitous. The man drew Wonder Woman as a real amazon for a run of covers, too. Maybe it's the fact that the female characters he draws, even for cheesecake appeal, don't look exactly the same.)

That, to me, is a good measure of whether or not a character is worthwhile, especially a female one. Is this someone you would want to talk to about music or politics or art or culture or fishing or whatever else? Someone you'd like hanging out with at a bar with your friends? If the only appeal of a character is "he kicks ass" or "she's hawt" (feel free to swap those around depending on your preferences), then the character either needs some work or outright sucks. At its worst, Gen13 was in the "needs some work" category- when it wasn't all about the hot chicks, and you got to listen to them talk like rational human beings, Sarah, Roxy, and Caitlin actually had individual personalities. Best of all, none of them were rape victims/ex-prostitutes/lost parents to violent crime. Caitlin's father was missing in action (he showed up later, only to die a heroic death protecting the team), Roxy grew up in a single-parent household (Roxy and Caitlin later find out they are half-sisters- Mr. Fairchild had an affair with Roxy's mom, if memory serves), and Sarah grew up on reservation (which is certainly a stereotypcial American Indian character origin explanation, but at least that isn't quiteas common).

Sarah Rainmaker had a silly outfit (basically a sleeveless catsuit with one leg missing, so it was half-swimsuit, half-catsuit). There's no real logic to that, except for the fanboys. Freefall's outfit was relatively practical- a leotard whose legs went down to the knee, with a leather jacket. This was often covered with a pair of shorts, so one could chalk it up to Roxy having an odd sense of fashion.

Caitlin wore a ridiculous outfit, but at least she was super-tough. She could get away with it- this is a character that got hit by a train and subsequently picked the damned thing up and hurled it at her foes. I actually base my argument around similar "exception" cases pleaded for characters like the She-Hulk and Starfire. If you can go through a building unscathed, I don't see why you can't wear whatever the hell you want. Starfire has an alibi (though a rather flimsy one) of being from an alien world. She-Hulk is very intelligent. I get the impression that she is making the most of being a smart librarian-type being trapped in the body of a green amazon. I also think she is smart enough to realize that the less intelligent foes out there might be distracted for a split second by her body and attire (or lack thereof) and thus make it easier to knock them across town. It works for She-Hulk and Starfire. Caitlin was always self-conscious about her appearance, so it seems to make no sense (to anyone in the comic world, at least) why she would continue to wear a costume that is depicted by many as a thong leotard.

To the credit of those who came after the original creative team, they did use this as a means of building Caitlin's character. In one spinoff book, she emerges from a bathroom stall wondering how female heroes handled using the restroom before the invention of snap bottoms. In another story, she was forced to wear a provocative outfit that was essentially futuristic lingerie because her intended quarry was known to "really like garters." Needless to say, she wasn't fond of the idea even if she felt she had no choice. She has been depicted a few times in variant outfits that covered more, but those were isolated incidents. If she were confident about her looks (like She-Hulk or a few other choice characters) it might be less silly, but she makes it clear that she hates guys that gawk at her stark, statuesque beauty and don't seem to care how smart she is. Couldn't she have found a happy medium? Something made for active bad-guy clobbering and yet not out of a Frederick's of Hollywood catalog? As much as the 14-year-old in me likes her default outfit, my adult logic is winning out, at least for any circumstance outside an actual pin-up piece.

Fortunately, it looks like the relaunch might be better- Kat still has spandex, but the cover puts her in pants. It's a small step towards reasonability, right?

There's a growing movement to get more comic books to grow up and not treat their female characters as hot pieces of ass who can also kick it. These people want to see some depth to their characters. I am in agreement- I definitely like the idea of more characters with depth. However, I do think there are rare circumstances where it is passable to allow for sexed-up depictions of female characters.

They should be kept very rare, both to make them more special and to turn the medum away from this as a "standard." No more "resident vamp" characters in every team book. It's just dumb. Frankly, I am surprised that the otherwise manic-fun Teen Titans series on Cartoon Network puts Starfire in a miniskirt and crop top (though it is still more modest than the usual) and Raven in a bodysuit (in the Victoria's Secret, swimwear-plus-sleeves sense).
I have to side with the fanboys on this one, much as I do for She-Hulk and Starfire- let Power Girl go already. Based on what I have read, there seems to be a lot of evidence that she has kept her costume because she realizes her appearance can be used to her advantage, or at least to bait men into making lewd and sexist comments so she can turn around and chastise them. Mean, yes. Out-of-character? Doesn't seem to be. I'd like to see her in something more practical- hell, even a head-to-toe white suit would be more appropriate, but I doubt it will happen.
To go further with the first point above, when the vast majority of female superheroines seem to be rendered as tarted-up sexpots, it makes the handful (again, handful) of characters that really are tarty sexpots, who use their beauty and men's hormones against them, pointless. There are genuine seductress-type villains whose costumes are more modest than other characters who have no reason to be showing that much skin. This kills their effectiveness.
I could go either way on Black Canary and Zatanna- their outfits were considered sexy back in the day, but if they are not altered from the old renderings (i.e. no moving the cut of the leotards up, no plunging the necklines, etc.), then I don't see what is wrong with leaving their outfits as they are.
Harley Quinn is a great example of a female character that should make almost everyone on all sides happy- she has a distinct personality, a sharp wit, a madcap sense of humor, takes no crap from anyone (excepting the Joker, but she has an irrational love for him), and happens to look cute in her choice of costume. Her costume, more importantly, makes sense (she is an equally demented ally of the Joker- two different takes of the "evil clown" idea that is the basis for their characters). Real harlequins wear outfits far more ridiculous than hers, and they are almost always skin-tight too. The fact that she is attractive is more of a "fringe benefit" to the droolers than anything- I could imagine Harley having a story where she's horribly disfigured and takes a turn toward even more sinister acts.
Witchblade is not a tart, she is, like Jessica Rabbit, drawn that way. Yes, the title hasn't always been written well, yes, the idea of someone as beautiful as Sara Pezzini that doesn't understand why guys trip over themselves all the time when they first see her is pretty farfetched, and yes, there are too many instances for gratuitous cheesecake, but there were some very good issues where she remained fully clothed everywhere except the cover. I feel that they are trying to make everyone happy with it- try to work good writing in, with just enough pinup factor to keep the fanboys happy.
Stop picking on Angela already. Angela is dead, first off. Secondly, Gaiman made sure to parody the "babe factor" of the angelic hosts in the Spawn universe multiple times. Third, Angela falls into the category of someone who knows she's a babe and uses it to her advantage. You can dismiss all of her successors as decorative androids with huge tits and ridiculously ornate bladed weapons- they are. At the least, consider Gaiman's three-issue Angela miniseries making very good lemonade out of disproportionate lemons.

I saw the new cover for that new series Frank Miller is working on, and it is sexist. Guess what- he may have already won. He did it on purpose to push people's buttons, and it worked like a charm. It's sexist and classless, but it will sell a lot of books, even more so because people will think "oh, this is the one so many people were all worked up about."

Look at 2 Live Crew. Controversy made them rich at the time- it could be considered poetic justice in a sense that they promptly went off the radar after the controversy was over. I suspect the same will happen here: The book gets a shitload of attention, sells a bunch of copies, then is promptly forgotten once it's over. Of course, that is a big part of the problem, but at the same time, rage and hate could very well be taken as "a bunch of bitchy chicks mad over a little piece of tail on a comic book cover."

It's not that I think it is wrong to be mad about it. It's not that feminists don't have every right or justification to say "this is fucking bullshit," because even though my understanding of their position is incomplete at best, well, let's face it- they are right. How many more ads, shows, movies, video games, songs, and pieces of art focus on how pretty a woman is, with everything else secondary? Only an idiot would be blind to see that.

The problem I have is that people are so used to the rage that they tune it out or meet it with more rage. I am merely calling for a different plan of attack. Besides, nothing is more fun that being completely level-headed while pissing a narrow-minded twit off.

Even though it is dreadfully wrong to do so, I'm going to (briefly) frame it in terms I know, because I feel in this particular instance it shows that I am trying to understand how feminist comic book fans feel about this:

I know I get mad about anti-Semitism sometimes, and as bad as that is I cannot even fathom how much this kind of things pisses off a forward-thinking person period. Needless to say, I can only in very vague terms imagine how it must piss off a feminist who is also a comic book fan. Barring the chance to physically turn into a woman for a long period of time, I will never know. Even then, my understanding would only increase somewhat- more of a "I think I have a better idea of how they feel," not "Now I know how they feel."

My concern is this- outrage seems to be backfiring a lot lately, unless you're a PAC that has shitloads of money. It makes me wonder if it would be better to simply read and review the book and trash the living hell out of it in a well-written, thoughtful review. Point out how shallow it is and how even Jim Lee rendering sleaze is still sleaze. Take the snooty approach. Talk down to it- if it is trash, it deserves it, right? Say things like "this will appeal to idiot fanboys who have never talked to a woman, much less know about them." If enough critics jump on and deride the book for the soft core adolescent fantasy that it is (you have to admit Jim Lee does hit the mark, even if he's aiming at the wrong target, as it were), then maybe the book will do horribly and they'll can it.

I'm not telling anyone what to do- I'm just trying my best to figure out what I would do, were I in that situation. Why? Fuck if I know- maybe someone will find me "insightful" or something, but more than likely someone will find this and call me an "idiot perpetrator of the fallocracy" or something like that.

Feminism and equality issues are things I constantly struggle with. I think most sane people do. I often have to verbally remind myself that most Palestinians and even Muslims are not raging terrorists, nor do they support such abhorrent acts. I also remind my friends and family about that, too. Gender issues are particularly difficult to me because the group that has privilege that I belong to is particularly large and cuts across all other divides.

It's hormonal to start with, then we are programmed to believe that male hormonal urges (the urge to fuck anything we find attractive in order to perpetuate the species) are more acceptable than whatever primal instincts women may have, unless they fit into a man's idea of what a woman should be. Guys are hard-wired to want to fuck any woman they find attractive. Does this give them the right to do it, or anything else related to it, whether physical, psychological, or legal? Fuck no. But it does explain a lot.

I'm not trying to offer any kind of excuse for any sort of bad or criminal behavior. I feel that the underlying problem is this lust, this carnal urge to have sex with as many women as possible. Any man that says he doesn't have it is either a eunuch or a god-damned liar. Gays and bisexuals have it- the gender of objectification is just different. I am sure some transgender folks do too. It is hard-wired into our brains- we think about it every 10 seconds or so. While I will certainly apologize for treating a woman as anything less than a person, I will not apologize for being born with raging hormones. I think about sex a lot. It happens. I do fantasize about having sex with other people. It happens, because I am a man. Does that mean I will cheat on my girlfriend, or that I think it is right to do so? Hell, no. But being a man means that from about age 12 on to death. If a man has one thought per second, every tenth one will be about having sex, or someone's gorgeous legs, nice ass, sexy voice, wonderful conversational skills- it depends on the guy.

To me, the problem behind the problem is how in the hell do we find a way to deal with the testosterone-fueled urge to fuck? Prostitutes and their ilk don't seem like the answer, and porno is a temporary solution at best, staving off the inevitable breakdown. Some say religion, but that just sublimates the desire and often causes more problems with gender issues than it solves (c.f. those fuckhead "Promise Keepers").

Too bad we can't just sit down and talk it out. Men can admit that we are all closet perverts, and even though we know better sometimes we just can't help but stare at a woman's butt for a second or two if we find her attractive. We can admit that there must be ways to turn this instinct's overall negative factors towards positive ends. Perhaps women will be willing to forgive but not forget if men make an earnest effort to truly respect them as people. Men should also not be afraid to show their feelings- I feel this is a big part of the problem, too. Men are supposed to be stoic and stone-like- catcalling "the hot chicks" is one of the few vaguely emotional things men are allowed to do. Maybe we need jerk-off booths available for times when a guy just can't get the thoughts out of his head. I don't know.

The only things that I feel men can ask of women are that they be patient and understanding- hundreds of lifetimes' worth of social programming is not going to go away overnight. Firmly call us out on our bullshit, but grant us forgiveness when we admit that we fucked up. If we ask dumb questions, humor us.

In doing research for this, I found a bunch of interesting sites. I will post the links in the future- I have spent way too much time on this and I am fried because of a lack of sleep because some IDIOT called the wrong number at 6:55 am on a Saturday.

I just spent hours writing a piece on sexism and comic books. I really am a geek trapped in an ogre's body.

And if you say I am a girly-man, or a "faggot" because I dare to express more than lust or rage, well, that's your damned problem- you will likely never be able to look me in the eye and say it. A real man knows his fears and insecurities and faces them down- that is the true definition of bravery. If you think there's nothing wrong with you, then you have a big fucking problem because no one is faultless.

And if you are a woman and I said anything to piss you off, well, good. I would be amazed if I didn't piss anyone off anytime I write here. It's my job. Tell me about what pissed you off, in great detail. I can always learn something from someone willing to talk to me like a civilized human. If you leave it at "you will never understand, you are privileged," "you are a misogynist" (that's misanthrope, thanks- I hate everyone), or "fuck you, you fucking fuck." then you're right, I never will understand, and that won't help anything.

I've said it before and I'll say it again- stupid people have it good sometimes. They can live life and never think about heavy shit like this. Sometimes knowing I am a goat and not a sheep is cold comfort.

---END OF LINE---

"I am sorry, but all questions must be submitted in writing ."

Modern technology

2005-10-01T11:09:00.000-07:00

Or, crappy cameraphone pics from Thursday's show.

If you were there and can correct any miscaptioning, song-wise, let me know.

I know these photos aren't nearly as nice as ones taken with a real camera. If I had wanted that I would've brought one (need to get a sneakable digital point-n-shoot). Part of the point behind these was to capture how spur-of-the-moment my decision was. If you need perfect pics, do a Google search for "Queensryche Nashville Ryman Pics" and I am sure at least a few will turn up. Even though everyone and everything ended up being abstracted by the camera's lower quality (come on, we're talking half a megapixel here), I think they manage to convey the vibe of the show pretty well.

Remember, most of these are from the first half- I was too busy watching to snap anything from the Mindcrime set.

"The Whisper"

Mike Stone takes center stage

This was during "Empire"

"Take Hold of the Flame"

These next 4 were taken during "Jet City Woman" if I remember correctly.

"Jet-"

"City-"

"Woooomaaaaan!"

I think this was during "Walk in the Shadows." I loved how the lights turned out here- it looks more like pyro.

Show's end- you can see the stage setup a little bit better here. People were scrambling to grab the set lists taped to the stage.

---END OF LINE---

"I am sorry, but all questions must be submitted in writing."

Worth my 40 bucks...

2005-09-30T20:30:00.000-07:00

Saw Queensryche last night for the first time live.

Geoff Tate is in his mid-forties and, while he can't hit all of the insane high notes live that he could get in the studio over a decade ago, he still has serious vocal chops. If I can keep half my range when I get that old, I will be happy with my voice.

The first half of the show started with the twin guitars of Michael Wilton and Mike Stone (not the original guitarist- that's Chris Degarmo, but no disrespect to Mike because he can fucking shred too) into "The Whisper" off Rage for Order. And here I thought they'd start with something from Empire. I think it's a standard for concerts- you have to start with a familiar, yet old-school song that the newbie fans won't know. The Wildhearts began with "Greetings from Shitsville." Then again, COC started with the first songs off In The Arms of God, "Stone Breaker," so maybe I'm wrong. Can't blame 'em though- it begins with a smooth Stevie Ray Vaughn-inspired lead, then commences the thundering, stompy riffage. But I am getting way off topic.

Anywho, they did "Empire" complete with the light cues for "East side (show stage right lights) meets west side (show stage left lights), downtown (cue lights on the front section)." They also got in "Jet City Woman," "Another Rainy Night," and "Silent Lucidity." In case you don't remember, "Silent Lucidity" is the one that was a huge hit in the early 90's- one of those songs everyone knows but no one remembers the title of, kinda like how most poseurs and non-rockers know The Ramones' "Blitzkrieg Bop" as that "hey-ho-let's go song." From Rage for Order, in addition to "The Whisper" we got "Walk in the Shadows." From The Warning we heard "Take Hold of the Flame," and Hear in the Now Frontier's "Sign of the Times" made it in too. The first time I heard that song I told my then-roommate Brendan "it sounds too much like Queensryche's take on a David Bowie song or something." It's not a bad song, it just didn't feel as distinct to me as much of their other work.

They even played "Last Time in Paris" from the damned Ford Fairlane soundtrack. Yes, that Ford Fairlane, the movie with Andrew Dice Clay that had a bigger budget, yet was not as fun as the so-bad-it's-good Brain Smasher- A Love Story. Plus no Teri Hatcher in her young hot days, either. I digress again.

OK, so the first act was cool enough- the boys can play like hell, and it was pretty good. But the best was yet to come.

After waiting in a long line for a piss break (about 2 spots behind me was the VP of the first radio station I worked for- needless to say he didn't recognize me, the prick), I returned to my seat just in time to see a weird, sunken-eyed, yet vaguely familiar figure with a megaphone shouting anti-authoritarian slogans before being tackled and hauled off by two cops and a Rock Solid security guard. I knew the real show was about to begin. The lights went out, and they showed an animated clip of the opening of the album- "I Remember Now," where the saucy-sounding British nurse (well hell, any woman under 50 with a prim British accent sounds saucy to me) delivers a shot of sedative with the words "Sweet dreams- you bastard."

The opening music on the album is called "Anarchy-X," a driving anthem centered around Scott Rockenfield's battle-anthem style drums....it is truly a metal military march.

They went straight into Revolution Calling, and the show was on in earnest. They interspersed video (which is mostly what is happening in Nikki, the young protagonist's mind) with actors onstage performing some of the actions that occur in the story. For those who are paying attention, Nikki is the guy that was brought down by the cops before the lights went down.

Everything after that is kind of a blur. Random thoughts from the show in no particular order- for the most part I was too busy soaking it in.

1) Pamela Moore (the original voice of Sister Mary) can still belt it out like she did back in '88. If I and the future Mrs. Fleshrender can look half as good as Geoff and Pamela when we get older, I will be a happy man indeed. I have to admit I am interested in the idea of checking out her hard-rock side project, Radar.

2) Geoff Tate is old-school when it comes to performing. He really gets into the music and wants the audience to feel it. One thing I hate about a lot of modern "rock" music is that the bands don't seem to give a fuck if anything is going on in the audience. I don't mind this so much when there's an audience of 50 or something, but there are people who play to audiences of 200 or more that are like that.

Hell, I can even let it go if the disinterested band for the crowd of 200 is the opener, though it seems like they are dooming themselves to remaining openers if they act like that. There are headliners that don't bother trying to get into it and get the audience going. That sucks. Talk to the people. Even the "so cliche that we need a new word because cliche isn't enough anymore" phrase "Hey, (city name), are you ready to rock?" works wonders. That's why I'd be a mediocre frontman- I am not that good at getting the crowd going.

3) Did I mention that Mike Stone and Michael Wilton sound like they've been playing together for ten years even though it's only been a few? Fucking awesome.

4) Eddie Jackson is the badass of the band. He was the only one flipping birds and saying "motherfucker" to everyone. In a nice way, like "come on you fuckers, let's rock!" At the end, he looked right at me and chucked a pick. The hand of fate slapped it away, basically saying "not tonight bitch- no souvenir for you." My buddy George (who works for a promotions firm and got me the awesome seat) got it, so I guess it's fitting. Besides, at least I can come by his office and look at it later.

I should also note that Eddie is a great backing vocalist as well as an underrated bass player.

5) I have to admit I was expecting a bit more theatrical stuff. Don't get me wrong, this is one of the best live performances I've ever seen, but I was led to believe it was more stage and less live band on stage or something.

6) The Ryman is a wonderful place to see a concert. If you're a real music fan, find out if one of your favorite bands is going to play Ryman and make it a weekend. It's worth it- the acoustics are just perfect. If all else fails, find out when Lucinda Williams will be there again- that's worth it and she plays the Ryman at least once every year or two.

7) At first I was bummed out because we didn't get to hear anything from Mindcrime II performed live. Then I was skimming through the band's news archives and found out why. In exchange for getting one or two Mindcrime II songs live, and some other old-school faves and gems, the earlier tour dates didn't get Mindcrime live. I think I can live with that.

All in all, a great night, and any rock fan must see Mindcrime live just once. Has to be done. A hard rock or metal fan passing this show up is doing his or herself a grave disservice. Yes, it was that fucking good. If you live somewhere that they won't be playing anytime soon, then go get one of the live DVDs. I have to admit, I want to check out Operation: Livecrime since it was done in 1990- as good as Geoff still sounds, I would expect that he could hit every note from the original album back then.

Our IT guy has seen these guys 10 times live, so needless to say he enjoyed the show. Today he mentioned that he'd like to see a Mindcrime movie. I told him about my insane animated movie/series idea:

Act 1 would be a visually different, but otherwise straightforward retelling of Mindcrime. Act II is a take on Fear Factory's Obsolete. I am not sure how I handle the transition. One idea I had was having Nikki abducted from the hospital, changed into something inhuman (the anti-hero known as Edgecrusher), and forced to work for yet another shadow organization. Nikki knows what it's like, but somehow this one seems different. Can he trust them? They aren't keeping him doped up anymore, but they have taken some of his humanity. The plot of Obsolete is one where the concept of "the corporate machine" and "the political machine" have basically gotten so out of hand that the literal machines have taken over humanity. If the Fear Factory boys aren't Queensryche fans, then I would be absolutely amazed since there's a lot of the same vibe in Obsolete. Another option would be to make it a parallel story (i.e. Edgecrusher is someone that knew Nikki or maybe even someone that has a similar background).

Act III would be the "final battle" sequence, and here I would draw on other bands' music, like Cleansing-era Prong, certain songs from 'Ryche's Rage for Order, and other stuff from bands like Fight, Sepultura, and Megadeth (I doubt Metallica would want anything to do with this. For that matter, Megadeth probably wouldn't either). I'd probably have to add one song from someone like Alter Bridge or Audioslave or something, just to get "the kids" into it.

Basically I'd like to do something like Heavy Metal, but with more depth. Mindcrime, in my not so humble opinion, would be a fantastic animated feature if handled by the right team. I think Masamune Shirow (the man behind Ghost in the Shell) could make it an amazing piece. Geoff, if you somehow stumble on this, get Manga Entertainment on the phone if you decide to look at animation.

This is taken from the official Queensryche website, from a column dated 6-27-2005 by Mitch Lafon of Brave Words and Bloody Knuckles (hell, that name alone deserves a link).

For a long time fans said "do an Operation: Mindcrime II," but you said "no – we're not going to do that." Why have you decided to do it and where do you find the inspiration to do it?

Tate: "I really hadn't thought seriously about doing it until I got asked about a year ago to write a treatment for a screenplay for the Mindcrime album. In doing so, I found all this information that you have to come up with when writing a screenplay which you don't need to include when you're doing a musical record – back story, character development and all that. As I was writing it out and getting more detail, I found that I had so much material that a sequel was obvious. The more I worked on it – the more interested I became and then I mentioned it to the band and they seemed to like the idea. We found it challenging to take the theme ideas and move them into the 21st century with new production ideas and a more mature approach to the music. So, everybody got on the same page and when you can get everybody from a band on the same page when you're writing a record it's a miraculous thing. So, you run with it."

Is there an Operation: Mindcrime movie? When is that coming out?

Tate: It's not even in production yet. We're still writing the screenplay for it.

Looks like your wish might very well come true, amigo.

---END OF LINE---

"I am sorry, but all questions must be submitted in writing."

Playing catch up...

2005-09-30T19:43:00.000-07:00

A lot has happened since my last writing, no?

Katrina, Rita....and then there were those horrible hurricanes.

Thank you, I'm here all week, folks.

Seriously, I'm debating on whether to go down there in a couple of weeks to assist with cleanup. Being the antisocial sort I am, I have a feeling I won't go. I am not fond of charity work where I have to interact with the recipients at all- I'm always concerned I'll say or do something stupid and really hurt someone's feelings.

Normally I stick to "leave well enough alone." But these are people who not only lost everything, they had to endure days of lawlessness and survival. Everyone else said their piece about the handling of Katrina already, so I'll sum it up by saying most of what Daily Kos has to say about it is right on the money.

We lost Bob Denver, too. Catch ya later, little buddy. I was not a huge fan of Gilligan's Island, but Denver seemed like a genuinely nice guy and appreciated everything his fame got him, so he seemed like an OK Joe to me.

According to Corrosion of Conformity's official site, Pepper Keenan's house got flooded and his bar was shot at. Once it's rebuilt (or hell, if he wants some help rebuilding it), I have to go there. Fellow N'Awliners The Suplecs are OK, too.

In less important personal news, I got a raise and (until we move) my own office. I needed to be free of distractions, and my desk was right next to the tiny kitchen so it often turned into hangout central. I talked to our I-hope-to-God-he-is-the-next-GM about it and I got my office. I get a lot more work done without constant "Matt, how do I do this?" At the least they think twice before they bug me, so only the important stuff comes my way.

I've been driving my new 05 Mazda 3 for 2 months now and I fucking love it. I think it's the most fun to drive, performance-wise, for under 20 grand. I managed to get a very good interest rate with nothing down and no trade. Granted it's a 60-month loan, so that is where they make their money, but I can always pay it down more quickly.

What a bitch to sell the old Cougar. Apparently there were 7 different brake sensor units made for the 94-97 era models, and mine died. I was lucky enough to find one that matched, so I sold the car off as soon as I got a remotely reasonable offer.

I finally got my insurance claim for my flooded carpet (neighbor's water heater broke). Only downside is that now I have to take half a day off to have them come install it unless I want to wait 6 more weeks.

Ah well, at least from a day-to-day standpoint I can't complain. Unfortunately this all but kills my creative drive. I am a tortured artist- the worse off I am, the better my creative exploits tend to be.

But I have a concert to go over, so let's get to it.

---END OF LINE---

"I am sorry, but all questions must be submitted in writing."

With a new face, you might surprise yourself....

2005-08-15T20:47:00.000-07:00

Big fucking update time.

Point one: Saw Corrosion of Conformity live a couple of months ago. They fucking tore the house down. Alabama Thunderpussy, Crowbar, and Suplecs were there as well. Time for a capsule, stream-of-consciousness review:

The Suplecs are a hardcore trio out of Nawlins (that's "New Orleans" to you Yankees). I'm not into the whole hardcore scene- to me, much of it sounds like they can't decide if they want to be punk or metal. The Suplecs were different. They had fun on stage and they play like madmen. Imagine three stoner slacker dudes that calmly walk on stage and out of nowhere you hear fast, throttling war drums, a bass that sounds like Robert Trujillo in his Infectious Grooves days hyped up on some serious speed....then then guitar comes in, seamlessly transitioning between stoner-metal slow jamming and thrash-worthy speed metal. That pretty much sums 'em up.

I got their CD, Powtin' on the Outside, Pawty on the Inside, and it's a fun listen. Sense of humor is right: on the back of the CD, a paper-bag-headed redneck with a Fleur-de-lis tattoo and "Aints" on his mask gives a tongue-in-cheek nod to their hometown football team. Highlights include the anthemic "Gotta Pain," the thrashy-punchy "Burnt," and the one that kicked ass live, "Tsunami."

I think they still have a little growing to do. Not like they suck, but I think they are more concerned with writing fun songs and enjoying themselves than they are about taking their music deathly seriously.

Alabama Thunderpussy was pretty cool, but I think their name is a misnomer. They are too scary to have a name like that. When you have a word like "pussy" in your band's name, it should be a super-sleaze freakshow (like Nashville Pussy) or at least disgustingly offensive (like Gwar). ATP is kinda like a devil-worshipping cult of Lynryd Skynyrd and Kansas fans. Their drummer has these freaky tribal-looking tattoos. I knew I was in for a fun set when they ended their first song and the singer said "That song is about werewolves on drugs."

Unfortunately I had a hard time hearing anything except the pigtailed, psycho-shaman-looking dude pounding away, the rumble of the bass and an occasional snippet of guitar solo and insane, maniacal howling from the vocalist, who looked like he was possessed. In the metal world, that is a good thing. They were an amazing live act and I'd like to see them in a setting with better engineering so I can hear everything. Visually though, they were a sight to see, so I think my head filled in the audio gaps.

Crowbar. Butt-Head put it best when he said "this music is slow and fat." If you think that people who go above Middle C are pussies, then this is your band.

They were pretty fun to watch, but they were neither as kinetic as ATP nor as wunderkind-ish as the Suplecs. Maybe it's the acoustics in the Exit/In- I thought I heard some cool stuff in there, but it seemed like everything was bass, bass, bass. The Crowbar I've heard before was pretty cool, but I couldn't make anything out that night. Also, the lead growler/guitar player is built like a tank with a big gut, but he's like 5'6". Not to say that he couldn't kick my ass or anything, but he looks bigger on TV. I saw the guy when COC was getting ready to start and all I could say was "how's it goin'?" I was kinda indifferent to their set, really- I still blame the horrible sound setup.

COC took the stage around 10:30....I could tell the newbies from us old(er) school fans because we that had been following them for a while knew the words to the older songs from Deliverance and Wiseblood, and the newbs only knew the words to the new songs. On the other hand, I think it's pretty damn cool that COC can still attract new fans like that.

One of the highlights of the evening was Audley Freed's fucking amazing guitar solo on "Albatross." Crowbar dude came out, PBR in hand and growled along with the chorus to it. In the middle of "Clean My Wounds" Pepper took a detour into a few bars of Led Zeppelin's "Good Times, Bad Times." "13 Angels" had more emotion than I have heard from anyone in a long, long time.

One of the most intriguing things about the show is that other than guitarist Woody Weatherman's long hair and Pepper's ever-present scowl, the band looked like pretty regular dudes. The bassist was dressed in a regular polo and khakis, I think, and the new drummer is awfully chipper-looking as he plays. He's damn good though so he can get away with not putting on a game face.

We saw the twin guitar attack (two guitarists play the exact same line at the same time- hard to do live), classic tunes, cuts from way on back (like "Vote with a Bullet"). They came out for a long encore, too. Great damn show, and I'd watch any of these bands live again.

Kat, if you're reading this, the show and the new album are totally worth it.

---END OF LINE---

"I am sorry, but all questions must be submitted in writing."

More online music follies...

2005-04-10T17:16:00.000-07:00

ITunes is a bit more convoluted than you think. I got 2 song caps discarded by Pepsi drinkers, downloaded the songs, and was ready to convert 'em when I got an authorization error.

Long story short, I had to de-authorize myself, re-authorize myself, burn the songs to CD, rip them into a compatible format, and upload them to my player. ITunes is no longer recommended by this blog unless you have an iPod, period.

I got ten free credits on Rhapsody for going with cable modem service, plus a free 128 MB MP3 Player (snicker) and USB key (then again...) from Creative.

I have already run into some snags trying to grab some of my favorite tunes from my college days. On the other hand, this means some of my music would be considered "underground." Ooh, I'm special.

Anyway, check it out- 30-second samples of all of the tracks I got:

What I Did with Ten Free Song Credits

I have to admit, this online music thing might not be so bad after all. I know the sharing playlist thing is hardly new, but I did like the way Rhapsody said "here's a free link to your playlist." Very newbie friendly, and a slick way to encourage people to check them out.

---END OF LINE---

"I am sorry, but all questions must be submitted in writing."

I put the black flag on my day

2005-04-10T02:15:00.000-07:00

Fuck.

My brain is swirling in sick, twisted thoughts right now. I thought this shit would stop but I guess I was wrong.

I'm going to try to keep my complaints about it to a minimum. I know that a lot of people would be thrilled to be where I am right now- condo all to myself, making good money, possibly about to make even more good money soon, unattached and free, blah blah blah.

Guess what though? It's 4:15 am and I am still awake. I didn't go out either, so this isn't a post-sobering-up-after-a-crazy-night post.

I want them all to die. That's the kind of shit that runs through my head at times like this. I go out and try to have some fun, but in reality I just want to get away from all of these normal people. Seems like everywhere I turn it's either

happy/blissfully ignorant mainstream people who think materialism is everything and still act like they are 21 even though they are pushing 30, or
The counterculture, spend-$500-bucks-to-look-like-I-spent-$20 jackasses who think they are rebelling against the mainstream when they are really the mirror image of it. Their music sucks too, the only difference is that they don't _think_ it's pop fluff, when it is.

I need to find that "Currently listening to" thing that half these stupid blogs have and change it to "current song I despise." If it even played once more on the radio, it would be the Zutons' "Pressure Point," but even the local stations realized it sucked and yanked it. How many times can you screech "pressurepressurepressurepressurepressure" before it sounds contrived? The answer is "once."

Once again, I digress. I like to think this stream-of-consciousness style I ~~ripped off from Faulkner~~ implement is somewhat entertaining in a Proustian sort of way. I doubt it is, though- not like I have a lot of readers and I haven't read any Proust anyway- I used that whole "context clues" lesson from school to figure it out. Also note that I have stolen two staples of Kat's blog while I was at it. The "title my post after a song lyric" (it's from King's X, by the way- even if you aren't a headbanger-wannabe like I am, they are a great rock band and worth checking out) thing was first; the second was the little "strikeout gag" above.

I go out to these places, and I see all these people having fun, and I get to thinking things like these fucking sheep will never understand me and why the fuck are they having fun? I'm bored and of course I am missing out on Playstation time to hang out at this stupid bar with these people that may not even like me that much and not drinking anything because I have to drive myself home and I'm too cheap to get a cab.I think my problem is that I'm a killjoy, but I can't bring myself to take pleasure in ruining everyone else's fun.

I heard a new C.O.C. album just came out, and it is one of the few things that makes me smile right now. People like Kat give me hope- that there are some women out there who might actually like the fact that I like music with loud guitars. Even though I haven't met any (unattached) women that appreciate the rawk lately, just knowing there are women out there that dig some of the same stuff I like is nice.

I was tooling around on Metal Sludge a while back and I read through a few of the Sludgette of the Month columns (where freaks and geeks can ogle the now-rare subspecies of humanity known as the "hot metal chick"). Some of those chicks are stuck up counterculture bitches (see above) who think that because they like some bands that don't suck that they aren't as bad as those mainstream bitches who only like bands that suck. I actually found a profile (I will not say "came across" because some of you are fucking sickos) who seems to have a lot of what I'm looking for in a woman.

I'll let you find her on the site if you're that bored, but her handle is "Elise the Piece." She likes bands that rock, isn't afraid to admit liking (and playing) classical music (i.e. things that the mainstream might snicker at), is smart, well-educated, and has a wicked sense of humor. Oh, and she is attractive, too.

Alas, she probably wants some dude who is a successful entrepeneur by day and a bad-ass rock-n-roll biker by night. I am neither. The last woman I met in person who is like this (beautiful, smart, and interesting) is dating a fucking pro motocross biker. Needless to say, the smart-but-crazy ones seem to crave "danger junkies" too. They want hairless, rogueishly handsome, washboard-stomached fearless lunatics. I am a hairy, paranoid misanthrope who currently splits his time between work and Playstation. What a catch.

There are several women my mom's age who would happily take me in as a live-in gigolo/paramour/man-whore/fuck puppet, but even I have standards.

The one upshot of finding all of these people that seem like they'd be a great match but are unavailable has given me one less thing to worry about. I will likely never find someone like that, so I can pretty much stop worrying about it. This "who the fuck cares" attitude does make that aspect of life easier. I will probably never find the right woman anyway, so why bother worrying? Just like I already know I am going to hell (and not because I'm Jewish, gentiles- save the Jesus-speech for a sheep) unless I somehow get points for effort.

Since I'm not with the station right now, and even if I was, I have nothing bad to say about them anyway (I hated the hour-long drive, but that's not them, that's my position relative to them), I will reveal a little more about myself (cue the dude with the timpanis)

My name is Matt, and I live in Nashville.

What a revelation. Half the people reading this knew the former, and I suspect everyone that didn't know the latter has figured it out by now. It wouldn't be too hard to figure out which station I worked for (which I will still keep secret) and if people living in that town are reading this, they could probably figure out who I was.

This also means that by not going to the recent Guitar Wolf show I missed out on a classic rockstar temper tantrum that I will never see again. Not only because Guitar Wolf rarely (if ever) toured the US, but because Bass Wolf died of a heart attack a few weeks later.

I don't know the guy and I didn't even know their music, but it's still a bit of a bummer.

I would also like to say rest in peace to Mitch Hedberg (who I also missed the chance to go see, like an idiot) and of course the Pope, who, regardless of any criticism, at least had the cojones to admit that the Catholic Church's hierarchy has done bad things in the past (like, say, turning Jews over to the Nazis).

The world is a fucked up place. I am a fucked up person. Why do these facts still surprise me?

---END OF LINE---

"I am sorry, but all questions must be submitted in writing."

Driving my readership from 5 to 0

2005-02-27T12:40:00.000-08:00

Or, "fleshrender is a pig just like every other man." Or "fleshrender needs to get out more."

Between the neighbor and the lonliness, I've been combatting my boredom with lots of Playstation. Gave in and bought Rumble Roses for the PS2. So what's it like?

Let me put it this way- I need to get out more. When 3D CG animations make my mouth water, I need to get a fucking life.

For those who don't know, Rumble Roses is the first all-female wrestling game to be released in the US as far as I know (Japan has seen several women's wrestling games- I can't speak for any >ahem< adult titles). The difference between this one and the others before it is that the women in this game are very, very well rendered. I figured it would be a fun, cheeky title. It is.

Some of the characters are one of several standard-issue male fantasies- naughty nurse, sexy schoolteacher, schoolgirl, and pop icon (she is a cross between Britney Spears and Beyonce Knowles, with a bit of Li'l Kim's attitude). Others are a bit less conventional fantasies, or they are old wrestling staples sexed up a bit- examples include a Mongolian warrior (who is basically filling in for the Indian), the Ninja (complete with extra-revealing costume) and the judo queen (whose outfit is probably the most practical of the bunch- the top half of her uniform is a bit loose but otherwise she looks ready for practice). There's even a Sorayama inspired cyborg woman, too.

The story mode is pretty funny- some of the dialogue is incredibly cheesy and funny, even though the voice acting is a bit inconsistent. Anasthesia's voice actress had a lot of fun with the dialogue she was given and her snooty British accent makes otherwise cornball lines humorous.

And yes, there is a mud match mode where the ladies don their swimwear and fight in this mud-like substance that slowly drips off once they have been out of it for a moment. I would call it "dirty oil" rather than mud, but it has the same effect.

Amazing graphics (and not just because they are gorgeous gals, either- the level of detail is amazing. Best palm trees in a PS2 game ever.)
Very good, if slightly awkward controls.
Some sick looking moves (not just fan service, either- some of the moves are brutal)
A solid game engine- some features like having takedowns from standing be a common setup move are very cool. There aren't quite as many moves as Smackdown characters have, but there's still a lot to choose from.
Alter egos- there are heel (evil) and face (good) variants of each character.

But there are some downsides, too:

Lack of variety. There's story mode, exhibition, and some other bonus goodie-type features. Not even tag matches!
Some of the story mode scripts combined with uneven voice acting make me feel like I'm watching low-grade "plot" sequences from porno. If this is intentional, that does make it funny for a little while.
It's very gratuitous- I think most women I know would be able to see the humor in the camp factor of this game, but after a while I think it could grate on nerves. Dead or Alive Xtreme Beach Volleyball was given thumbs up from almost every female gamer I asked because it is basically a dating sim with eye candy. This game has little, if anything to offer anyone into men except some camp laughs.

If Konami adds a season mode, a Create-A-Rose feature (character creation is a staple of these games now), remappable controls, and more characters, a sequel would do very well.

If you like wrestling games, amazing graphics, and, um, women, then give it a rental at least. If you aren't a rasslin' game junkie, I would wait until the price drops again before buying the game.

OK, so I indulged myself in some eye candy. I don't know any gamer with a Y chromosome that hasn't done the same at least once. At the least, since men are dogs, there are a lot of games with at least one "hottie" in them. I know that almost all gamers have caught themselves looking a bit too long at the screen before. Anyone who says they never, ever have is a liar, unless they stopped playing games before the Genesis.

"But fleshrender, that's really not that big a deal." Maybe not. My female readers are about to find out why the only difference between me and most of the other male idiot horndogs out there is that I am painfully aware of it.

The president of the company is getting married. Bachelor party. We met at one of the guys' houses, and had warm up drinks. Miller High Life? I like my co-workers and all, but god damn do they have horrible taste in beer. They wouldn't know a pale ale from a pail and mop.

From there we proceed to the Mexican restaurant. A bad choice- I didn't get sick, but I was wary of my stomach rumblings all night. One of the guys, a regular-sized chap, eats this Chihuahua-sized burrito in one sitting. I am bigger than this guy (taller, broader-shouldered, and a bit larger trunk) but I couldn't eat something that big in one go. I don't know if I am just self-conscious about how much I used to eat now, or if it's just another change in taste that most people go through during their epicurian lives. My fellow support worker takes a dumb bet, and because he couldn't finish half a pitcher of margarita he has to fetch lunch for the programmers next week sometime.

At the end, most of the married guys, the sucker-bet guy (whose fiance just happened to be at the next table, the killjoy/stalker), and our IT guy (who is not married) all go home because they are lightweights.

Of course, what is our next destination? The strip joint, of course. I have never been to one of these places before. El Prez was pulled on stage and appropriately given the standard humiliation by three of the girls. That was totally worth my share of the $35.00. Please note that I'm going to call the exotic dancers "girls" here- it's quicker to type and that's what the staff calls them and what they call each other.

In any event, I'm hanging out, having a good time, watching the stage and occasionally telling the girls that come around "no thank you" in response to their inquiries about lap dances.

Some of the girls were not that great looking- I talked to one around 30 years old who wasn't ugly, but couldn't compare to the 22-year-olds around her. Funny thing is, I would take the opportunity for drinks and conversation fully clothed if it were ever offered. She was pretty smart alecky and not above poking fun (good-naturedly) at people. There's one of this type in every movie that has strippers- the more experienced one who cracks wise but when she settles down is a nice, decent, unsleazy person. There is something to be said for personality, even in a strip club. I asked her if they had ever had celebrities in their, and she said they were usually "the biggest assholes- they want to get in free, they want their dances free, they want their drinks free, and they want to fuck you."

I asked her if there were any celebrities that would actually get results from the latter, and she said "Tom Brady. I bet on football all the time and he has won me a lot of money- it's the least I can do, plus he's really cute."

One of the coders used to frequent a lot of these clubs, and knew a few of the girls fairly well. He told me one thing that I decided to test- look the girls in the eye. To paraphrase why, "when you look elsewhere they can pretend that you aren't there, but when you look them in the eye they know you're there. It throws them off, and sometimes that works in your favor."

It does throw them off their game, to be sure.

Later on, they bring out some girls that weren't working before, and among them I noticed one that looked a little out of place.

Long story short, this woman, who was probably no older than 22, was probably the most beautiful woman I have ever seen in person. I am not just saying that because of the circumstances. She was just as beautiful while clothed. She could have worn sweat pants and a sweatshirt and still looked amazing.

To put it another way, most of the other girls provoked a glance, maybe made me think a fleeting dirty thought. A couple of them had cool tattoos, too.

This one made me wish I had a camera and a private studio or paper and pastels. At that moment I wanted to immortalize her in art. I know what you're thinking- and it's not just that. I would've paid just to be able to sit with her, talk to her, look into her amazing brown eyes and try to make her smile that adorable smile. It amazed me that she could go from performing such a- well, revealing and shameless act in a classless line of work, then two minutes later having her ask us if we're having a good time and smiling shyly.

I should also mention at one point she asked my 'strip club expert' comrade and I if we wanted a dance. We said "no thank you," and she pulled her bottom lip down. On it was the word "PLEASE" tattooed in rough scrawl. We were both impressed. Tattoos on the lip like that are incredibly painful. On top of that, she got it just to give herself an edge over her competition. That is fucking hardcore.

It wouldn't surprise me if she was one of those "I was gifted with this body and I want to share it with everyone" neo-hippie types. I thought I unnerved her at first, because I was looking her in the eye as much as any straight man possibly could. She gave me a hug at the end of the night when we left. She didn't hug those other jerkoffs that talked to her or gave her any money or bought her any drinks. I guess she thought I was a nice guy, even if I am a goofy dork trapped in a small ogre's body.

Now all I have to do is somehow translate the parts of last night that got me positive responses into more appropriate courses of action for women not in the adult entertainment business.

Beautiful, exquisite torture. That's all these places are, if the women are actually physically attractive. You know in the back of your mind it's all a damned put-on (at least I did- it kept me from running out of the place cursing and screaming), and it's all about the money for these people, but all the same some of these girls are so good at their craft that, even for a few moments, they can plant that seed of doubt. "Maybe she's looking at me like that because I'm different from these other jokers. Maybe she thinks I'm special." Every bit of logic in your mind is screaming "You idiot! She's just working you for more cash! Just like the female bartenders in a club or even waitresses. It's a grab for the loot, you fucking moron! Get over yourself!" Your lust is saying "uh-uh. Pretty lady likes me." You can't have her, either. Well, you can't have her without risking being busted or beaten up by the door goons, anyway.

Sometimes I wonder if eunuchs have it better. Then I think better of it, if for no other reason than the process of becoming one.

God put her in that club on that night just to remind me who's the man and who's the punk bitch. Yet in the higher power's infinite wisdom, it is probably better that she is ending her "business trip" and that she is not a regular. At least that way I will have no choice but to remember that it was fun while it lasted and that I should not do this again, at least not until the next bachelor party.

Then again, assuming that God did all that for me is pretty arrogant, isn't it? Maybe it was just coincidence. I also wonder if God finds my poor management of emotional spikes (good or bad) funny, so there ya go.

I have no idea if what I just typed makes much sense. Maybe people will think less of me. The odd thing is, I don't know if I care. I feel like a Trojan palace guard that was lucky enough to see Helen naked.

Now back to the typical, more sociopolitically offensive stuff.

---END OF LINE---

"I am sorry, but all questions must be submitted in writing."

Life in a nutshell lately

2005-02-27T00:46:00.000-08:00

"Help, help, I'm in a nutshell!"

That line from Austin Powers is so dumb, but it makes me laugh every time.

Anyway, to summarize the events of my life recently:

I submitted my two weeks' notice to the radio station. My main job has gotten a lot busier and it shows no signs of slowing down. Adding a 7-10 hour workday on Sunday on top of that was starting to affect my performance in both places. Eating and paying the mortgage have to come first. Luckily my ~~being a cheapass~~ frugal nature allowed me to pay my car off last month. The cool part- barring anything too weird, I am going to stay on the station's payroll as a backup- then assuming things level off again at work I should be able to go back eventually. That meant a lot for them to ask me to stay on.
The condo is coming along just fine- luckily my parents were willing to help me get settled in. I am no longer completely clueless. Also, not a lot of people have cable modems here, so my access is hella fast.
I have a very minor ladybug problem. They get in through the screen door on the back porch, and I can't cut off their route without getting a whole new door (and I don't have the money for that). At least it's not a roach problem- ladybugs eat pests, so I can live with it. We're talking maybe 3 or 4 living bugs at a time.
Neighbor's daughter is a handful. Her parents are never home so she is effectively raising herself. Luckily she is smart enough to do that and oblivious to what we see from the outside (borderline negligence-the parents should be smacked around for that).
Our company is being bought, but they have promised not to lay a finger on our day-to-day operations. In short, we get merger perks without anyone losing a job. I told my coworkers that if I lost my job because of this merger that the company would have an enemy for life. I like my job and I'll be damned if some rich-ass fucker's going to give me the boot. I keep the clientele with us- I'm an asset, damn it.
I feel like I finally have at least some control over my life now, which is always good.
I am still a lousy cook- at least I'm not fucking up with the pasta.

---END OF LINE---

"I am sorry, but all questions must be submitted in writing."

Real estate and embarassing medical problems

2005-01-30T09:46:00.000-08:00

OK, only a tiny bit.

Because I can fucking afford it, I am moving into a condo/townhouse. Basically it's like having my own little 1000-sq-ft house except it's attached to another one a lot like it and I pay dues every month so someone will mow my lawn and I can use the pool and stuff.

So yeah, I'm moving in 2 weeks. I have so much junk it's not even funny. Old board games, computer parts, and all sorts of stuff. I have no idea where to being packing, with the exception of the books- those are easy.

Oh, and the likely-ruined albums, too. I have a small vinyl collection, all stored horizontally, like an idiot. Hell, not like I listen to 'em anyway- I just like being able to say I own Falco's 1983 self-titled album on vinyl. It screams "music geek," heh heh.

Fortunately, the lady who lived there before is leaving a bunch of stuff behind, like a refrigerator, so it won't be quite as bad as usual.

Taking time off to move from the station, too. I need it- I am already going to lose ~6 days of vacation for Sis' graduation. I'm even skipping my cousin's graduation (hey, she skipped mine- I don't think she'll mind) because I don't want to blow all of my time off. I need the next few Sundays to get everything packed.

Also went to a specialist on Friday, about a medical issue that I am hoping is just something routine.

In the interest of keeping my readership low and manageable, I'll tell ya why. I pissed rust-colored blood a couple of times. It kinda freaked me out, even though it's not the first time it's ever happened. The first time this happened I was in high school. It was horror-movie red, then, and it turned out that it was likely caused by a plastic protective cup.

It didn't break, but it might've shifted at the worst possible time during football practice and caused some internal injury. I don't remember when, exactly- groin pain is something most men tend to block out as much as possible. The only reason we know what it feels like is to remind us why we don't want it to happen again.

To continue this disgusting thread, the rust color indicated I was probably having internal bleeding. At least my unit is OK. I had a CT scan and a cystoscopy. The former is just x-rays, the latter involves a catheter- think 180 degrees from a colonoscopy. Thankfully, technology has improved quite a bit. The procedure didn't even cause me to piss blood again, like it would have back when I was young.

So the good news is it's not a re-injury; the ladies have nothing to fear....bwa-ha-hahahaha! Yeah, like they ever fuckin' cared about that. On the off-chance I meet a woman that finds me remotely attractive, I won't have to worry about any malfunctions in that department.

The only downside is this- where the fuck is this coming from? Doc suspects kidney stones or something. Hopefully that's all it is. My liver enzymes had a huge spike a couple of months ago, and I have no idea what the hell that means, either. Business as usual, I guess- something's gotta be fucked up, and since my job and living situations are getting better, something had to give for kharma's sake.

Sadly, I always get this kind of embarrassing stuff. I also had a polonoidal cyst, which is a tumor at the base of the spine. Just above my ass. Naturally, guess how they get to that? Thankfully that's finally gone for good, and no doughnut cushions anywhere in sight.

Other guys break both legs, separate shoulders, get bone spurs in the back/neck/knees. What do I get? Stuff that makes people either snicker or cringe, depending on the circumstances. No manly injuries to indicate I'm some sort of big tough guy or whatever. It could be worse- I've never had an STD or anything with the word "anal" in it.

Then again, I did split my head open when I was three on a concrete patio. I still have a funny little scar and what feels like a small groove in my skull. Breaking yer head open a little was pretty manly, for 3 years old.

And now you know why I'm so fucked in the head.

Well, that, combined with the unintentional huffing of paint fumes around age 12 (model kit paints + inadequate ventilation = brain damage, kiddies), maybe....

---END OF LINE---

"I am sorry, but all questions must be submitted in writing."

For better or for worse

2005-01-23T08:17:00.000-08:00

No, I'm not fucking getting married. Michael Powell is going home.

That's right. Michael Powell, Chairman of the FCC, pawn of the radical right censorship freaks, and (most importantly) enemy of rock 'n' roll, is going away.

One could argue that it's because Daddy can't insure his job security anymore.

Here's a quote from MSNBC News:

Fines for indecent programming exceeded $7.7 million last year, a huge increase from the $48,000 imposed the year before Powell became chairman. Powell has praised the record fines, saying the commission was “wielding our sword” to protect children and viewers who object to racy programming.

Isn't that interesting language? "Wielding our sword" is very, I dunno, Biblical-sounding, perhaps? What about those of us who don't object? What the fuck was wrong with the V-Chip? I have an idea, Mikey- make an effort to teach parents how to use technology that has been in place since the Clinton Administration. This is a technology that allows the parents to decide what their kids see, not the government.

No, I don't think it's bad that parents keep their kids from seeing murder, rape, dismemberment, corpses, war images, and the like. Little kids don't need to see that shit. I can't imagine how fucked up I'd be if I were growing up now. I was exposed to tons of TV when I was a kid.

It's not that my folks didn't care- they didn't believe in censoring me much. Mainly, they felt that it wasn't needed if I was mature enough to handle it. I remember my mother reading the lyrics to Poison's Open Up and Say....Ahhh! tape, looking for potentially Satanic lyrics. Just the thought makes me laugh. I think she wanted to know if it was the lyrics that drew me to the hard stuff, and if the Satanism thing was real (it's certainly not in [snicker] Poison lyrics).

Yeah, there are Satanic lyrics out there. Dimmu Borgir is probably the best known band to espouse that kind of thing right now. The sub-genre is known as "black metal," which is why the [double snicker] Christian music industry papers always call Christian metal bands "holy un-black metal."

A lot of people listen to that stuff and aren't practicing Satanists. And some pretend they are (an excellent example of poseurship). Some are, but whatever. The recognized-as-a-religion Satanists are not into sacrifices, whether animal or human. Don't forget, Judeo-Christian scripture features plenty of sacrifices, too.

I know, I know, Poison is cheesy and all that, and it's not real metal. Whatever. They are a good band, even if they are a mainstream version of real glambangers. Besides, without Poison, Motley Crue, Ratt, Twisted Sister (who are better than you might think- seriously), I would've never discovered Metallica, Megadeth, Anthrax, Motorhead, Pantera, and a lot of other bands that really know how to rock.

What the fuck was I talking about again? Oh, right- Powell. Powell's biggest crime wasn't the stepping up of censorship fines. That's right, the crackdown isn't the worst part. There is something far more sinister that he is responsible for. I'll let the MSNBC article sum it up:

Powell led the Republican-dominated FCC in easing decades-old rules governing ownership of newspapers and television and radio stations. The commission approved changes in 2003 that allow individual companies to own TV stations reaching nearly half the nation’s viewers and combinations of newspapers and broadcast outlets in the same community.
Major media companies said the changes were needed because the old regulations hindered their ability to grow and compete in a market altered by cable television, satellite broadcasting and the Internet.
But lawmakers from both parties and a broad range of groups criticized the changes, saying the FCC regulations give large media companies too much control over what people see, hear and read.
Congress and the courts are considering several efforts to modify or repeal the rules.

That's right- Powell is responsible for the lifting of regulations that kept radio innovative, daring and admittedly frantic. Clear Channel, Citadel, and Cumulus did not become the overlords of the media without a big helping hand from Mikey and the boys. And isn't it interesting that Congress is looking to undo the damage? Looks like some Republicans might be trying to distance themselves from the neocon movement, no?

Thank God that the late, great John Peel stayed in the UK. If he had tried to make it over here, he would be just another morning guy, or forced to play singer-songwriter after singer-songwriter on NPR....not all of that is bad, but some of those people are obscure because they suck.

So, now a handful of companies have control over much of the airwaves (the station I am with, by the way, is part of a smaller media corporation). Since Mikey and his cronies got them rich, the corporations returned the favor by complying with the censorship that the right-wingers in or involved with the FCC wanted so much.

So the large media corporations are letting censorship happen, and they control the vast majority of what is on radio, TV, and in the news. Do you think they will stop there, if they can help it? Why the fuck do the CEOs and top brass of those companies care? They make tons of money and can buy their way out of trouble for now.

Fuck no. Ironically, Aerosmith said it best in the video game they starred in called Revolution X: "music is the weapon." Support independent media. They are our last hope.

Oh, and even if this blog sucks, this is one of the last bastions of free speech out there....even if Predator is watching us. A big middle finger to the government jackboots out there reading this. I love America and I won't be leaving, unless you take away everything that makes it great. I am a bit estranged from this country right now. Don't divorce us.

Fuck, fuck, FUCK. I am trying not to be a political blogger. It's just so hard when government policy is chaining my favorite muse, my sweet mistress Music.

---END OF LINE---

"I am sorry, but all questions must be submitted in writing."

Sometimes I am at my best when I am bored.

2005-01-14T20:27:00.000-08:00

OK, first, I should post part of a chat with my friend Tyro (who makes me look like I am a 100% Top-40 junkie):

Fleshrender:
I am trying to find a link to the Linkin Park mix with one song on each channel, like the Nickelback one.
Tyro:
heh
Fleshrender:
The Nickelback one had a bit of hatchetry done to it to drive the point home, even though it still proves that Nickelback uses the same damned progressions.
Tyro:
I didn;t hear the details; I'd assumed it was tempo adjusted mostly, with a bit of pitch shift
Fleshrender:
The first few seconds of the Linkin Park one are a bit remixed, but once it starts, it's insane....I was doing "left channel, right channel, one song, other song" for a couple of my buddies, and they were shocked.
Tyro:
heh heh heh
Fleshrender:
It's even worse than the Nickelback comparison. At least those two songs had somewhat different emotions in them- the two Linkin Park songs were interchangeable.
Tyro:
The fellow from Nickelback tried to argue that that's just how hits sound tese days, heh.
Tyro:
I understand than an individual group or artist will have its own "sound"--that's what people like abou them--but, to the extent of following the same song structure, that's just kinda sad...
Tyro:
(and that an individual "era" will have a distinct sound, but, still...)
Fleshrender:
It's not about having the same sound. Hell, I know half of Motorhead's library is variations on the same "we were fast before it was cool" theme, but at least there's a little bit of variation. And look at AC/DC, a band that has been, in terms of musical growth, utterly stagnant for the most part since _The Razors Edge_ [sic].
Fleshrender:
They've done a few songs with more interesting lyrics since- my personal favorite from _Ballbreaker_ is an anti-political song called "Hail Caesar." It is pretty pedestrian in terms of social commentary, but it gets the job done.
Tyro:
heh heh
Fleshrender:
And the saddest part of all is made by a blog linked to the one I found the Linkin Park track on (called The Dead Parrot Society)....Lollapalooza had a feast of critics' darlings and indie rock giants, but it was cancelled due to "lack of interest."
Fleshrender:
Hey, idiot concert promoters, even consider maybe making it a bit smaller in scale, like the HORDE tours?
Tyro:
The all-or-nothing, bigger-is-better American mentality
Fleshrender:
I also found a column at prorec.com about how Rush's last album was mauled by the "super-loud" production standard....
Fleshrender:
that was interesting- basically, amping the recording volume when you master a record makes it easier to hear on lousy equipment and makes bass and drums stick out more, but it kills the subtleties in the recording.
Fleshrender:
An example of this is the Wildhearts' "Return to Zero" from _Riff After Riff_. It's a great song but it sounds like it was recorded in a wind tunnel, with the fan on.
Tyro:
heh
Fleshrender:
http://www.deadparrots.net/archives/music/0407this_is_how_you_remind_me_how_bad_your_music_sucks.html
Tyro:
*opens the link as "Awful Lot" cues up...you must be influencing my mp3 player tis evening*
Fleshrender:
do you mind if I post this stuff into my blog?
Tyro:
heh heh heh..post away

Now, that having been said, click here (thanks to the Dead Parrot Society) to get links to the Nickelback side-by-side and the Linkin Park side-by-side.

The Nickelback one proves the obvious. A lot of bands recycle their favorite riffs and chord schemes. Like I said, Motorhead and AC/DC do it all the time. Who can forget the great Saturday Night Live tribute to riff recycling that spoofed Aerosmith with a song called "Crazy Amazing Cryin'?" To me, the chorus/bridge were more or less the same, but the verses were at least a bit different.

Nickelback is recycling not just their favorite chords and progressions (being a sing-by-ear guy, I barely understand that shit), but the same tempo and similar lengths of chorus and verses. It is pretty scary. On the other hand, it is a bit of a hatchet job- there were little slowdowns and minor cuts made to prove the point.

Still, it's not so much a damning of Nickelback in particular as it is of the music business in general- I think those guys wrote the filthier lyrics of "Figure You Out" as a way of getting back at the attacks and/or pressures of producing another "classic ballad" (term used loosely there). It would not surprise me if their A&R goon said "we need another single," and in the back of Chad Kroeger's head, he heard a riff that, while familiar, probably did not seem too familiar at the time. They whipped out the song and the label fatcats were happy.

Maybe it didn't go that way at all, but it sure as hell wouldn't surprise me if it did. The point is, it's not necessarily their fault. In a perfect world, all musicians would be judged on their merits alone, and I Mother Earth wouldn't have gone soft-alt, Nudeswirl would've recorded at least one more album, Sugartooth would never have met the fucking Dust Brothers, and Buckcherry would be cashing in alongside (or maybe instead of) Jet (I don't give a fuck if they used to be glam- those were the tunes Axl should've been recording instead of fucking Chinese Democracy). Oh, and Metallica would not have gone completely un-metal. At least St. Anger tried to rock harder than their last few efforts.

Now, the Linkin Park example is even more frightening. Download that fucker and listen to it once as-is. Then break out the left/right balance switch on your player (I know Windows Media Player has one built-in, and I think most platforms have one in the little volume control application) and listen again. Switch to the left completely for a few seconds, then switch to the right. Other than the slight slowdown of "Numb" (left channel), it's just downright eerie how interchangeable the songs are. I actually kinda like them together- it's almost like both sides of an argument at the same time.

Money-grubbing artists? Money-grubbing label execs? Lack of originality? Perhaps all of these things are to blame. Before you go and get all pissed at corporate music, note that this is not exclusive to large bands. Don't believe me? All you have to do is track down a CD called Death Valley Dream by a group called Meliah Rage. The title track is pretty cool, but as I sampled that disc back in college, I noticed how hard it was to tell which song was which without the track titles and numbers. Trust me, every fucking song sounds the same.

Frankly, I think these examples should teach us a few lessons:

Originality is pretty much dead, but it is pretty sad when you have to cannibalize almost everything in one of your hit singles just to produce another one.
We should not use these examples to launch an all-out attack on Nickelback or Linkin Park (admit it- "Numb" is a pretty decent track if you take it in the context of "new new wave" (as my buddy/unwitting mentor at the station put it). The biggest crime is not in liking them, it's thinking they "rock," are "hard," or are incredibly deep or original. They aren't. They happen to be good at taking a certain beat/riff combo and making tons of money with it. No, the musicians of the world should use this to remind themselves that they should do their best to produce music that is theirs and theirs alone. At the least, doing so will produce some interesting meshes of older styles and songs.
Dumb, fun, brainless, repetitive music is not limited to the mainstream. Look at M.O.D.- a lot of their music is big and dumb (and a hell of a lot of fun).
"Flashback" reminder item: if you can play guitar, take the first few bars of The Cars' "Just What I Needed," switch the second note with the third, and play it, you have Bush's "Glycerine."

But hey, I also want to do a slow, sludgy metal cover of The Police's "King of Pain," so there ya go.

Almost forgot: check out the link to the Pitch Formula project- it turns thousands of Pitchfork Media music reviews into a formula for writing pop music. Crazy stuff.

Funny thing about search engines

2005-01-09T11:27:00.000-08:00

I originally took my on-screen alias because I have an art background and because it just plain sounds evil. I first used the alias back in 1995. I had visions of a tripped-put movie: a vigilante killer/artist who made his victims into his latest works- painting in their blood, making sculpture with their organs and found objects and stuff. The killer would make his "masterpieces" then send pictures anonymously to the local papers. On top of that, a subplot is that certain art lovers take a liking to the work, and of course, all but one of them decide that they can't allow the police to catch him. The one remorseful one, of course, decides to try to help stop him (paging Ashley Judd...).

Of course, if Hollywood got their hands on it, they would put Judd in the repentant art critic's role, and someone of marginal talent who is looking to "branch out" from their typecasting in silly 'comedies.' Maybe DJ Qualls? Not trying to pick on him too much (Hollywood is a take-what-you-can-get business until you get your big blockbuster hit or breakout performance). They'd probably get Jake Gyllenhaal or someone like that. Someone young, with one solid cult classic to his credit (and Donnie Darko is pretty good).

Anyway, if they put anyone with talent in, it would be the circle of art lovers. If I were lucky I'd get Anthony Hopkins (for a slightly ironic twist) or Ian McKellen (yeah, right...). Hell, I'd be OK with Joe Don Baker or Kevin McCarthy. But no, I'd get someone really bad, like Kevin "whut can we eat that the FOREST can not provide?" Costner, a two-hit wonder who has since been upstaged in everything he's been in.

Then of course, they would have to monkey with the script. Instead of being a multi-faceted character (like Hannibal Lecter, one of the greatest killer-villians of all time, if not the best. I think Norman Bates is far too haunted to count as a villian), he would be reduced to a one-dimensional psycho who enjoys killing. The main point of the character is that he is an artist, and he's going after scumbags that the law can't or won't catch. In short, is making something useful even (perversely) beautiful out of people that are a plague to humanity really that bad?

Instead, it'd be reduced to a cheap "thriller" with a gimmick. Sicko's on the loose, police are baffled until the heroine comes along, she saves the day and barely escapes with her life, eventually slaying the guy in self-defense.

I swear is I ever get the money, I'm making that film my way. If I see a major studio steal my idea, I will sue the living fuck out of them, too. This is my proof that it's my idea, you fucking Hollywood jackals.

On to my original point. Apparently this little game called Diablo II also has fleshrenders. I am an "exceptional weapon." Of course I am. But I will depress or annoy you to death in reality, or perhaps hammer you with the rawk until your eardrums burst and you have an aneurysm or something.

So, if any of you Diablo II sites want to advertise on my site, I'll give ya a plug, with only a couple of strings attached:

If it's not a fansite (i.e. you make money off it) I don't think I'll do it. I would want my microscopic per-click reference fees. Hey, in two years you might have to pay me a quarter.
I have to go over your site and make sure it doesn't suck. If it's never updated, it had better be a depository of information. If neither applies, your request might be denied. But if neither applied, would you even care? Even though I am #2 on a Yahoo search for "fleshrender?"
I don't want to be associated with any site that also has ads for religious anything, or ads for wanna-be political pundits (this means Ann Coulter, Sean Hannity, James Carville, or their ilk). If I see some ad for Coulter's haggard ass on your site, I will say no.
Same goes for sucky music to a lesser extent. If one of your ads is plugging pop fluff, I can let that go. If you publicly announce your love of anything about Britney Spears (hopes for a Playboy spread don't count), I will say no. If you talk about how Linkin Park "rocks," I will say no. If you talk about how 'hardcore' Good Charlotte is, I will laugh and say no.

The radio gig is going OK. I am just sick of the damned drive. If it were shorter I probably wouldn't have any doubts of staying.

Oh, and one more thing- it's not exactly news to a lot of people, but anyone who is an Exies fan and thinks they are fresh and original, think again, suckers! HA HA HA HA HA!

---END OF LINE---

"I am sorry, but all questions must be submitted in writing."

Interesting times, indeed....

2004-12-26T13:06:00.000-08:00

Chely Wright's fan club prez tried to get people to play her new single "Bumper of my SUV" by using tearjerking sob stories. Read about it here.

I got one of these calls. At the time I thought "too bad, it's not in the system, can't play it. Bummer." when someone called me requesting it. But I know now it was part of this damned sham campaign. It sounded awfully similar to the sample letters in that column.

To her credit, Chely did fire the shameless monkeyspank as soon as she heard about it. Making shameless suck-up music/TV/movies/lit is normal in the entertaiment biz, but most celebs wouldn't stoop this low. Even if Chely was desperate for another hit, the fallout risk is too great. Remember, the Dixie Chicks have yet to fully recover from their "mistake" (I say if people can't handle it, fuck 'em), and theirs was just a difference of opinion, not outright scam artistry. Never mind the fact that it wasn't engineered to do more than maybe get a few token cheers from the audience that night.

I am so tired of this crap. I support the troops. I opposed the war and wish our men and women in Iraq could have been home for Christmas. However, even if I disagree with their boss, I know they have a job to do. I like the idea of doing whatever possible to make things easier on them.

However, the shameless profiteering at the troops' expense is really pissing me off. Like this piece Copygodd did about his friend's brilliant (Copygodd ain't no fool- if he says it was good, it's interesting at worst) short film getting snubbed for someone's "My son is in Iraq- give me some free shit" story. This was a contest put on by A&W Rootbeer, fer cryin' out loud. For a "getaway home." We're not talking about getting some single mom raising her 2 kids plus 4 of her other family members' kids getting a new house that they can fit in (one of the few good aspects of reality TV- the people on that show actually deserve to have something done for them). We're talking about someone whose son is doing his job and a fucking condo.

If ya ask me, for any shameless pandering to military personnel, their families and friends, and sympathetic folk, the royalties should go right into the pockets of the people serving. Bite me, Mr. Big Shot Celebrity- you'll still have concert royalties and the publicity, let the troops have your CD and MP3 royalties.

Meanwhile, this woman calls the station and tells me she needs help moving because she can't lift the heavy stuff by herself. It sounded legit for a moment, but there were holes in the story. I have a hard time believing that no one would help her out. On one hand, it's a pretty sad story. On the other hand, maybe she's some nutjob waiting to stick an icepick into whoever comes over. Who the hell knows? She could be some lonely-ass chick looking for a little sumthin-sumthin', or maybe just a freeloader. I feel bad for her situation, if it's real- but something just wasn't quite right.

My first borderline psycho caller. Merry Christmas.

---END OF LINE---

"I am sorry, but all questions must be submitted in writing."

R.I.P. Dimebag

2004-12-09T08:19:00.000-08:00

I'm at work right now, but I think I can spare a couple of minutes for this.

I got up, glassy-eyed and barely awake. It was raining and nasty outside. I couldn't even listen to the morning-show hijinks on the radio, opting for Queensryche's Operation Mindcrime instead. I knew it was going to be a bad day again. This week has sucked.

Then I found out about this:

Some stupid fucker shot Dimebag at a Damageplan show last night.

For those who don't know, Dimebag Darrell used to play lead guitar for Pantera. In a lot of ways he was the next generation's Eddie Van Halen (at the worst, he shares that honor with Rage Against the Machine's Tom Morello). His signature guitars are pretty cool lookin' too.

Nathan Gale, I will see you in hell, you corpsefucker.

The saddest things about this horrible event:

Gale was probably one of those stupid redneck fans that was still pissed about Pantera's breakup. Note that Phil Anselmo left the band. Dime and Vinnie had nothing to do with it. It was Phil's decision.

Also, Gale sounds like he was one of the worst kinds of metal fans- the stupid-ass redneck moron. Metal music sounds big and dumb to a lot of people, and in many cases it's true. A lot of the musicians are dumb, too. Playing dumb music is cool. Liking dumb music is OK, too. Being as dumb as the music is not.

What bothers me most is that there are other idiot redneck fans who will likely make death threats against Gale's family, who are not guilty of anything (except maybe giving birth to him, but who knew this would be the result?). Naturally, telling my readers not to do anything stupid like that is pointless as all 5 of you know better. Perhaps I can get some mystical vibe going if I say "don't fucking kill someone over a goddamned rock band."

If you've even considered it (and offing that tone-deaf coke fiend from Third Eye Blind doesn't count), you're not allowed to read this site anymore.

One more thing- I'm not going to do some weepy-eyed tribute, like the ones for Christopher Reeve. I didn't know Dimebag personally or anything. I just know he was responsible for some of the most kick-ass guitar licks I've ever heard. He also played on some Anthrax cuts (including one on the recent We've Come For You All). Dimebag was a master guitar shredder and their first three major-label releases were a major part of the soundtrack of my high school years. There were many days where I cranked up Cowboys From Hell and tried my best to scream along with Phil's vocals, and it made that sucky day a little better. I don't think it's out of line for me to be thankful for that.

Say hello to Bon Scott, Kurt Cobain, and Layne Staley for me, Dimebag....

---END OF LINE---

"I am sorry, but all questions must be submitted in writing."

I hate web quizzes normally....

2004-12-05T09:58:00.000-08:00

...but I couldn't pass this one up.

Got a 138 (assuming out of 150 or so). Would've scored higher, too...but some of the lyrics are wrong.

It is not "hush" in the 'til Tuesday song "Voices Carry." It's "shush," at the least it sure as hell sounds like "shush." Even if it's not the written lyric, I deserve half credit. Technically, the first line of verse 3 in the Corrosion of Conformity song "Clean My Wounds" is something like "buckshot in the head lives a bloody fucking mess" but Pepper Keenan sings "black on black gives me a heart attack." Likewise, I insist that Billy Squier sings "grab your violin" (a reference to the old 'Nero fiddled while Rome burned' line) in "The Stroke." It is likely a case of written versus recorded lyrics (which, as a halfway-decent singer, really pisses me off).

Another one was INXS' "Devil Inside." The line quiz-chica says is correct is "makes you wonder how the other half die," but "makes you wonder how the other half live" is also a legit lyric in the song. I got robbed on that one.

I missed the Crue too, because the line is "everybody knows that smokin' ain't allowed in school." Subtle difference. "Everybody knows ____ ain't allowed in ______" is more vague.

I need to post this and quit typing....I'm on the air right now and I just gave away my first on-air prize, too....he's reading my mind (or this blog) I tell ya....

---END OF LINE---

"I am sorry, but all questions must be submitted in writing."

Drop the bombshell...

2004-11-21T11:26:00.000-08:00

I don't know if it's permanent or just until next season, but I have a live shift starting next week.

As in, "every week, at least until February." I will be live.

I guess Phase 3 is in motion. I issued an ultimatum and they delivered in spades. I will come in and do the stupid NASCAR show from 9 to 11, then I go live until 2 or 3 pm. I assume I will continue to track my later shift, too, so I will be a big voice on Sundays.

Now all I need is for Dale Jr. to pitch a fit and this will be a very good day.

---END OF LINE---

"I am sorry, but all questions must be submitted in writing."

Today is the day.

2004-11-21T09:19:00.000-08:00

Today's the day I find out if I continue this gig.

I am scheduled to continue. There's no more races, and I sure as fuck don't feel like getting up at 7:00 on Sunday mornings anymore. Let the Christians do that- if I were a religious man I'd be cutting out of work at 5 pm sharp on Fridays, remember? Sunday's part of my free time. I like radio, but if the races aren't running, I don't see why NASCAR USA would continue running. But it is, so let some college kid do it- I met one other guy that does stuff part time for my boss and I think he'd be happy to....wait, he's a fairly religious guy, so maybe not.

Aside:He's not the preachy type, by the way- it's not Christianity, it's Bible-thumping wackos that I want to beat with a large blunt object.

Anyway, even if I continue to do the NASCAR USA show, I would be getting paid for 3 hours of work and burning all of that and then some in gas money. I like this, but video games, this blog, and my other interests are less of a strain on the wallet (not to mention my sleep time). As boring as the races are, they do cover my expenses for doing all of this. Even if they wanted me to do something else, that would be OK, but 3 hours' pay for 4-5 hours work is not my idea of fun.

I heard that some basketball players got suspended for fighting- first each other, then with the fucking fans. I've linked to FOX Sports there- I'm lazy, sue me.

As usual, everyone's at fault. Artest was stupid enough to let the fans get to him after what should've ended with, at worst, an ejection or two. The fans were arrogant and stupid enough to actually step onto the court to fight with the guy. The stands are the fans' turf and the court is the players'- have these idiots forgotten that?

This doesn't help Artest's NBA career- he already came off looking like a pussy for wanting time off to "rest" and promote his new rap album. They were, what, 3 games into the season? What a bitch- there are millions of ordinary, uncoordinated schmucks who would play an NBA game hurt for cab fare and a bite to eat afterwards. There are pretty good but not quite NBA level guys who would play a game for free. People wonder why I could give a rat fuck about pro sports....this is why. They start out as kids with dreams of the big time, then when they finally make it, they forget all of the romantic notions and ideals that got them there to begin with. Y'know, like hard work, sacrifice, and teamwork.

I could understand if he had been starting every game and he wanted one game off (unpaid of course) mid-season. That happens- sometimes your body says "hey, I need a break." But three games in? Wuss.

In other news, I caught the last few songs of my co-worker's last gig with his band. Kinda makes the CD review moot now, but I will do it anyway. They rocked out, complete with "amp worship" motions and the stuff that makes live rock 'n' roll fun (except vocals- they are an instrumental rock band. Interesting, no?).

Then the next band took the stage, and we went from refreshing, indie-but-rocking instrumental throwdown to four bored guys on stage with fauxhawks playing what would be sleep-inducing music, except the singer was whining all over it. Fuck- a motherfucking emo band. I tried to be nice when asked about them- I was with the boss and I didn't want to come off as too critical. My hypercritical nature reared its ugly head soon enough- at one point I said "I get depressed on my own- I don't need music to help me do that."

I had a moment of brilliance. I finally understood why emo is so popular with these kids. It's simple, really: these are bored suburbanite kids with nothing to complain about in their lives, so they go to these emo shows to get, as Mick Jagger so elegantly put it, "their fair share of abuse." So-called "liberal guilt" is more common among teens and young adults, so they go and listen to some depressing music, then feel that this touch of misery somehow makes them more human and sympathetic to the poor and working-class people with the same problems.

Like me, except they probably haven't seen quite as much on average as I have, or been fucked up enough in the head to point a pair of scissors at a classmate's throat. If I had done that now, I would've been expelled....lucky for him I respected the teacher....at the least I was close to tipping the desk over with him in it.

I almost felt a bit of sympathy for these kids- maybe they have their own pain to deal with, and they just prefer wallowing in despair to raising their fists in rage.

Grunge did that, but they still managed to sound like they had some fire in them. They tended to tap into that hopelessness, but they were fucking pissed off about it. Or laughing at the futility of it all. Or just making up random, non-sensical shit as a means of protest or escape. Nirvana, in my arrogant opinion, did all three at various times. Say what you will about Kurt Cobain, but at least he had a passion for what he played. You could feel it.

This emo thing is just so whiny though. Life sucks- I go to a music show to get away from that drearyness. Like I said, I can be miserable and depressed at home- just thinking of some of the fucked-up bullshit in this world is enough to do that. If I go to a show I want to be moved- I want real emotion and passion, not transparent token wan. "Emo" is short for "emotion," I assume, so why does it seem so dead inside? No rage, no joy, not real sadness- just a bleak, "here we are and we're not happy" droning noise, broken only by occasional wailing and maybe a little screaming.

Maybe I am too old to get it. That's probably it. I am finally starting to get the reason people like country. It's simple music for simple folk. OK, so 90% of the time it comes off as head-in-the-sand, feel-good, nicey-nicey music for people who don't want to think about the world beyond their little towns and suburbs, but I understand why people might like that.

Of course, that band failed my litmus test miserably. It's simple- being a 75/25 poseur/real rock-an-rolla, I figure a good rock band should outrock me. I should know that the band, even if I don't like 'em, are the real deal and most importantly, feel what they are doing.

I could outrock those guys easily. Even now, out-of-practice, I could kick up more dust than these guys. These guys weren't breaking a sweat like Brett and his now-ex-bandmates. That, to me, is always a bad sign- if they don't look even a little spent after the show, why should I think they really care about their music? With Brett's band, I knew if I had any chance of outrocking them, it would require a long, long period of getting back into practice and being a full-time musician. This emo band, though, I could've shoved the Jack-Black-With-A-fauxhawk lead singer guy off the stage, told the rest of the band to start playing The Cult's "Fire Woman," and rocked the crowd right, even if they probably wouldn't have appreciated it (the ingrates).

Still, the guy did provide me with one moment of entertainment. After their first song (remember- moody, whiny vocals, sluggish), he said "feel free to mosh, if ya want." You have to admit that's pretty fucking hilarious.

---END OF LINE---

"I am sorry, but all questions must be submitted in writing."

Been busy...

2004-11-14T07:16:00.000-08:00

What did I miss?

Let's see- Dubya got elected again. In case you're wondering why, it's simple. Kerry scared a lot of Joe Sixpacks because he came off as an elitist liberal. Even though Dubya is an elitist, no-tax-and-spend liberal (he's only a conservative in the Moral Majority sense), he comes off as a regular schmuck. People would rather have someone like them in office than someone who seems like he looks down on them.

I call this "The Bubba Factor"

Hey, it worked for Clinton, remember?

And yeah, that's politics-related, but it's sticking to the facts.

John Peel has passed on. One of the last bastions of radio as a force for good has passed on. "Good," of course, meaning "saving the world from bland pop retreading." Anti-corporate radio is pretty much dead, except for NPR (liberal, yes, but not corporate) and college radio (with a bunch of kids who don't take their shows seriously and have Godawful production values- I don't expect perfection, but try not to sound like you're a bored student padding your resume by playing sucky music, OK?).

Yasser Arafat's a goner, too. Can't say I'll miss him much. It'd be nice if the PLO had a major power struggle and was too busy infighting to do any suicide bombings for a while.

I still fucking hate country music, especially that damned Earnhardt tribute. It's not even an original song- it's a shameless retread of a David Allen Coe song (who, based on the song outside the insipid lyrics, had some real talent). I still find NASCAR to be a dull way to waste natural resources and pollute our air further. Maybe Earnhardt will lose the championship and throw a hissy fit. Dale Jr. acting all pissy is pretty entertaining.

I won Employee of the Month for October at my real job. There wasn't even a vote- boss said there was no point in hurting someone else's feelings by having me kill them in the voting. I bust my ass for them, so it's nice to be appreciated.

I still owe two reviews and the mp3 project. I think one CD review is almost ready. The other will take more time (especially since it's instrumental- it's a lot harder to critique).

I might be asking for some time off when NASCAR season is over, assuming I am not just told "see ya next season" anyway. I miss having an actual weekend. I wouldn't miss it so much if I weren't working a separate full-time job. One of our coders has quit because he couldn't handle it and being in his band at the same time. For me it's the other way around. I need my job during the week, and I'm not sure I want to spend 2 1/2 hours of my Sundays just driving. Besides, I am most interested in voiceover work, and I can't get that working part-time because all of that is done during the week. I need to make a nice demo tape and get with a station closer to home.

In related news, I had a last-second 2 1/2 hour live shift last week. I wasn't perfect, but I did a pretty kick-ass job considering I had zero prep time. I also learned that only getting a few hours' sleep is an excellent foil for stagefright. I was too damned tired to be nervous- I just did it and I wish I had been fucking smart enough to tape it.

I am giving webcasting a thought....except how do I pay for all the music I wanna play? Call me ignorant, but none of those webcast options out there have a library you can use, do they?

---END OF LINE---

"I am sorry, but all questions must be submitted in writing."

There may be no Phase 3- a catharsis

2004-10-17T19:24:00.000-07:00

Just got through burning my Saturday to run another race and do my tracking.

Thankfully I didn't have to drive back today just to do the stupid 2 hour syndicated show. Besides getting home at 2:30 am (having had no beer buzz earlier and having not tried to get some woman's phone number), I managed to:

get there (I can't even fucking spell anymore, fucking hicks.) at 5:01 (thank God someone was live until then)
forgot to pack food so I had to subsist on crappy convenience store food that had probably been sitting all day (like fresh is any better).
Thankfully, the race went fine and we didn't do any live spots.
The previous DJ forgot to "pod up AV 5" before he left, and I was stupid enough not to check it. For non-media people, that means to make sure that the volume is up and live for the AV 5 function (the after-midnight satellite feed in our case) on the board. So my boss ends up having to rush over to turn the thing on because I'm oblivious like a moron doing my voice tracks.

In short, yesterday sucked barbed brass shaft.

So yeah, I've been thinking about quitting lately. Yep, I might turn out to be a big fuckin' quitter (at least to some degree). Why? Let's examine the reasons to stay:
1) I get to tell people I'm a DJ on the weekend- it's a great conversation starter.
2) Running the races, boring as it is, is easy money. A trained monkey could do it.
3) The station is a lot less corporate than most, which is nice as there aren't many (if any) tripping egos around.
4) Chicks dig DJs, even sorry-assed pre-recorded country DJs.
5) Chicks dig DJs. It deserves to be mentioned twice.
6) Hearing yourself on the airwaves is pretty cool.

OK, now let's examine reasons to say "this isn't worth it," whether or not I try to get on with a closer station or just leave radio behind for good:

a) The one time I went live, I wasn't very good. I stumbled a fair amount. Yes, practice makes perfect, but I feel so constricted when I am on the air.
b) NASCAR bores the living fuck out of me, except when Dale Jr. pitches a fit.
c) I'm sick of the hour-plus drive each way. It's tiring.
d) Chicks dig DJs, but I'm usually too tired to go out and take advantage of that.
e) My day job is exhausting enough without having to worry about another boss.
f) So I'm on the radio- big deal. Not like anyone's listening- if they are listening, they sure as fuck don't care.
g) The money I make covers my gas money plus a cheap lunch. That's about it.
h) And there's the most important part- I fucking hate country music.

If I lived in the same town, or even 15-30 minutes away, it would change things a lot. If I had even one real fan, it would change things. If my schedule allowed me to do more stuff, it would change things.

Most of the other guys that have 'second jobs' at work are musicians or visual artists or in one case, a director. The beauty of these options is that they are a lot more flexible, time-wise. Can't do it one weekend? It's a lot easier to work around that.

I was told once that I was "being groomed" for full-time. That's one of the problems I have- if I am anywhere else but the rock (or to a lesser degree, the classic rock) station, where will I fit in? I certainly don't look country, and I'll be damned if anyone is going to make me look that way. If I am eventually going to be on the rock station, how much longer will it be before I get a shot at even a pre-recorded shift? There's a wait for it now.

The big problem is not my ever-present lack of patience. It's not the loathing of country music. It's not even the wear and tear I'm putting on my beloved car as I make the hour-long drives on my weekends.

The big problem is that I'm not sure if I want this anymore. I got my first taste of being on-air and it was exciting to a certain extent, but it was also annoying. In the back of my mind I thought "I'll be glad when this is over." Surely, if I wanted to be in this business that badly I would be regretting the end of it, right?

Maybe once NASCAR (I hate the way they always put it in all caps like that) season is over we can see what's going to happen next. Maybe I will get to do more at that point, or maybe I won't have jack to do. Either way, it will be a good time to make a decision.

At the very least, I still owe two bands a review and all 5 of you my take on the pay-per-download music services as they related to hard rock. You will get those no matter what happens....

---END OF LINE---

"I am sorry, but all questions must be submitted in writing."

Phase 2 of Global Media Domination is complete

2004-10-09T06:53:00.000-07:00

I have been waiting to post something worthwhile, and I found it:

Tomorrow, between 11 AM and 12:30 PM, I go LIVE.

That's right, no pre-recorded for this one. This shift is the real deal. If I fuck it up, no re-records, no do-overs.

Isn't it convenient that I get what I want (live mic time) and they get what they want (i.e. a full-timer doesn't have to do extra voice tracking)?

I'm on call for my regular job, so I am hoping that nothing major happens in that regard. Assuming none of our clients have the gall to bug me on a Sunday, it should be fine.

I'm in the process of reviewing CDs from Zenphonic and The Sincerity Guild, and I'm also working on a test of these pay-to-download song sites, namely "which one is best for someone who likes stuff that rocks?"

That's right, Rupert Murdoch! I'm on my way up, baby...

---END OF LINE---

"I am sorry, but all questions must be submitted in writing."

Miss me?

2004-09-26T09:51:00.000-07:00

More vitriol soon enough, but I have 2 CD reviews and a comparison of legal downloading services to do yet.

Oh, and by the way, if it hasn't been coined yet, I hereby place a copyright on the phrase "point and kill" in reference to automatic weapons. Hell, I copyright it in regards to anything- even yer mom's Chicken Pot Pie recipe.

However, I am not above sharing it with everyone as long as I get credit and as long as you don't, say, make tons of money off it.

---END OF LINE---

"I am sorry, but all questions must be submitted in writing."

Repeat after me:

2004-08-26T19:21:00.000-07:00

Censorship is un-American.

Censorship is un-American

Censoring anyone is un-fucking-American, and the notion that the government knows what media programs and published works are better for me or anyone else is an insult to our intelligence.

Fuck you, Big Brother- I'll read what I want. I'll listen to what I want, say what I want, watch what I want, and play what I want. As long as no one else's freedoms are infringed upon (and being offended by "the devil's music" doesn't count, for any Bible-thumping wankers who happen to read this), I can do that. The "saying fire in a crowded theater" example is not exercising First Amendment rights, because your words (potentially causing a false emergency) infringe upon others' rights (i.e. disrupting the movie when there's not a real emergency). And kiddie porn, well, if I have to spell out why that's not covered, even a meathook in your back won't wake you from your deep intellectual slumber.

Yes, hate speech sucks, but it's a small price to pay. Besides, freedom of speech also gives the rest of us the freedom to point and laugh at the drooling mouthbreathing pigfuckers, so it's not all bad.

One of our parent companies' stations recently fired a morning show crew in Massachusetts for playing something "indecent." Note that the company memo didn't detail what caused this. I'd like to think we in the radio business are mature enough to be able to read what it was that prompted the shit-canning, if for no other reason than to be able to say "OK, we need to steer clear of (insert hot-button topic for FCC jackboots here) in our material."

It gets better- the FCC didn't note any complaints, no fines levied, nothing. They basically fired these people out of fear. Fear of Colin Powell's spawn, er, son and the new fines designed to "clean up the airwaves."

Hey Mikey, here's a novel thought- why not ask the fucking PEOPLE what they think? Oh, that's right, we're all a bunch of goddamned savages and perverts who are bent on destroying America's youth, aren't we?

Even if you hate Eminem, you should be thankful for his run of popularity. He's been doing a fine job of making censorship advocates look like the jackasses they are. And why censor him when songs like

Steve Miller's "Jet Airliner," (funky shit goin' down in the city")
The Who's "Who Are You," (multiple instances of "who the fuck are you," albeit very fast and easy to miss)
and Pink Floyd's "Money" ("don't give me that do goody-good buuuullshit")

have naughty words in them and are frequently played unedited?

There are multiple reasons why the new FCC rules are bullshit:

They are applied selectively and used to hamper certain causes. No more Loveline, which gave a lot of otherwise stupid people good advice on sex and dating issues (it did, shut the hell up), but pro-lifers can describe, in gruesome detail, how an abortion works. OK, I can understand that some people don't like the notion of contraception, and the thought of someone's love juice being captured in a little rubber baggie isn't terribly appealing. But aren't detailed descriptions of abortion procedure equally disgusting? I'm not saying you have to be pro-life or pro-choice- all I'm saying is if you're going to baby us, censor everyone equally.

They assume you are too stupid to know what's best for you. As most of us sensible people say, "If you don't like it, turn it off." Think that new DJ's a pig? Turn it off. Ratings are a far more effective way of getting rid of an "undesirable" radio personality than protests. If my ratings were too low in a timeslot that actually mattered, I'd be let go. It's that simple.

Censorship leads to watering down of music, movies, and other entertainment- instead of dynamic, fresh acts and pieces that expand their respective artforms, we're treated to the same old crap. When a no-talent little tart like Hilary Duff is a multimillion seller, yet someone with real talent like Beth Hart is struggling for a big break, you know something's fucking wrong.

Side note: I strongly urge anyone who likes Janis Joplin to give Beth's music a try. She channels Janis kinda like Josh Todd is (as Sleazegrinder, Pepsi and crew have said) Axl Rose's understudy.

Anyhow, this is one reason I cited a call for unity among punks and headbangers before. Real rock 'n' rollers have one thing in common- we hate schlocky, watered-down versions of our favorite bands. The early 90s were good for radio- stations took chances back then because no one had a corner on the market. To keep listeners, they had to keep things fresh and new. They had to be daring.

In short, radio will always be corporate, but there's a big difference between a radio station that dares to play a new single by some unknown band and one that basically follows whatever fucking KROQ does. Thanks, Clear Channel.

The media is so fucking scared of the government now that they are jumpy and they pre-emptively fire people before the FCC can even register a complaint.

I have to admit, that's one upside of having zero control of material. If someone doesn't like a song we play for some reason, it's not my fault.

Best of luck to those guys- not like they need it. Radio is a very incestuous business. No, that doesn't mean we're all fucking family members. It means that once you're in, it's almost impossible not to be able to find another job somewhere. I know at least 3 or 4 people that have worked for the station I was driving vans for back in 2000 are still around at other stations. If I ask someone who works here if they know anyone from my old employer, odds are good they do.

Anyway, write the FCC and tell them you're not 5 years old and that Michael Powell isn't your daddy. Tell your local stations that you want them to fight these ridiculous laws that only a small segment of the population wants. Maybe if enough of the people support the radio stations, more of them will get some....courage and start telling the FCC to leave them alone.

---END OF LINE---

"I am sorry, but all questions must be submitted in writing."

2004-08-15T15:41:00.000-07:00

2004-08-15T12:49:00.000-07:00

This is a commodity? HA!

2004-08-12T21:31:00.000-07:00

Apparently I'm worth about 1500 blog bucks, or whatever.

Copygodd's worth about seven times that.

Here we are on page 4...

And here's page 1's results. Note that my blog's Blogshares entry is in the top 10 on a Google search for "Drowning in a Daydream."

Nice to see that beyond the two links related to my blog, it's all Corrosion of Confirmity related material. Cool, Daddy....cool.

---END OF LINE---

"I am sorry, but all questions must be submitted in writing."

I officially announce my political stance.

2004-08-11T23:33:00.000-07:00

Brothers and sisters, I am going to be honest. I have a political agenda.

I call it "resistant fatalism."

So what the hell does this mean? Simple. The world is fucked. There's nothing we can do to really make the world a better place for humanity. All we can do is damage control.

War in Iraq? No matter what we do, a lot of people are fucked. Pollution? We're fucked. International relations? I'd say we're totally fucked, but there's still a handful of countries that don't totally hate us yet. Energy crisis? Not yet, but we are well on our way to being (you guessed it) fucked. Wealth gap? Educational system? Tolerance amongst everyone? Fucked, fucked, and fucked.

We of the resistant fatalism movement believe that the world is on a one-way luxury car trip to oblivion. However, we also believe that if we don't try to at least slow it down a little, we are not only fucked, we are lazy fuckheads who let it happen. Failure is not defeat- total ignorance and apathy are.

As the title character in the horribly underrated Death to Smoochy says, "You can't change the world, but you can make a dent."

In a nutshell, there's no way you can stop the inexorable path to nothingness, but you can help make the journey along the way a little more enjoyable, palatable, or just plain easier to take.

Anyone is welcome- the only membership requirements are a healthy dose of cynicism and a stubborn refusal to give up all hope, no matter how much logic or that cynicism tell you otherwise.

What prompted this? Buddy Steeleraven pointed out this site tonight: Conservative Punk

At first I thought "what kind of bullshit is this? Punks aren't conservative or liberal, they're anarchists and nihilists who think only chaos and destruction will bring about any real change. Punks are not on either side of the system, are they? Aren't they supposed to be about levelling the system, not taking sides in it?

Guess not. Either my definition of "punk" is wrong, or real punk is dead. Between this and Punkvoter.com, I think the proof's in the pudding, kids. As a movement, the original incarnation of punk is dead. I ask, no I beg anyone who can prove otherwise to do so. I have seen some sprouts of life in the once-lively metal juggernaut, so perhaps punk's insane land-walking barracuda merely sleeps, awaiting its wake-up call. Eh, butchered metaphors, gotta love 'em.

I looked at conservativepunk first. The first column was by a Libertarian who, y'know, makes sense throughout most of his piece. The only real objection I had was to the part about giving the panhandler a job application. Got news for ya, Pat- even if he wanted to get a job badly, do you think anyone would hire him? Of course not- why should we take a smelly homeless person seriously? He'd have to get cleaned up, prep for an interview (how the fuck do you try to explain a multi-year stint of homelessness? Unemployed consultant?), get a suit, and seriously pound the pavement to have a prayer of finding anything, much less something he could live on.

Finding a job is hard enough, especially in this day and age. Remember, I went without a steady paycheck for 2 years prior to landing my current gigs. Can you imagine trying to do it without being able to make yourself look presentable, without a good night's sleep before the interview, or without being able to eat for anywhere from half to three days?

That's right, kids- you don't. Some people's wills are too broken to pick themselves up. There are a lot of people that, with a little support and help to start with, can rejoin the work force. Welfare-to-work programs have been pretty successful based on what evidence I've seen. I approve of said programs because they do exactly what Pat says- they teach someone to fish rather than giving them a fish.

I tend to turn a blind eye to to the handouts given to American Indians. They have been fucked over so hard by our society, are more or less dying off as a people, and they have it worse off than anyone, so the little reparation/handout money they get is not too unfair to me. I still prefer money go to helping the kids have a better future than the one on the reservations though.

Then we come to this:

"Punk voter is a neo shadow political organization backed by the Democratic party and its' special interest groups..." says Michale Graves, former leader of The Misfits. That's right, the fucking MISFITS. I can't believe that anyone punk would buy into the whole "Us vs. Them" rhetoric.

And is it just me, or is the same paragraph about Kerry being bad for America repeated over and over again throughout the page? Maybe it's because they use Frontpage or something, which is biased towards Internet Explorer.

Most of the stuff is well articulated, but Pat Smalley is a slapnuts. "Gonzo conservatives?" What the fuck kind of term is that? This is politics- leave the Muppets out of it!

But seriously, he makes some points that in ideological theory make perfect sense, but in the real world aren't that simple. This is why wingers of either stripe bother me- they aren't fucking realists.

I could dissect the hell out of this guy's diatribe, but why bother? Any mugwump with three active brain cells knows one-sided pedagoguery when one hears it. I can say that using the Beatles and Bad Brains as an argument against affirmitive action makes about as much sense as using Eddie Murphy as an argument against getting an education. Nice try, but deciding who your bandmates are isn't beyond your control until you're signed by a major label into an ironclad contract. Getting a job, especially in this day and age, isn't completely in your control. I know from experience that standards are all well and good, but they don't feed you.

I also know of many places that would never hire a minority without affirmative action. Ask the gays that were fired from Cracker Barrel if you don't believe me.

Dug gives us a story of how conservative values helped shape his world. Hey, more power to ya, kid. I hate to quote techno, but there's a line on the Trainspotting soundtrack that sums it up: "But not all God's children have the same chances." I'm all for personal responsibility and I'm definitely in favor of a strong work ethic. Some people just need a little moral support- not all of us can get by on rage (though I managed to do pretty well, I guess- I just got fed up with being a loser). I wasted almost 6 years of my life trying to figure out what the hell to do. I am pulling myself out of that grave. Does that make me a conservative? I know plenty of lefties that did the same thing, except they never had the chance to go to a good private school or to college. Or they went to college knowing that they couldn't afford it, and eventually had to drop out because even scholarships couldn't pay for everything.

The last piece is by Sin (ooh, how original) and it uses good ol' selective editing to make lefty kids seem stupid. There's a reason they seemed so dim- all kids are fucking stupid in the ways of the world. Some kids get over their stupidity as they get older- it's called "growing up."

For every ignorant lefty Bush-hating punk you show me, I could easily pluck an equally vacuous Hilfiger-wearing preppy righty out of my town. Not just kids, either- you wouldn't believe how many mouth-breathing drones there are where I live, who think that Bush is great because they got some tax breaks. One tiny little gift. They can't tell me anything else besides that and "we went to Iraq because it was the right thing for a Christian Nation™ to do." Yeah, let's convert all of them A-Rabs and Middul Eastuhnuhs to Christianity, and fuck the ones who don't.

Idiots. That's all? Not gonna look at international policy, the environment, Social Security, education, welfare, or anything else? I will give these conzie-punks credit: they actually have an opinion on more than those two issues, and they sound like they've thought about it for more than 2 seconds. Even if school vouchers are a fucking joke.

In the interest of being fair and balanced (actually because I really hate party politics and single-wing ideology), I'll look at something from punkvoter.com. My prediction is that it will be, er, predictably anti-Bush and anti-Republican, with equally one-sided arguments from the other side.

OK, there's a theory of conspiracy between Bush and Clear Channel. Not totally surprising to me, except maybe in its proximity. I figured it was just a matter of "regulation=bad," which tends to fall in line with most Republican economic policy. Deregulate the airwaves because controls are 'fascist' and all that. Sorry, conzies, but I gotta side with the pinkos on this one. Clear Channel blows. As good as the idea of laissez-faire economics sounds, in practice it led to the formation of monolithic, greedy trusts in the past. Instead of leading to the theoretical Communist result, trusts lead to the actual aftermath of Communism- a small group of people with everything, and the overwhelming majority with jack. Read Animal Farm, people. Unfortunately, we need at least a little bit of regulation in our economy-just enough to ensure that there is some semblance of competition in the market.

And for the record, I do NOT work for a Clear Channel station. But back to the review, as it were.

Here's a quote that bothered me:

"Punk bands, musicians, and record labels have built a coalition to educate, register and mobilize progressive voters."

My emphasis up there. Record labels? Even if it's true, they would've been wise to leave that out. Then again, if any major label bands are among the musicians, it kinda goes without saying anyway, doesn't it?

This is rather disturbing, though- and any American, liberal, conservative, or mugwump should take offense to this: Goldfinger guitarist gets violated by the Patriot Act.

I don't give a fuck who you are, that's bullshit. He went to a protest by a somewhat lefty cause, and he gets treated like this? Since when is expressing your disgust at euthanasia considered terrorism? Hell, maybe the RIAA will send some goons to my door because I am not all that fond of their jackboot tactics (and let's face it, the people who are crying and whining the most about lost royalties aren't the artists but the fatcat execs).

Back to the point. Punkvoter.com was founded by one of the dudes from NOFX. Somehow I doubt he'd let himself be associated with "neo shadow operatives" (as Graves might put it). Maybe these guys got into it backstage once or something.

The site is mostly sound bites and easily digested, short narratives. It seems to sticks to the bottom line when making its points. Interesting dichotomy here- the conservatives go for long-winded rhetoric, while the liberals go for "see this! This sucks, therefore we're right!" rapid fire attacks. One side obfuscates arguments against its position, the other stays a mile away from them.

Read enough on either site though, and one thing becomes abundantly clear- both sites are all about pushing a specific agenda, and neither are about reaching the truth. These worlds are black and white, and the truth, 98% of the time, is in the shades of grey. Remember my argument against Ann Coulter? She, like most other wanna-be pundits, uses lots of half-truths in their arguments. So do both of these sites.

The idea behind conservativepunk is to prevent one-sided ideology from smothering the punk culture. Good idea in theory, but it smacks about as much of being a "neo shadow organization" for the right as punkvoter does for the left. Both sites had some good points to make, but a lot of it was bashing, pure and simple.

The sad thing is, the main reason that conservativepunk calls for a greater sense of understanding and respecting differences of opinion is because they are in the minority in their sphere. Where I live, Democrats control the local government, but the state and national offices tend to go to Republicans. In local issues, Republicans call for "decency and fair play" and at the national level it's reversed. The majority never ever feels a need to be fair about anything. Typical vicious circle action: "why should I be fair? If we weren't in control, they wouldn't be fair to us! They'd fuck us, so fuck them!"

Like rassler "Stone Cold" Steve Austin says, "DTA- Don't Trust Anybody." Never trust a single source. That is when they have the hooks in your brain. Fuck 'em all- Limbaugh, Carville, Punkvoter.com, Conservativepunk.com, copygodd, me, and everyone else. Yeah, fuck me- it's just my damned opinion. In the political realm, what I say should be one tiny piece in a very large puzzle.

The one exception that I ask you to make is this: trust me when I implore you not to borrow my opinion or anyone else's- create your own. It's worth a hell of a lot more to you.

Oh, and this guy's a nutjob.

---END OF LINE---

"I am sorry, but all questions must be submitted in writing."

I suppose it was inevitable....

2004-08-11T19:32:00.000-07:00

I've been fucking spoofed by some fucking smegma-lick:

-------- Original Message -------- Subject: About your "little man" Date: Wed, 11 Aug 2004 15:30:26 +0000 (GMT) From: fleshrender@khambian.com To: fleshrender@khambian.com

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(link deleted to prevent any gains from my misfortune, you fuckers)

I promise this is not me. I'm not interested in creating, er, competition as it were.

The real source: from mail.xyz.com (dialin-145-254-099-012.arcor-ip.net [145.254.99.12])

Block it if you get one of these. That way you'll know if it's me or some scrotum-chewing prick.

---END OF LINE---

"I am sorry, but all questions must be submitted in writing."

What the fuck is "cool," anyway?

2004-08-08T15:47:00.000-07:00

First off, flirting with women (or men, whatever you're into) is always cool when it's mutual. Married or no, doesn't matter. Flirting never hurt anyone. It's like if you have a Porsche and your buddy has a Ferrari and you're eyeing each other's cars: you aren't going to trade or steal his (or vice versa), but you can wonder what it'd be like to own his.

Another Sunday, another shift. Get this- we have a little Radio Shack-type switch box that determines which channel the satellite feed exits. Some dumbass went in and did that annoying thing with this type of push-button. The thing where you "un-push" all of the buttons. This caused me to hear a very faint feed for the race, and a faint feed from some talk show windbag blathering on about John Kerry. Probably derogatory, since the only liberal talk radio is that thing Al Franken and Janeane Garofalo are involved in.

By the way, Janeane, you're a pretty good looking woman. Deal with it. You don't want to dress up for the media drones, fine, but please look like you didn't just roll out of bed. You were pretty cute in "The Truth About Cats & Dogs" (watched it with a long ex-girlfriend, by the way), and this takes into consideration that you were paired with Uma fucking Thurman. We're just asking for clean hair and clothes that haven't been worn 5 times already.

Damn it, I can't focus. I just hate it when pretty women go out of their way to look ugly.

Anyway, doing this radio thing can suck sometimes. I already hate country- it's dull. Right now, I have to admit I am sick of the idea of being a DJ, too. At the least, I'm sick of the idea of being a DJ with zero creative control. I want my rock show NOW, damn it. I want to be able to play Prong and Motorhead and The Cult and I Mother Earth and Stick and Gruntruck. At least I don't have to tell them Limp Bizkit sucks anymore. Maybe there's hope.

I hate 98% of country music, I hate 98% of the country fans, I hate having to hold my tongue instead of telling them their music is completely fucking derivative and unprofessional. Pepsi Sheen is right about that for sure. And pitch-shifting tech is still bullshit (I'm talking to you, Tim McGraw fans).

Speaking of Pepsi, I've always noted how he has a certain m.o. in his writings on Sleazegrinder's site. He is fond of condemning poseurs even more than Sleaze is.

I've read the rants....passionate, heartfelt, fiery....I think about how much he hates dumb jock bully types (so do I- my linebacker's son frame kinda killed that shit from about age 15 on). He hates poseurs. I do too, or so I think.

Finally, I asked myself the big question: "am I a fucking poseur?"

This piece about the Jesus and Mary Chain is what sparked it. Pepsi is in virulent, heartbroken top form. And I thought I fucking missed real rock and roll. I grumble curmudgeonly, but Pepsi damn near openly weeps for it. I wouldn't fault him for genuinely mourning it, tears and all. Rock and roll isn't dead, but it sure as hell is on the endangered species list.

Whew. The Black Rebel Motorcycle Club is just some new wannabe band. For a moment I thought it was some reference to a genre of rock fans that might apply to me.

DLR's a morning zoo drive-time dork D.J. radio punchline while that silly Republican goon in the Capri pants tours the nation with "Van Halen".

I can't be completely gone- I wholeheartedly agree with this one. Roth's ego may be huge, but at least he has something to back it up. Love him or hate him, Diamond Dave is one of the greatest rock frontmen of all time. People like Sammy Hagar and David Coverdale are one of the reasons I never pursued my rock and roll dreams- I didn't want to be a joke, a fill-in, a wanna-be, a second-class-er. I like a few of the new Van Halen cuts, but Dave's two songs on the Greatest Hits CD are better than all of Hagar's stuff, but the old stuff is leagues better. David Coverdale is a definite poseur, even if he did spend much of the second half of the 80's banging Tawny Kitaen (and countless sluttier chicks on the side).

"Capri pants." That's fucking hilarious.

Then there's this gem, which really, REALLY got me thinking. Go read it. If you won't, read the excerpts below, at least.

Real losers, I mean, actually, poor people, what hipsters refer to, romantically, as "white trash" people, don't WANNA be stuck in some ghetto, they're TRYIN' to escape the Jerry Springer life. It's only EVER the upper middle-class Mama's boys who wanna act out all those retarded fantasies of being mechanics who live in some heavy metal trailer park where everybody sniffs glue and worships the debbil and fucks preggos and drinks "Pabst! you fuck", all day.

....It ain't like it is for all them rich kids sittin' in their local, with money in their wallets, quoting "Swingers" all day. When you're damned to travel the real low roads, you WISH you could go to some Ivy League University and "just get a job" or "just make a record" or "just inherit multiple properties" or "just be normal" and have what the haves, have. You can't help but think you want all that rich-people power and shit, even when you know it's all a mirage, it's like a carrot on a stick, you're hopelessly programmed to believe you don't deserve to live unless you can automatically command $32 thousand/yr. Not all of us can. When it's your own real, grim fate, your grisly little curse, you try to change it, evolve out of it---somehow! You long, and yearn, and pray, 24/7, for some of that that insulation and protection and privilege and opportunity you see the other half all enjoying, so obliviously.

....When you come from a real place of unwholesome fuckedupness, people can sense that down and out "otherness" on you, and instinctively, deny you entry into any job that pays a livable wage. All you puffed up, judgmental rich kids who think Wal-Mart IS a livable wage, ought to enrich your own perspectives by going undercover, and just trying it for one day, and then, looking at the take-home math. You'll be shocked, floored, disheartened."

This is the stuff that did it. On one hand, I have experienced my share of difficulties- I moved around a ton when I was a kid and never developed any sense of place in the social structure. It's not on the same level, but always being the new kid + often being the only Jew in the class taught me something about being an outsider. And spare me the white power routine- you idiots need to re-read the material above and realize it's not about race or religion, it's about money. WASPs still have huge cultural advantages in this country, and if you don't think so, no number of nails in your pointy vacuous head will ever change that. Racism is a bad trait that wealthy white men exploit to keep their power base, pure and simple. Better than 30 years ago? Sure. No more inequality? I'll believe it when we elect a black, female, Latino, or Jewish president.

The point is, I've never truly been one of these discarded people Pepsi symbolically eulogizes (think about it- in a sense he's mourning those gone, those going, and those who will be gone down the road from that life) but I have been around it, exposed to it, even lived right on the outskirts of it. I've seen enough to know it wasn't where I wanted to end up. I've had times in my life where I've wondered if we weren't going to have a place to live, but it never actually happened, in more than one instance it was because my mother busted her ass making sure Sis and I never had to go through that like she did. I'm once removed from that kind of life- but even my mother never had to live surrounded by crack junkies and shit.

I've had it good. I was lucky enough to be born pretty smart. I still wonder if that damned concussion turned my life around. I think the blows to the head in football may have made me a bit dumber, but in a way I am far wiser than I might have been otherwise. I would've ended up some completely cocky, arrogant snob making tons of money and thinking like the richboy assholes that Pepsi describes. So I traded some brainpower for an attitude adjustment- probably a good deal in the end.

I am not really on the inside of this subculture. I've never woken up in an ambulance or desperately searched for a relatively clean place to sleep for the night. I've never gone hungry or been homeless (did live with the grandparents for a while when I was little, but that doesn't really count, does it?). I was able to go to college and get a degree, even if my family and I had to struggle to put me in the school I really wanted instead of settling for the easy local school where I had a free ride because of that 31 on my ACT.

I am not totally clueless and beyond understanding of that life, though. I've seen, known, and hell, I'm related to people that did or damn near fell prey to it. I'm half white trash, remember? I used to hang out with the so-called "rejects" because they didn't care how much money my parents made or where they lived or what kind of car(s) they owned. They were OK with me as I was, and and the phrase "money can't buy class" is something of a family motto. I've had enough fear put into me of what could've happened, of the idea of ending up in that, to respect anyone that makes it out and to not condemn anyone who doesn't.

If some homeless person comes up and asks me for money, I usually give 'em something. Whether they are lying or not about using it to buy a meal, I figure it might bring them some release from this fucked-up world we live in. I can't help it. The only time I don't is if I smell a setup or they seem too dangerous to deal with.

That's one reason I am a political independent- conservatives champion personal accountability, liberals support helping people, both sides are so set on sticking to one that they forget about the other.

But that's my life in a nutshell. Always on the border. Never cool enough to be with the popular kids, but a bit too popular to really be fully trusted by the rejects (they wore that like a badge of honor, by the way- 'reject' is not a derogatory term in this instance). Had some social advantages, but not so many as to make me indifferent and ignorant. Never a full-bore headbanger or completely gone grunger. Nonconformist where I live, but most likely I would come off pretty normal in a bigger city.

So in the end, who the hell knows? I've said so much about it that I don't really fucking care anymore. If you ever read this, Pepsi, and you still think I'm a total poseur, well, that's OK, man. I'm probably 65/35 poseur/genuine, but that's at least 25% more genuine than most music fans. I will continue to read your writing either way- we need more guys that, as COC put it, "got the fire."

---END OF LINE---

"I am sorry, but all questions must be submitted in writing."

Find a place in the sun, and never pick up the phone...

2004-08-01T20:34:00.000-07:00

A rare moment of brilliance from me has been quoted by copygodd in a nice little column for Tastes Like Chicken. Take a look and se why an old high school buddy of mine used to say "Y'know, he doesn't come up with them that often, but when he does, they're pretty damn funny."

One of my co-workers at the station (I say that very loosely- this guy's a pro that should be full time ASAP and I'm just a pre-recording newbie) defined Linkin Park's new single very well:

"it's like some kind of- 80's soundtrack music."

I mentioned that Orgy's like that too, but he agreed with me that that was their intent from day one. Orgy never pretended to be anything more than 45% techno, 45% new wave, and 10% industrial.

He's right- Linkin Park is new wave all over again....snore....pass me a New Order CD, please- it was better the first time.

Saliva's new single, "Survival of the Sickest," is pretty good, even though it sounds an awful lot like- well, a burlier-voiced version of every cock-rock band out there. Maybe if Axl hits 300 lbs he'll sound like Josey or whatever his name is. Totally derivative and unoriginal, but a fun track. If I had ever become a real musician I probably would've done about 20 songs like that....decent copycat tunes from a total poseur. I have a couple of those floating around in my brain- one is a ripoff of the Jimi's Chicken Shack pop-rocker "Do Right," and the other is a knock-off of Alternica, uh, I mean post-black-album Metallica. I can't create, but I can tweak/revise/rewrite/critique like a motherfucker.

I don't like as much of the new Godsmack- too much trippy, not enough ripping, but at least they are semi-original....like if Alice in Chains got off the smack and started tripping on peyote with Ian Astbury from the Cult.

Voice tracking is getting easier. I still sound like I should be doing a show on the soccer-mom station (the "best variety" 80s-today one), but I do sound like I know what I'm doing a bit more.

The scariest thing of all is that I don't totally hate country anymore....I don't love it, but I can tolerate small doses now. I must be developing a tolerance. That frightens me. But hey, I'm half white trash anyway, right? It could be worse- I still prefer old crossover stuff like Johnny Cash and Kenny Rogers to the current....well, then there's Alison Krauss, the voice that can soothe this savage beast. I would venture to bet that she's used to stop barfights in country-boy watering holes....I mean, her half of "Whiskey Lullaby" almost makes me want to cry. I did say "almost." How can you hate Jimmy Buffett, even if he's doing country tunes now- is it that far off from his classic stuff?

Maybe only 90% of all country is bad. What the hell is wrong with me? I keep telling myself that I am not fighting it anymore because it makes my work easier, but still....I need to get some rockabilly or folk-rock or something....maybe the first Days of the New album will cure me. I just have to hold out until I can get on the rock station.

---END OF LINE---

"I am sorry, but all questions must be submitted in writing."

2004-07-11T21:57:00.000-07:00

Boredom in the booth.

2004-07-11T08:02:00.000-07:00

Damn it, Copygodd- it's your fault. I had to know.

36% evil? That's all? Surely I must try harder.

I also noticed my ad bar is advertising Ann Coulter shit. Fuck that. So the following words are here to hopefully get those ads off my blog: moderate, centrist, Al Franken, liberal, leftist, Che Guevara, McDonald's, Michael Moore, PBS, National Public Radio, nihilist, anarchist, gun control, pro-choice, equal rights, gay marriage, John Kerry, John Edwards.

There. Now maybe they'll stop advertising for that psycho-bitch.

---END OF LINE---

"I am sorry, but all questions must be submitted in writing."

Master Control Room fun

2004-07-10T13:57:00.000-07:00

Long overdue pics of the studio i.e. "where the magic happens."

Here it is- the studio itself. Selling out is not all bad- and the funny thing is, this studio is far, far nicer than the one at the station I used to work with a few years ago- and that other station is a much larger market.

The mixing board. The forge of radio power, if you will. This is the instrument that determines what plays when. The sliders determine volume, the buttons determine if a particular item is live (on the air) or in "cue" (not live, but audible in the studio). To go beyond that would require a technical manual and a lot more space, so let's move on.

Radio Myth #1: Radio is live all the time- even if you don't hear someone's voice, someone's working the boards.
Not true anymore. With computer technology where it is now, you can have a station run on nothing but autopilot- all that requires is an occasional checkup to ensure everything's running smoothly. Our new classic rock station went live by playing 10,000 songs in a row, with nothing but pre-recorded snippets of audio in between.

This is the AudioVault screen. The green bars are ads, the orange is a jingle, and the yellow is a "liner" (a spoken interlude). When I run a race, I have to make sure a block of these is played at every station break, plus a Legal ID once per hour. The Legal ID is the one where they mention the stations call letters, where the actual transmitters are located (sometimes not where the studio is located), and the name of the station.

On the right are the four AVs. These are where all of the songs, ads, and whatever else are played that aren't live. They work like cart machines, except they don't constantly get jammed up and they sound 20 times better. Cartridge machines look a lot like 8-track tapes, and are about as technically advanced.

This is a touchscreen monitor, too- so I can "fire" (play) a track by touching the yellow AV buttons on the right.

These are the CD players. They don't get used that much- mainly for any departures from the norm or for emergencies. They are something of a holdover from earlier days. Denon is something of a standard in the radio world- my college's CD players were Denons as well, but not as slick as these.

Yes, we also have a MiniDisc player. Stop laughing- it's actually somewhat useful (but I haven't used it yet).

Radio Myth #2: When people call in and request a song, it's 100% live.
Nope. In this day and age of potty-mouths (don't look at the screen funny- I never said I wasn't one), you can't be too careful. Also, if you screw up when you're on the phone, it sounds lousy.

Enter this little linear-editing device, the VoxPro. You can cut, splice, bleep, and re-record stuff you screwed up so it sounds nice and professional. It's fun to fool with, plus you can make turntablist-style scratching noises by moving the dial back and forth.

The whiteboard. This is where we, um, write notes to each other and stuff. It's pretty straightforward. The "BrainBuster" is a promo where the morning show asks a tough question and the first caller to get it right wins a cash prize.

This one says "Approximately one million women do this every year with their husbands." The answer is "go hunting." Nice and vague, so that only someone who heard that exact little factoid will get it right.

I have another bit of trivia for you- I bet 75% of those women who hunt with their husbands are ugly. I'm not being mean here- pretty girls usually don't like the ugly business of killing, gutting, and de-organing wildlife. Hey, I don't like the idea of it myself- at least not as something fun to do. If I'm ever hunting, it will likely be because I have to do so to survive.

This is a cue sheet that I use to help determine roughly when the ads will play. The numbers written in the margins aren't my handwriting, by the way- my penmanship is far too ugly.

Running these races can get dull. I like to use the time to catch up on other people's blogs and stuff. Here's a shot of Kat's blog on the Voxpro screen.

---END OF LINE---

"I am sorry, but all questions must be submitted in writing."

One more step towards global media domination....

2004-07-10T13:10:00.000-07:00

I'm about eight years behind- ten if you include the local kid who started interning at age 14.

but in a week I will be doing my first voice track shift. Sure, it's 10-midnight Sunday on the country station, but it's AIRTIME, baby.

I even have the perfect cheesy name for sucking up to the fans for it- since it's the last few hours of the weekend, I am going to call it "The Last Ride."

Now I have to think of a handle that will work on a country station. "Wolfchild" is too esoteric. Just using my first name is dull, but it will have to do for the moment. "Fleshrender" isn't gonna fly on a country station. I'm considering using "(first name) Helliyan" as my handle when I get on a rock station- even if it is cheesy.

Got any suggestions?

---END OF LINE---

"I am sorry, but all questions must be submitted in writing."

Train wreckage is fun....

2004-07-06T20:56:00.000-07:00

In a metaphorical sense, anyway.

Why train wrecks? Let's begin, shall we?

Last weekend I get to the station to do the NASCAR USA Show, and everything seems to be going according to plan. I have a perfect block of stuff to play between this show and the race. Life is good, right?

Nope. One of the downsides of computerized everything is that computers at some point are bound to fail.

With about a minute and a half to spare, the AudioVault system dies on me. Blue Screen of Death stop code and everything.

So I scramble to find something, anything, to put on. I reach for what we call the Oh Shit! CD, and of course, the one time I need it, it is missing. Fuck.

I notice a CD in one of the players, so I set the board to play it over the air, hit the Play button and hope for the best. I inadvertently proceeded to torture my listeners with 4 minutes of "Don't Worry, Be Happy" minus the lyrics. Even country fans don't deserve that kind of torture- I hope the UN doesn't come down on me for it, quite frankly. I know Boutrous Boutrous-Ghali would've probably sent some goons in blue helmets to smack me around. Kofi Annan's probably a big fan of that song even though Bobby McFerrin himself can't stand it now.

I call Mike (the boss) in a bit of a panic. I am on the edge of going somewhere with this company and I am dangerously close (in my mind) to falling off the Cliff of Radio Stardom and back to the Valley of the (gasp) Listeners. Mike tells me about the Oh Shit! CD, and I mention how it's nowhere to be found. He mentions the cabinet behind me which has loads of air-ready Music. I throw the doors open and grab the first two CDs I can find.

To make things more interesting, they're in caddies. Not regular easy-open ones, I'm talking about caddies with screws on them. I get one open, throw the CD in and press Play. Pam Tillis- that will work fine. Meanwhile Mike is telling me he'll get the engineer down there to look at it I can't get the second box in, so the listeners are again treated to the wonderful sound of a CD spinning up. It's Blackhawk or Black Oak Arkansas- no, wait, they were a rock band- Black-something (obviously not Blackstreet or Black Sheep, but I digress). OK, it'll do.

The system comes back up (the servers are God-awful slow- we're talking about 20 minutes to reboot here). I just have to re-align everything and we're good to go for now, right? I get AudioVault going and go off to get a well-deserved carry-out lunch.

New rule: never, EVER order pizza for carryout again without calling ahead, unless I have time to burn.

Fortune decided not to totally fuck me over as I get back just in time to start the race. So now, everything's going to turn around for the better, right?

HA! Didn't I say this was a fucking train wreck? I go to transition to the race, thinking all is well. The engineer will have to shut the server off for about 10 minutes, so I am told to just let the national ads run when they do this. No big deal. Except for the fact that there's NOTHING coming from the race feed.

Fuck, fuck, FUUUUCCKK!!! Luckily, we only missed some blather and no race, but luckily the engineer was there or else it would've been longer. The satellite (which I have NO access to) was set to MRN instead of PRN. Beautiful.

I get the race going, and I'm thinking we finally got it fixed. We're finally good to go, right? Wrong again.

The 10 minutes I mentioned before? Try 90. The worst part was that he was installing a new hard drive into a server. If I knew any extra steps needed to finish the job I could've had it done in ten minutes. At the least the drive would be in, awaiting formatting, with the server running. Eh, I'll give our engineer the benefit of the doubt though- I'm pretty sure it was more complicated than that. OK, even if it wasn't, just lie and say "yes."

About an hour before race's end, we are finally up and good to go, in earnest. No more shutdowns. They actually ran a NASCAR race on a track that seems more suited for Formula 1- kinda interesting, but I was too paranoid to pay attention. All that was left was the unenviable task of cramming 2 hours worth of commercials into the next hour or so of airtime. I think I did a good job all things considered.

Out of the ads I run, the same companies always pop up-

the truck custom place (it looks like they drove the store off-road, too),
the tattoo parlor (met 'em- nice people. Aced their health exam, too- it was a really clean place),
the gun shop (at least they got rid of the "Stock Turkey Racers" ad- I hated it),
the butcher shop (insert your own meat joke here),
and the realtor, who is named Maurice but pronounces it like an English chap- "Morris." Whoever did that spot was in a hurry because at least once she calls him "Mores."

I forgot to mention- since we had missed one legal ID already, I actually got on the mike and did one (it was an emergency, people). One of the worst things I've ever done in front of a live microphone (including karaoke of Guns & Roses' "Sweet Child o' Mine").

The next weekend, I was on call for my day job. It went about as well. Rather than bore you with the details I'll go over the salient points:

Cricket sucks. At least, for time sensitive people it sucks. It took voice mails 3 fucking hours to get to me one day that weekend. Maybe it was just because of the holiday, but Sprint didn't take 3 hours to deliver voicemail to me.
Our VP was amazingly understanding, especially since he had just gotten an earful from one of our worst customers to deal with (who, naturally, is one of our biggest- his monthly bills are more than my salary by themselves)
No call from the Ice Queen (another difficult customer). God lives- there's your proof.
Thankfully, no one called on the 4th, so I was able to enjoy family time that day.
When the hell did this whole "The 4th is on a Sunday, so July 5th is a holiday" rule come about? Obviously our customers didn't seem to notice- they just thought our phone systems were down or that I was ignoring them.
Did I mention I fucking hate Cricket?

Anyway, it was all worth it....you'll see why.

---END OF LINE---

"I am sorry, but all questions must be submitted in writing."

Branch-off: breaking my promise for one time only....

2004-06-20T11:12:00.000-07:00

Ann Coulter. Why shouldn't you believe her?

Do I even have to tell you? She's yet another frothing neocon "columnist" who, unlike her "peers" she isn't even good at weaving a halfway decent argument.

Instead, she makes up for what she lacks in reasoning ability with extra doses of bile. Oh, I almost forgot her key research technique: putting keywords alternating with the word "and" into LexisNexus, finding no results, and using that as evidence. A sixth grader who tried a stunt like this would get a D if this was their primary form of evidence for a research paper. If I put this string into Google:

fleshrender angry jaded pissed pissed-off "no girlfriend" cynic cruel nasty spiteful

and it comes up with no results, is that proof that none of these things apply to me? Ann Coulter would say yes. How fucked up is that? I don't give a shit what your political affiliation is, I say it again: how fucked up is that?

Seriously, if you like Ann Coulter you can't read this column anymore. Before you think I'm picking on her because she's a neocon, keep in mind I think Hillary Clinton is a bitch too. The difference is Hillary is smart, cunning, and able to hang with (and often beat) the boys at their own game. You have to be a bitch to be that successful, and I suspect she secretly takes pride in all of the righties calling her a "bitch" because it means she's getting to them.

Coulter, on the other hand, is merely a frothing bitch. She is not cunning or crafty; she's just pissy. Nothing she says is new, insightful, funny, or even interesting. She comes off like a total crony; she doesn't add anything to the political discourse- all she knows is how to sling the word "liberal" around. One day a liberal's going to save your life, or a family member's life, or a relative's life. Then what will you say? "Liberals, except for Dr. Smith who saved my niece's life, are all worthless scum-sucking God-hating heathens." Yeah, I figure it'll sound like that.

For that matter, Ann, I dare you to go a week without blaming liberals for everything that is wrong with America today. I've got news for you- the tree-hugging hippies aren't polluting our soil and water.

Need more proof that she's a lousy writer? Take this quote from her column dated June 3rd:

The good news is: Liberals' anti-war hysteria seems to have run its course. I base this conclusion on Al Gore's lunatic anti-war speech last week. Gore always comes out swinging just as an issue is about to go south. He's the stereotypical white guy always clapping on the wrong beat. Gore switched from being a pro-defense Democrat to a lefty peacenik – just before the 9-11 attack. He grew a beard – just in time for an attack on the nation by fundamentalist Muslims. He endorsed Howard Dean – just as the orange-capped Deaniacs were punching themselves out. Gore even went out and got really fat – just before America officially gave up carbs. This guy is always leaping into the mosh pit at the precise moment the crowd parts. Mark my words: Now that good old Al has come lunging in, the anti-war movement is dead.

Let's dissect this sorry excuse for political commentary line by line, shall we?

The good news is: Liberals' anti-war hysteria seems to have run its course. I base this conclusion on Al Gore's lunatic anti-war speech last week.

Ah yes, the hallmark of any good political commentator: the half-truth. See, half-truths are statements that are correct on the surface, but pick a couple of layers of epidermis and the ugly, pulsating whole truth is revealed. The whole truth is that yes, the "flaming" protests have gone away, because it's clear they don't work anymore. What does work is millions of pissed-off people talking to each other, writing stuff like this, but better, and other more direct, modern methods. Judging by the numbers of "When Clinton Lied, No One Died" and anti-W stickers, I think a lot of people are pissed off about the war.

Besides, there are many adjectives I can think of to describe Al Gore, but "lunatic" isn't one of them, if for no other reason than the fact that anyone that sedate can't be a lunatic.

I base this conclusion on Al Gore's lunatic anti-war speech last week. Gore always comes out swinging just as an issue is about to go south. He's the stereotypical white guy always clapping on the wrong beat.

Yeah, Al's a bit slow. I think he's better off as a professor these days anyway. But here's a thought: did you ever stop to think that endorsing Dean might have been a calculated, cunning risk to make the Dems see that Dean's too lefty to win? Didn't think of that, did you, Miss Genius?

And God damn it, I'm a white guy and I can clap on the right beat. Just because I don't have soul doesn't mean I have zero rhythm (though I do reinforce the stereotype that white guys can't dance).

She continues the inanity:

Gore switched from being a pro-defense Democrat to a lefty peacenik – just before the 9-11 attack. He grew a beard – just in time for an attack on the nation by fundamentalist Muslims. He endorsed Howard Dean – just as the orange-capped Deaniacs were punching themselves out. Gore even went out and got really fat – just before America officially gave up carbs.

Line by line:

Politicians are opportunists. Gore is really bad at it. This is nothing new. Please stop rehashing.
Bearded men support terrorism? Stop dragging Peter the Great's name in the mud by copying his shtick for the sake of a lousy joke. By that logic, I am a Satanist just because my goatee looks a little sinister. Maybe he wanted to unleash his inner hippie or some shit. Hey Ann, you should try doing something new for once- I hate to admit it, but I bet you'd look good in leather pants and a Motley Crue t-shirt. See how the other half lives for once, or something.
I don't need to repeat the logic behind the Dean thing.
Ooh, how mature- jokes about someone's weight. Of course, most people that make cracks about others' weight do so because they can't eat what the fat people are eating. You're just mad because he's eating pie and you aren't. And all of America hasn't given up carbs- just the diet-obsessive wackjobs like you, scrawny. Have fun with the kidney transplants!

Wow- how insightful. And her latest column mentions how liberals are kissing up to Reagan now that he's dead. Ooh, they're hypocrites- how original. How many people have been saying that? Did you ever think that maybe they just wanted to have a little respect for the dead? Of course not. Liberals aren't capable of anything good at all. They are demons bent on destroying America. Conservatives always care and know what's best for everyone. I can't wait to see what the right-wingers say when Carter or Clinton die.

How childish and fucking stupid. 99% of the time, it's not that simple. We grownups know this.

One thing I do admire about Reagan- he had some blistering clashes with many key Democrats during his tenure, but at the end of the day he was able to meet those same Dems for dinner afterward and smile, laugh, and joke around. He was able to leave the job at the office, so to speak. Thanks to people like you on both sides, we can't do that anymore.

I don't hate Coulter because she's a right-winger. I don't hate her period. She's a lot less intelligent than she thinks she is. I would be insulted if I were a conservative (instead of the non-party issue-based guy that I am) to be lumped in with her. Everyone has a purpose: Coulter's is to make people like Rush Limbaugh seem moderate and thoughtful.

The difference between people like me and people like her is that I will consider things from another perspective. I'll walk a mile in her shoes, then take them off and say "fucking hell, those are some stiff, uncomfortable-ass shoes. Not all of us practice foot-binding, bitch."

If any of you people reading this are neocons, I'll say something to make you feel better: I think Hollywood liberals can be annoying because it's easy for them to be liberal- sacrifices they make to support liberal causes aren't a big deal to them. What's a little more tax money when you are worth 5 million or more?

There's your fair and balanced. I promise, the next entry will be my usual curmudgeonly grousing about how lame the entertainment industry is.

---END OF LINE---

"I am sorry, but all questions must be submitted in writing."

More racing, blah blah blah....

2004-06-20T07:45:00.000-07:00

Isn't blogging wonderful?

I'm in the studio right now running this syndicated show called NASCAR USA (lots of caps there, eh?). Country music (yee-ha!) and NASCAR interviews and stuff, punctuated with snippets of old race broadcasts.

R. Lee Ermey is funny on the radio. At least the ad he's doing does involve a good cause (the poor families of soldiers who have died, been wounded, or are otherwise not home).

Whee. The ads are on. Fun. And fucking Audioblogger is down right now. I was hoping to let you guys listen to snippets of the joys of pushing buttons and working sliders for yet another syndicated show.

Someday I'll get my show....and even if I'm only on in one town, I promise it won't suck. Or maybe I can successfully work a gimmick where I play something and say it sucks- if I do it right, I can both speak my mind and get angry Good Charlotte fans to tune in, boosting ratings. It works for Stern and Limbaugh, why not me?

Good Lord....a friggin' Dale Earnhardt tribute song....the ghost of Dale takes someone for a ride. OK, OK, I know- NASCAR fans are still mourning the loss of #3, but come on. I hope some of the royalties go to his favorite charity. At least those sappy-ass Three Doors Down songs give some money to war widows. It almost makes the damn things bearable. Almost.

In other important white-trash news (I say this tongue-in-cheek since I am 50% white trash myself), John "Bradshaw" Layfield (of WWE Smackdown fame) was fired from CNBC. Apparently he made a Nazi salute and goose-stepped around the ring during a show in Germany.

Being a half-breed Jew I should be pissed, right? Guess what, I'm not. Why?

There are a few reasons:

Layfield is something of a loudmouthed tool.

This is professional wrestling we're talking about here. There have been plenty of opportunities to be offended even in the past 6 or 7 years. Layfield's actions were offensive, but he is in no way the only one. There are far too many examples to count.

Reports say the crowd found the gestures really distasteful and offensive.

Lastly, wrestling is a show. Are we so far gone in political correctness that we can't distinguish between JBL, the character, and John Layfield, the man?

I have said it before, and I will say it again in case the PC Police are listening- if you don't like it, turn it off. We're not talking about opinion being presented as fact, or made-up stories being passed off as legit news items. We're talking about a big, loutish oaf of a Texan, playing the role of an arrogant, corporate asshole (think JR Ewing but far worse), going out of his way to piss off German fans.

Did he go too far? Yes. Was it tasteless? Absolutely. Did he deserve to be immediately fired from CNBC? No- he probably should have never gotten on to begin with if CNBC was going to have such a knee-jerk reaction without explaining the details and giving Layfield a chance to defend himself. Let the public decide.

I hate getting into politics on this blog, except when it pertains to the media/entertainment world. I believe this statement does. In this modern world of up-to-the-millisecond information, never trust a single source of information. Always check multiple sources. Read non-American news. And for fuck's sake do not take any political talk show host at their word. Not Rush Limbaugh, not Al Franken, not James Carville or G. Gordon Liddy, and definitely not Ann Coulter. Why? I am about to tell you above.

---END OF LINE---

"I am sorry, but all questions must be submitted in writing."

Moving day is cancelled....

2004-06-15T23:50:00.000-07:00

Hey kids,

I was going to move to here,thanks to my old buddy Khambian.

Now, odds are good it will just be a depository/place for special material as I can't use that freak's FTP settings to publish this thing since I have a subdomain.

Eh, whatever. At least I have a snazzy new email address!

---END OF LINE---

"I am sorry, but all questions must be submitted in writing."

Turn the radio down, Turn the radio down, down....

2004-06-12T03:06:00.000-07:00

The Wildhearts' US Tour Diary

I can scratch one item off my "big list."

I saw the Wildhearts live. Finally. After waiting 11 fucking YEARS. I saw Ginger and the boys tear it up live.

They did not disappoint. Their guitars did fall short a little though (click the link to read about "the curse"). Fucking guitars, trying to ruin this for me.

I saw them walk on stage and thought 'this is it. Now we see if these guys can get it done live.'

Ginger greeted us thusly: "Greetings Nashville, we are the Wildhearts. We come from the UK, a country with tiny little houses, tiny little cars, and big motherfucking guitar riffs."

I can safely say that fuck yeah, they can get it done. They opened with "Greetings from Shitsville" off the sadly out-of-print gem Earth vs. the Wildhearts. That blew me the hell away. "Vanilla Radio" kicked a lot of ass too. I liked their newer stuff OK, but it is a bit more mellow than I was used to (remember I only had Earth Vs... to keep me warm all this time). They were well played; the new songs just seemed a bit out of place alongside the harder-rocking tunes. The last song (I think it was "Nexus Icon," but I don't remember the order) had all sorts of crazy prog-rock-ish stops and starts. Some guy even asked me later if the new album was out yet. I remembered it was supposed to come out later, but I forgot that the dates use the non-Amurikin DD/MM/YY format instead of MM/DD/YY like we use. The album's already out. So yeah, that was a dumb moment, but it was nice to know I wasn't the only old-school fan there.

I almost forgot....Mike and Jason from Jason and the Scorchers (a big deal in their hometown of Nashville), did a song with them that I think was called "Ramblin' Man" (not the Allman Brothers tune). Who cares about titles, it kicked ass. A damn cool bonus that no one else will get, so there!

I lied a little- there was disappointment (besides the guitar trouble). The Wildhearts, as the openers, had a pretty short set. I must see them headline and play a full set soon.

Line of the night from Ginger: "Do you guys like country music? (Crowd boos) No? Well, you will all be country fans eventually. You might as well accept it; just like gray pubic hair, it's inevitable."

I will definitely say this- if you see early band photos of these guys, don't be misled. The early photos don't make them look like much, but I assure you they deliver the goods in abundance.

On to the Darkness, who headlined. I was torn on what to think of the audience. On one hand, it was nice to see a mix of old-school rockers, new-school kids, punks, headbangers, hellbillies, and even a few heroin-chic'ers. On the other hand, did there have to be so many goddamned preppies?! This is a rock concert, kids, do what the big people do and leave the sensible khakis and polo shirts at home, ya pussies. I even saw some guy wearing a Phish shirt. I wondered if he knew which concert he was attending, but that's not important. Phish shirt. At a real rock show. I couldn't believe it.

One thing I must give these cats credit for is their playing ability. The brothers Hawkins certainly know their stuff, and bassist Frankie Poullain is a solid bassist (we didn't get to hear any Cliff Burton-esque bass heroics, but I suspect Poullain could give us a little funk or something, given the chance). Ed Graham is a competent, if unremarkable drummer (what, all this bombast and no Neil Pert, Charlie Benante, or Tommy Lee-style solos?), but in fairness to the guy it's probably the tunes holding him back (even if Justin did cause him to miss a beat at one point during an extended clap-along).

Another thing that was fun was catching all of the references in the show. Justin's Freddie Mercury jumpsuits, brother Dan's Malcolm Young no-frills t-shirt/jeans/mop hair, Frankie's Tom Keifer-with-Freddie Mercury's mustache look, and Ed's equally AC/DC "form-follows-function, except for the hair" style....and this is just the outfits. Freddie is obviously one of Justin's heroes, as he takes the Queen frontman's mannerisms to such extremes that he strays into parody. There was the behind-the-back play, the twin guitar assaults, Justin playing a solo on a wireless hookup while being carried through the crowd, and others that I have likely forgotten.

Justin is a funny guy, or at least he has a good writer coming up with witty banter. At one point he asked the Nashville crowd if they were into "a bit of boogie-woogie," with the double-o's pronounced like "food" instead of "good," and a bit of drawl. Say it out loud and it will make more sense. He does a passable redneck voice too. The most memorable moments of the stage antics bookended "Keep Your Hands Off My Woman." This deserves its own paragraph.

Justin mentions how they want to release that song as a single, but there's a lot of profanity, so they had to switch out "motherfucker" for "melon farmer" and "cunt" for "coconut" and all that, then he notices a small girl in the front row. Mid-sentence he stops and says "Wait a minute- how old are y- 10 years old? We've got a 10-year-old in the front row!" "And where are the eminently responsible parents?" This got a big laugh. Apparently they brought her there to "teach her to rock" (perfect fodder for this kind of band). Anyhow, they play the song up to right before the end, then stop. That link above kinda ruined the surprise, as Ginger mentioned the bit with a large, "wrestler-sized man." Justin had the girl come up on stage and sing the "mother" part of the last few rounds of the word "motherfucker" (to which the crowd replied with the other half). After this, Justin says "that's the most nonchalant delivery I've ever heard! Brilliant!"

They had a lot of energy, worked the crowd wonderfully, and put on a hell of a show. However, besides the aforementioned "Keep Your Hands Off My Woman," the only other songs I rememebered at all were their singles: "I Believe in a Thing Called Love," and "Growing On Me." The other tunes were not that memorable; sounding like a giant audio puree of almost every arena rock and hair metal group I have ever heard. Fun in the context of the show, but it hinders their songs' ability to stand on their own. Without the riotous performance and flash, they seem to lack substance.

Justin's vocals were near-perfect, so much so that I suspected a pitch adjuster was in use on his mike (equipment which basically auto-corrects any mistakes made by the singer). There was a detectable reverb on his mike, too- the possibility of the former and the definite existence of the latter detracted from his vocals. I would rather hear that his voice isn't perfect (Ginger's is far from perfect, but we heard, without a doubt, his real voice) than retooled flawlessness. Even Queen wasn't 100% on all the time.

Plus he teased us with a few bars of "Cat Scratch Fever" on his guitar. Damn it, don't do that! Give us the goods, leave it alone, but don't tease your audience with the perfect cover tune for your group only to not do it.

If falsettos annoy you, then by all means The Darkness is your audial Black Plague. If you want real old school arena rock, wait for the Kiss/Poison or Aerosmith/Cheap Trick tours.

However, if you are sick of mopey bands like Incubus, Linkin Park, and Evanescence, then The Darkness is a welcome change of pace, familiar footprints or no.

In conclusion, I would place The Darkness in the same lot with GWAR And jazz music. What in the hell do those have in common, you ask? To me, they are all great, enjoyable live experiences that a recording just can't replace. I would see either GWAR or The Darkness live again, but I will most likely not buy either band's CDs. It just plain isn't the same.

I will leave you with one more thought: I have never in my life heard so many falsettos at the same time.

---END OF LINE---

"I am sorry, but all questions must be submitted in writing."

The trudge back to business...

2004-06-12T02:53:00.000-07:00

I haven't done a board op in 3 weeks. I told them this week that I was definitely up for doing one.

Before then, my boss at the station told me this other guy was wanting more hours- I practically cut him off, insisting that this was a fluke set of circumstances and that I was ready to get back to it. That kid can wait his damn turn, I've been waiting 6 years to try toget an airshift on a real radio station.

My most recent conversation with him had a bit of good news, too- that I would "definitely be in consideration for an airshift in the future."

A spit-take moment right there, had I not been driving. Yeah, I'm one of those fuckers who drives and talks at the same time. I do put driving first and talking second- I have been known to ask someone to repeat something because I was, y'know, driving.

First, an airshift. Then, a bigger airshift. Then I get on fulltime and start pushing my metal show idea. Then, I market the show for potential syndication. Then I can begin my plans for mass media domination. OK, maybe not, but maybe, just maybe I can get a show big enough to allow me to actually pick what I play.

Of course, that's assuming I don't get into voice acting first.

---END OF LINE---

"I am sorry, but all questions must be submitted in writing."

Another epitaph....

2004-05-24T02:33:00.000-07:00

I don't have a good picture of him, but this spot is dedicated to my late uncle Rod, who died May 24, 2004 of complications from a car accident.

The truth is this: some 75-year-old fossil who had no business driving didn't bother to stop though the carmy uncle was in was the 3rd one to cross the intersection after the light on Mr. Relic's side had turned red.

A bit faster or slower, and my aunt and cousin wouldn't be without their husband and father, respectively. It affected me not so much because I was close to him, but I am close to my aunt and cousin, and he was a few years younger than my dad is now, and he had some of the health concerns my dad faces now. I told my dad I was glad he was continuing to work out and keep himself healthy, because I didn't want to be doing this for him next year. As trite as it sounds, I would like him to at least have a grandkid or two, y'know?

Two silver linings: One, I got to see old family and ones I hadn't met before. Two, my uncle had a lot of friends and family pay their respects. I will be amazed if half that many people show up when I buy the farm.

When next we meet, Uncle Rod, the beer and hot wings are on me.

---END OF LINE---

"I am sorry, but all questions must be submitted in writing."

Epitaph for Canis....

2004-05-14T22:12:00.000-07:00

This is in memory of Clyde, who died early this morning.

I miss you, buddy.

And yes, god damn it, he was a good boy. Like Gary Larson said, "no matter what you do, no matter how big of a jerk you are, your dog still likes to see you come home."

If crying over this makes me a wuss, then maybe you haven't had a loyal friend in your life, you heartless fuck.

I just hope to God I don't hear that fucking "Remember When" song tomorrow....I might just cry like a little kid in the studio, during a stupid NASCAR race of all things.

---END OF LINE---

"I am sorry, but all questions must be submitted in writing."

Success can suck sometimes- really, it can.

2004-04-25T20:25:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I worked a Women's Show. It started out pretty lame, but got better as the day went on.

This music instructor was there and brought drums. The Animal in me (yes, that Animal) felt compelled to beat the drums, and I played pretty well if I do say so myself.

I heard a second-rate cover of the fun (but light) Ben Harper song "Steal My Kisses." Hey, I'm not his biggest fan but the guy's got some actual talent- something mainstream music is sorely lacking these days.

In a head-shaking moment, I met a Hooters girl. That was only 17. And had a 1 1/2 year old daughter. That means the guy (whatever guy it was) knocked her up when she was 15. What the fuck is wrong with kids today? If you're gonna fuck, use some damned protection, or at least some birth control. We're having too many spawn as it is- we don't need more, especially unintended ones. Then there's AIDS, but I don't need to go on about that.

Had a flashback to the days at the other station- an honest-to-God prize whore. Keep in mind, a prize whore is not someone who just wants one particular thing really bad. That's different. I mean chicks who blink the Bambi eyes, draw attention to their cleavage, act coy, and in a couple of cases, pretend they are interested in you and even make out with you (not in this case)....all for some tickets or a t-shirt. She was a cute little thing, too....even if her breasts were obviously fake and I knew she was playing me for a fool. I promised her the shirt I was wearing (I had a spare at home) if she'd come back at 6 pm....nope. No shirt for you, slappable ass or no.

Besides, who needs her? For the first time in a long time I met a real metal chick. At the very least, she was something of a rock geek like I am. Fairly easy on the eyes, with a lot of common tastes. Why the hell do all of the cool rawk chicks have to live so far away (an hour or more)? I work in a midsized (few million) city and I can never find the rockergirls there....all the ones I meet listen to "I'm too hip for the fucking room" Brit-pop or the wannabe American versions (the latest of which is a group called Snow Patrol- sounds like rock without the swagger)....or they have no taste at all and listen to whatever ClearChannel tells them, er, I mean, whatever's on Top 40 radio. I must be looking in the wrong places- that and also, when I do find them they tend to be too young. But this one was too good to be true....she even talked about how she would've given herself to Cinderella's Tom Keifer had she been legal back when they were big.

I would've done the same for Lita Ford....hell, I'd still do it. Of course, the closest I'll ever get to being Lita's bitch for a night is, maybe in some twisted fluke, I'd get to sing Ozzy's part in "Close My Eyes Forever," heh heh.

I only followed the other remote tech's lead because he set everything up. He or the other chica better know that I don't do that all the time. Bossy gits, both of 'em. I'm practically part time air talent- they should know their fucking roles. It's OK though- I'll get an airshift and they'll get shitcanned.

In other news, today's board op was fun (that's called "sarcasm," kids, because it fucking sucked).

Since I got there one minute before 9:00 AM instead of 15 minutes before, we had dead air. Great. Last week we had more music and liners than we could possibly play in the time leading up to the pre-race show (by design) but not this week.
I do the pre-race show (only missing the first few songs before synching up perfectly and leave for a bit to chat with some other part-timers. I figure I've got 45 minutes until the race broadcast, and if I get back in the studio 10 minutes before race time I'll be able to synch (that's pronounced like "sink," not "cinch"- I fucking hate that) it back up again, right? Wrong....instead of the aforementioned protocol of a buffer of extra songs as a safety measure, there was nothing scheduled for 15 minutes, again. On the upside, it gave me an excuse to play some Johnny Cash aka "the only country that rockers can like without being laughed at." The Man in Black was fucking cool and don't you forget it, junior.
I get this thing back on track, and the race begins, and there's static on the feed. This culminated in damn near giving me a heart attack as the feed went dead for about a minute, 5 minutes before the actual race began.
Then there was a false-alarm commercial cue that made me jump the gun on one ad. I hate that- thankfully MRN has their shit together for the most part (satellite feeds being hampered by bad weather doesn't count).
This isn't really a problem per se, but Dale Earnhardt Jr. is a fucking sore loser.

Despite some bad shit happening at today's board op, it wasn't a total clusterfuck. I did manage to transfer back to Voice Track mode damn near perfectly (within 10 seconds of the projected time needed).

....fucking hell- shoulda put in one more jingle.

Why the title? Simple- because at the rate I am going I am looking at getting an airshift fairly soon....at the country station. Fate does indeed have a sense of humor.

---END OF LINE---

"I am sorry, but all questions must be submitted in writing."

Proof that Clear Channel, Cumulus and Citadel suck ass.

2004-04-11T18:46:00.000-07:00

OpenAirwaves.org's report on radio conglomerates.

Read the story in the link above.

Now try to tell me that radio these days isn't homogeneous, goat-blowing, unadulterated crap.

---END OF LINE---

"I am sorry, but all questions must be submitted in writing."

One step closer to the setting sun, your skin's on fire again....

2004-04-11T16:20:00.000-07:00

Blame Kat for the title. It seemed fitting. If you can tell me where it's from I'll, um....I'll mention you here, and say how musically knowledgeable you are. Yeah, that's the ticket....

Another Sunday, another board op.

Wait, what am I talking about? This one was another step towards my conquest of the world through mind control messages....um, I mean, towards being an on-air personality.

I decided to do a board op for an Easter special remote today. Get this: instead of being a call-in, we used a live remote broadcast unit. I had to be reminded of how to change settings on the board because I was in utter shock.

Shock? Yes, shock- the air talent at the scene said he was under the impression that I would be live for the duration of the remote, too.

In other words, I would've been a DJ for 2 hours.

Holy. Fucking. Shit. I decided not to ruffle feathers since I wasn't given the OK to go on air and just added a couple of songs. I was able to get in a request for this poor kid whose 14-year-old friend died last week in a racing accident. I didn't ask, neither should you.

I boffed a couple of cues- mainly because the system has a manual and auto mode. When the system goes to auto mode, a button labeled "Auto Segue" has to be pressed or else the broadcast will stop dead. Dead air is a sin in radio. I wish that Auto Segue would turn itself on by default....it's so damned annoying.

For the most part things went well, and this might mean a real on-air shift soon. My sexy voice needs to be heard on the air. Don't get me wrong, I don't sound sexy all the time or anything, but when I am focused on that microphone, I am an auditory Casanova, baby.

Of course, in an appropriately evil twist, it's on the fucking country station. I can count the number of country songs I like (that aren't Johnny Cash songs) on one hand, I think. Y'know how some people say country music isn't all about drinking, losing your woman or man, and love of Jesus and the USA? They're fucking liars, the lot of them.

The only exceptions I know of are Toby Keith's "bus songs" (anyone that can work a good rhyme for "Turkmenistan" into a song has talent, country or no), Brad Paisley's "Celebrity," which is a pretty good knock on our 15-seconds-of-fame pop culture, and this song about making easy money that I think is by Hank Williams III (a.k.a. the one that you can listen to without being labeled a full-blood redneck).

Side note: see if you can get a copy of All's version of "Hot Rod Lincoln." Great song. ITunes has the original by Commander Cody, but not the cover. ITunes is also lacking another great Commander Cody song: the tribute to fast food culture, "Two Triple Cheese, Side Order of Fries."

What else....Oh, I'm listening to The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People on CD right now. It's got a lot of good points so far, but it is incredibly dry. Dull, even. I don't feel like I'm being "empowered" by it, more like it's a reinforcement of stuff I already know, with a few more good points thrown in. Hey, my boss is making us read it- I for one think 99.9% of self-help books are bullshit. One day I'm going to write a book called Stop Fucking Up: This Book Won't Promise You Success with Wealth or Women, But At Least You Won't Be a Total Fucking Failure.

That's not going to fit on a book cover- I'll have to work on that title.

---END OF LINE---

"I am sorry, but all questions must be submitted in writing."

Next time, Gadget....next time....

2004-04-07T23:14:00.000-07:00

I still intend on doing the "why Howard Stern is your friend and mine, whether you like him or not" entry soon. Let me finish the week and see if I don't sleep through the entire damned weekend.

---END OF LINE---

"I am sorry, but all questions must be submitted in writing."

Why I don't like ITunes....

2004-04-07T21:01:00.000-07:00

OK, I haven't done shit with this in a while now....real life work kinda sucks that way.

I'd like to share my brief ITunes experience with all four of you.

Someone gave me one of those "One Free Download" caps from the Pepsi promotion that just ended. I thought "cool, free tuneage." Well, it wasn't quite as cool as I thought, for reasons I will go into further down.

First thing I find out is that I have to install ITunes. OK, so I have to use their software- no biggie, right? The promotional (read: spam) email lists are opted-out by default....well done, shows they are pushing Pepsi but at least they're honest about it. And they did get Dimebag's ITunes list on there, even if it does have to sit among the pop assclowns.

So I get the software on and go song huntin'....since I haven't had the money to build up a righteous CD Collection in a while, I snag Motörhead's classic "No Voices in the Sky." It downloads quickly and does warn me that I'm about to burn my piddling one credit. So far so good, right?

Well, yes and no. The song was mis-titled "No Voice in the Sky." {BZZT!} I'm sorry, that answer is incorrect, thanks for playing, take your Rice-A-Roni and get the fuck out of here....fuck, I'm dating myself- they don't give away Rice-A-Roni, "The San Francisco Treat," away on game shows anymore, do they? You could also tell that a game show had a large nerd fanbase by how often they gave away White's metal detectors....but back to the story.

So I've got my copy of "No Voice-" ahem- "No Voices in the Sky," and I go to see if I can open it in Windows Media Player or RealPlayer or Windows Media Player- no dice. "Hmm...maybe I can convert it?" So I check the help file and in my haste I notice that you can convert ITunes files to MP3 or a couple of others....nothing to do with the wonderfully-named Ogg Vorbis (who would be a kick-ass video game villain/sought-after object of power) but that's OK. MP3 works for me. So I try to convert (the ITunes file, not to switch religions). Nope. I make a copy and try again- uh-uh. I bust out a copy of db PowerAmp Music Converter and see if there's a way to convert the odd m4p file. No luck....it will convert back and forth on most of Apple-based files, but not this one.

I missed the fine print, kids. ITunes purchased songs can't be converted to any format- at least not directly. There are two options:

1) Burn the track to CD, then use DMC or a similar program to rip from the CD. I guess the idea here is that if people have to waste media to rip the tracks for propagation into Kazaa and their ilk, they'll think twice. Not too bad- certainly better than no options at all, in case there are a handful of songs you need in another format.

2) There's this little utility that converts from that m4p format to MP4, which can be converted via DMC and other programs. Click here for instructions on how to use this little gem. By the way, if you're used to long file names, derail that train of thought for now- use the old "xxxxxx~1.m4p" naming style to get the utility to work.

I got impatient and finally burned the song to a CDingle (that's for my old buddy Mike), then ripped that to MP3. Then I had to re-enter the title info and convert the high-quality master copy (made with all setting maxed) to a median size for day-to-day use.

This was a pain. The sad thing is, if I owned an iPod and not a Rio Nitrus (which I dig, except for the fact that I can't find a damned carrying case for it), it would've been a lot easier. But you can't upload from an iPod without installing a hack.

OK, now for more annoyances. ITunes installs three background apps/startup options that eat fucking memory everytime I start Windows. Sure I can cut 'em off manually, but why should I have to do that? I disabled everything, but just once I wish I could install something that asked if you did want to install the extra stuff that installs itself into the background.

It could be worse- at least there's no spyware. But Apple, I have news for you- some of us don't use ITunes every time we get on our computers. Some of us have more important things to do sometimes, like photo editing, web layouts, or most importantly, games.

In all fairness to Apple though, ITunes is pretty intuitive: it's easy to do just about anything (except convert the songs you've bought from them to another format). The sound quality seems good, and the amount of info on each track is extensive. The rights are fairly generous, too. You know, I'll even backpedal a fair amount and say that ITunes is good- except you better be committed to buying an IPod. If not, you'll be burning MP3 CDs or running batch conversions for a long time.

So, if you plan on getting an IPod, I say thumbs up (but see about disabling the extra stuff that automatically loads on boot- ask a geek to help if need be). If you're going to fight the power and buy another brand, don't bother unless you just want a bitchin' jukebox for a computer or three. Since Bill Gates owns enough stock to both have a bit of say in Apple and to claim driving Apple out of business is not in his interests, you should think it over.

Me, I like my Nitrus, and would likely get a Karma if I wanted more space. But hey, I like black gear more than white anyway.

---END OF LINE---

"I am sorry, but all questions must be submitted in writing."

Congratulations! I'm screwed!

2004-03-22T14:18:00.000-08:00

Hell has frozen over, and the ski jumps are primed and ready.

The company I interviewed with two weeks ago about a job called me back. It turns out they need two new people after all, not just one.

So I have a real full time job. One that will let me climb out of debt quickly. One that will let me be 100% financially independent. Cool.

Well, almost. Now I am going to have to cut back on my radio stuff. Fuck. Just when more opportunities were coming my way, too. I really need this job, at least for now. For now, the day job has to be top priority. Once I am past the 90-day point (or if I really screw the pooch and fuck it up), I think I will be able to find a healthy balance. I don't want to give up on radio, and as much as these guys are paying me, I will leave if it means giving that up.

I have been given a sign. I am supposed to continue in radio, at least until I fuck it up on my own terms. Succeed, or burn myself out trying. Quitting completely is not an option.

---END OF LINE---

"I am sorry, but all questions must be submitted in writing."

Radio is incestuous....

2004-03-21T21:33:00.000-08:00

The radio business is incestuous.

No, that doesn't mean everyone in the business fucks their immediate family members, or even their second cousins (though I am sure a few of our listeners have gone there once or twice).

What I mean is that it's a very closed business. Odds are good that anyone you ever work with will either know other people you've worked with, or people who have worked with those people in a given region. For those playing at home, that's 2 degrees of Kevin Bacon, um, I mean, separation.

Case in point #1- The promotions director at our company- the woman that hired me- has taken a job at a bigger station in a bigger market that is coincidentally closer to home for me. We'll call her Betty. Anyway, I ran into Betty in the parking lot on my way to pack the station PT Cruiser for the tattoo parlor remote and she tells me it's her last day.

I was shocked at first, but relieved later to find out that she's not going far. I mentioned that one of the DJs I worked with at the prior stations (we'll call him Jay) was back on the air and doing the Friday night request show. She mentioned he helped her get the job! I told her if he gave her any trouble to tell him "I'll come find him," which will remind Jay who I am from our prior employer (I was the only one to make jokes like that- so obviously weird that it makes one wonder...). On my way home, which is an hour-plus drive without traffic, I turn on Jay's new employer for his show. On a whim I give the station a call and lo and behold I'm talking with him.

I know, big deal, right? So I'm on a call-in show....anyway, I tell him who it is, using his old nickname for me from his old morning show. He remembered my real name and everything. I told him I was at my current company and that Betty had said she was going to his station- he was glad to hear I was back in the game and assured me our new ~~promotions guy~~ program director was a good one. I went ahead and requested Adam Ant's "Goody Two Shoes," which he said was "a pretty crappy song," but that he'd play it.

It's not crappy, man....kooky, weird, even cheesy- but it doesn't compare to Limburger-level cheese like Haircut 100's "Love Plus One," Total Coelo's "I Eat Cannibals," Sparks and Jane Wiedlin's "Cool Places," and the all-time worst pop song of the 80's, Wide Boy Awake's "Chicken Outlaw."

Anyway, I plan on taking him up on his "meet-for-lunch" offer when out schedules permit. It'll be fun to catch up and swap epithets about our former employer....it also proves that Jay's a good guy. He's well-known enough to where he could've blown me off or forgotten me, but he didn't. I know the odds of being able to talk over sammiches is pretty low, considering he is a local celebrity and I am doing all of the crap no one else wants to do because I want my airshift and promo work yesterday.

Example #2- This one is not as detailed, but there are at least 3 DJs at our stations that worked for my former employer at one point....two of which were hired just recently. They and some of the other regulars there havekept tabs on further mutual acquaintances. If I'm looking for someone I worked with before, odds are good at least one of my current coworkers (using that term only in the sense that we both collect a paycheck from the same people) knows where they are and who they're with.

Too tired to do the Stern piece....but I will keep following the story so that, when I am cognizant enough to do it it'll be worth reading....at least in a "look at this guy run his mouth" sort of way.

I also learned today that my Butt-Head impersonation is not that accurate, but it's still better than anyone else I've heard try it- outside Mike Judge himself, naturally.

---END OF LINE---

"I am sorry, but all questions must be submitted in writing."

More steps toward actually being on the air....

2004-03-21T20:17:00.000-08:00

Interesting things have happened in the past week.

Did a board op for a live remote this past Wednesday. Went without a hitch- I felt like a total fuckin' pro. which led to...

The guy who got me doing the truck race board op work talking with the guy I worked with Wednesday, which led to....

My first regular gig....I'm going to be doing the real NASCAR races on Sundays. So whether I like it or not, I will be a Nascar expert within a few months....so much for my elitism, heh heh.

Had a tattoo parlor remote on Friday....it was kinda fun- the DJ worked at my old station for about 2 months. Cool guy with some funny stories- like the one about the 2 biker dudes who brought a stripper each and proceeded to get drunk while the strippers did all sorts of nasty things to each other- with him about 5 feet away, 19 years old, wishing he could get just the bikers out of the building, heh heh.

I advised some kid (there with his mom to get his first ink) to keep his tats to stuff that a shirt and pants can cover, at least for the moment- this other guy scoffed at me. I said "hey, if you have to go into the corporate world, they still frown on tats....I'm neurotic about that kind of thing OK?" Fuckhole preppy motherfucker wasn't exactly crawling in tattoos himself....I think his little whore girlfriend was getting a piercing. I have two things to say to you, you wanker:

1) Don't scoff unless you've got readily visible tattoos, junior.

2) Like it matters what you think- I work in radio and your job probably sucks, so fuck off, jackass. I'm a tech at a radio station now- you have a likely dull job in a hick town (nice, but hick). I'll be on the air and doing voiceovers soon, and you'll still be doing your dull job in the same hick town. Eventually I'll be in a bigger market with groupies (I even had them as a tech in my prior stint- Ha!) and money and fame....and you'll still be- that's right, working at the same stupid job in that hick town. Who knows, maybe you'll get promoted to a slightly higher paying job....but it's still lame compared to where I'll be, regardless of how much money you make. Why? Because I'll love my job and you won't. Enjoy your empty capitalist dream, sucker.

Besides, I took the advice from a far wiser man when I was a kid- he said he had been a car salesman for over 15 years and he has lost sales because the customers noticed the tattoos on his hands. It's cool being a rebel and all, but I am too paranoid to walk in without a backup plan. Besides, I have enough hair (a lot more than those pretty-boy models, but less than Wolverine or Robin Williams) to make tattoos almost anywhere pointless.

Anyway, it was fun, minus the assclown....sadly, the only girl who swapped her shirt for a station shirt was about 13 or 14....yes, I turned my back until she finished changing, you sickos- I am not that bad.

Did my first real race today....fairly uneventful, learned how to use the linear editor in the studio. I can't believe how simple it was. I cut a Nascar "sweeper" (10 second intro), a couple of metal-worthy sweeps for the rock station, and a Seinfeld impersonation, which just barely makes it above the Great Wall of Sucktitude into the Realm of Mediocrity.

I did fuck up once though- I was gonna use my sweep instead of the 3 in rotation (which, at one per 10 minutes, were getting old really fast). I went to activate the VoxPro channel on the board in preparation, but apparently it automatically plays the active clip when you "go live" on that channel. Fortunately the race was about to go to ads anyway, so all that was missed were a few words of filler- no race action was cut off. In college I had to do everything manually, so this auto-everything is still new to me.

Kat, if you're reading this, I promise if I ever get any pictures of sexy rawk chicks while on duty, I'll send you copies.

---END OF LINE---

"I am sorry, but all questions must be submitted in writing."

2 minutes' worth of confusion, followed by elation.

2004-03-08T00:24:00.000-08:00

I am a fucking moron. I need some sleep, too.

No, this isn't the column on Howard Stern, but it can wait a few hours.

I went to the Wildhearts' site to check things out and noticed they added some tour dates.

"Cool," I thought. "Wonder if any of them are U.S. dates like previously mentioned."

Fuck me, there are some. See this?

"22/03/04: Atlanta, GA @ E.A.R.L (co-headlining w/ The Dragons)"

I have family in Atlanta- my cousin near there would probably go with me to see them, too. That's exactly two weeks from now. Naturally, I just freaked out. I can't go on such short notice! I silently said "fuck fuck fuck FUCK" in my head, over and over, so as not to disturb anyone- if I had said it aloud I'd have woken the neighborhood.

Then I went back to look so I could confirm it for this entry, and a wave of relief came over me because I saw this date:

"08/04/04: Atlanta, GA @ Cotton Club (supporting The Darkness)"

This I can do. I have plenty of time to plan for it. As an added bonus, I will be able to confirm that The Darkness really does suck, or allow them to shatter my preconceived notions that they are nothing more than a silly Queen parody.

Fuck yeah, I have to go. Maybe if I'm lucky I can convince the station to buy a few tickets to give away....I mean, they are playing "I Believe in a Thing Called Love" right now, aren't they?

---END OF LINE---

"I am sorry, but all questions must be submitted in writing."

A Correction....

2004-03-07T23:44:00.000-08:00

"Is the micro- could you turn it up a little? Can you hear me?"

"Good. In a previous post, dated March 1st, 2004, I stated the following regarding the renaming of this blog:

"'...the only other blog that even uses this phrase? Right here, and she has not indicated that she even listens to the band in question.'

"I have received a statement from Kat, proprietor of the aforementioned blog.

"'yes, I do....listen to COC. And that's not only a great song, but an excellent blog title.'

"The management would like to apologize for its misstatement. We regret the error.

"We now return you to the regularly scheduled schlockfest. Thank you."

OK, I felt a sudden urge to write in a mock press conference style. Humor me for once.

Dirtyfez.com's owner wrote back to me to say in fact she does listen to Corrosion of Conformity and that she really likes the song and the idea of using the title as my blog's nom de- ah, fuck it, the only French I learned was from film studies classes.

That's cool- not only did she find out I got the idea from her, she wasn't upset about it and she even gave me a vote of approval. Maybe this means counting out my readership will soon require both hands....or she might've just been annoyed that I presumed she didn't like COC.

I think it's cool as hell that she likes COC. Frankly she's the first woman (my prog-metal loving sister included) that has ever told me that. Out of women I've met or known, those that like metal or hard rock either play it or follow the bands with the guys they think are the cutest.

I really, really need to move someplace where hip young sophisticates live. Of course, finding a permanent job and going out more might help too. Hooray for the local convention business, broken computers, and their naive users.

If I can find the inspiration, the next column will deal with why Howard Stern's impending doom is a bad thing for America. No, it is not because it will deprive listeners the chance to hear porn stars say words other than "yes" and "fuck me." I'm actually kinda serious here.

---END OF LINE---

"I am sorry, but all questions and correction requests must be submitted in writing."

That's just it- I need a title....

2004-03-01T21:44:00.000-08:00

After about fifty searches on Google, I have come to realize a few things:

1) "Black Dahlia" shows up a lot in Google searches, but mostly in reference to a murder case, a novel, and then finally the Anthrax lyrics I stole the title from.

2) A lot of porn turns up for that phrase, which means a lot of porn turns up for just about anything....

3) This blog needs a new title.

4) Google either takes time to crawl or they rejected my blog. Even though ads for their engine pop up on this damned thing. Note that the above search should reveal this page, and it reveals nothing. Don't make me switch to AltaVista, damn it....

5) Did I mention I need a new fucking title?

Anyway, I am going to experiment for a bit with titles....fuck experimentation, let's just change it now. Hey, here we go- just choose another song title and voila! New blog title! And the only other blog that even uses this phrase? Right here, and she has not indicated that she even listens to the band in question. This will do, until I get bored again, heh heh heh....

Update yer links, all four of ya!

---END OF LINE---

"I am sorry, but all questions must be submitted in writing."

Fontage....

2004-02-29T20:03:00.000-08:00

Download Mighty Zeo 2.0 from Blambot, now! Why? Because it's the font I use for my titles, slappy! Why else would I ask?

OK, maybe it's because I'm hoping to get the guy some more traffic (and maybe some business). His stuff is really cool, too- and if you're an amateur comic book publisher/artist, you can use them free in your comics- even if you charge money for 'em.

I will buy some of his commercial fonts one day, when I am actually making enough money to live on....but until then, his freebies are free for personal use. I make no money and no friends off this trash column blog, so I don't see how he could be upset with me, heh heh.

At some point I might convince the station to buy a font or two as well.

Click here to get it. Look for the phrase "Biker Nuns from Mars party down."

Why the pluggage? Hey, I gotta get used to being a media whore anyway, right?

---END OF LINE---

"I am sorry, but all questions must be submitted in writing."

A candle for Layne Staley.

2004-02-25T13:28:00.000-08:00

I have to add some reasoning to why I bear a grudge against John Norris.

"But MTV sucks anyway, 'render! Anyone with even an ounce of real coolness knows that!"

(checks coolness) Whew, after that last post, I am lucky- I still have about two ounces of real coolness left. Maybe so, but there's a bunch of clueless kids and young adults that believe everything MTV tells them. In this case, John Norris didn't report the news, he tarnished a band's career and made a mockery of its late lead singer.

I still loathe that bastard Norris for his 'obituary' for Layne Staley of Alice in Chains in 2002. Staley wasn't found until a week after he had died of an overdose- a nice lethal cocktail of cocaine and heroin, exactly 8 years after Kurt Cobain's suicide. Instead of pointing out how Alice in Chains had influenced almost every one of these nü-metal bands that MTV's been force-feeding us, and how so many bands copied Staley and guitarist Jerry Cantrell's eerie vocal harmonies, John Norris did something that shows how stupid he really is, or at least shows how much he cares about anyone but the current crop of 'vidiots' that watch MTV constantly.

Norris defined AIC's career mainly in terms of record sales. Never mind that Facelift was a critical album in bridging the gap between the metalheads and the grunge set. Oh, and their later releases gave us great songs like "I Stay Away" and "Heaven Beside You." Never mind that Staley was a huge vocal influence on a lot of people, most notably Godsmack but you can't tell me Scott Stapp of Creed doesn't borrow from Staley and Eddie Vedder generously. No, Norris went on about their 1992 smash album Dirt and how "the band never enjoyed the level of success they did with that album."

Sure John, right....Look it up right here, on the RIAA's site. Not a success? Yeah, Dirt went quadruple platinum. But look elsewhere: the Sap EP went gold. Facelift went double platinum. Jar of Flies went double platinum AND it was the first EP to debut at #1 on the album sales charts. The self-titled album went double platinum. The Unplugged album went platinum (when the fuck did I miss that? Yet another one to add to the list). Oh yeah, John, they went nowhere after Dirt. Dumbass.

Why is Norris still on MTV? So we can make fun of his hairpiece/weave/whatever that dead thing is on his head? Everyone knows the only person older than 30 allowed to be on the air at MTV these days is Kurt Loder. Loder still takes his job seriously even as the rest of the network degenerates further into a joke (Spider-Man and other fun animated shows notwithstanding). Kurt's the man. Give me a music video network with actual videos, Kurt doing the news, and the occasional animated short like the ones from Liquid Television and I'll be- well, I won't be totally happy but at least it'll be closer to the MTV I remember. Norris is just a wanker. I'll even be nice and say 'don't fire him,' but do us one little favor and get him off the screen, OK?

So those of you who still obsess over Kurt Cobain's death, if you're going to light a candle for him, light a second one for Layne. I still wonder what would've happened if he had cleaned up and rejoined the band, but at least Alice in Chains left us wanting more.

For a nice summary of Alice in Chains' career (one that is more respectful than MTV's), click here.

---END OF LINE---

"I am sorry, but all questions must be submitted in writing."

Confessions of a closet white-bread rapper....

2004-02-25T10:44:00.000-08:00

Had another successful remote, met a cute NFL cheerleader (won't say what team- then you'll be able to figure out where I am exactly- not right now, folks), blah, blah, blah. Some stuff that happened (in case you care):

The cheerleader wasn't dumb at all, nor was she a vain, self-centered bitch like your average high-school cheerleader. She was actually very nice, smart (she's a teacher), and kinda shy, at least compared to the stereotypical garrulous cheerleader. Beauty is all well and good, but looks and brains are a wonderful thing. Thankfully, I knew I had no chance in hell.
The DJ told me he's never heard someone talk as much as I did. Gee, sorry dude- God forbid I want to show enthusiasm about my fucking job. I also have no remote this week- coincidence? I think not.
My remote and one of the company's other stations' remotes ran at the same time. Normally this isn't an issue but a quirk with the broadcasting units meant we had some problems and had to time our spots. Running both remote units at the same time would have been a bad thing. Didn't help that the DJ at our station decided to push the schedule back a bit- the other group had to do a spot on the phone. The other tech was a newbie in extremis too. It went OK all things considered.
The newbie is gay....not that there's anything wrong with that, mind you. Side note: you know a TV show has made an impact when lines from it have become part of the national or even international lexicon of slang (c.f. Simpson, Homer: "D'oh!"). Anyway, I really don't give a damn either way as long as he doesn't hit on me or anything.
His friend is this little white girl who wants to be a rapper. Granted, I have yet to hear any of her material, but I am guessing she's not a female Eminem or anything interesting like that. White skin + no unique qualities + less-than-mind-blowing rhyming capabilities (basing this on her speech patterns) + no gimmick + no look + rap recordings = NO record sales. I am no expert, but even I know this. I gave up my hip-hop dreams at age 13.

What? You wanted to rap, Fleshrender? YOU?!?

Yes, that is my secret shame- well, I'm not fully ashamed of it. Back then rap was doing all sorts of new and interesting things- exposing life in the "bad part of town," calling for justice for people who had none, doing fun new tricks with old records and looping machines, and generally doing something new. IMHO, rap is the second to last great musical movement in recording history, with the grunge/"Seattle" movement being the last.

It was new, and it could make me angry, make me laugh, make me want to dance (even though I can't dance- it made me want to try). Rap sparked something in me.

As a child break-dancing was one of the coolest things around. Everyone's parents seemed OK with it as long as we avoided two maneuvers: the headspin (for obvious reasons) and the windmill (which none of us could do anyway). Other than that we were King-Tut-ing, backspinning, and centipeding (somehow the name changed to the Worm along the way) as well as 3rd graders could do. As a little kid I wrote what I thought was the closest thing a suburbanite white kid could do to emulate guys like Run-DMC. I think my mother still has it somewhere- if I ever stumble into fame it'll be something to auction for charity someday....

Fast-forward to middle school. A friend of mine wrote a little rhyme about this obnoxious fat kid we knew. In retrospect it was kinda harsh, but on the other hand he wasn't some innocent martyr for fat kids everywhere. Rather than debate on the chicken-and-egg issue of his weight (i.e. did he overcompensate for the teasing by being a brusque jerk, or was he a jerk first, and people not liking his jerkiness led him to overeat), I'll get to what mattered- I liked it.

It was mean, yes, but it was a bit clever. So I wrote another verse of it- my friend approved. I thought "hey, maybe I am good at this" and wrote a few more songs which, when I hit high school, I deleted in shame. Other than the original "Big J Rap," they were really bad. Really, really bad. To put it in terms that Top 40 pop-lovers would understand, they were "Simon Cowell leaves the audition room in disbelief" bad.

When I got to high school I decided I would stick to listening. Rap was not the only thing I liked though- I started getting back to my rock roots thanks to my metal-loving cousins, Def Leppard on the radio, and MTV back when they played videos. Yes, kids, at one point MTV was actually somewhat cool, with Headbanger's Ball, Fab 5 Freddy....hell, at one point I thought I would be the next Adam Curry (minus the hair....that floofy hair-band hair....yeesh). Not as cool as Rikki Rachtman was back then but cooler than that dork John Norris.

Finally about 1993 I realized something: why should I listen to rap? I'm not black, I'm not from the 'hood, I'm from a middle class family, I've never been shot, shot at, or in the immediate vicinity of shots fired (not counting a firing range). How can I really understand this stuff? How in the hell could I possibly relate? So I got into the grunge scene and started going back to the music that influenced them.

And no, I never got on the Neil Young "Godfather of Grunge" bandwagon, even if his group jam performance of "Keep On Rockin' in the Free World" at the MTV Music Awards was really damn cool. I do know the basic songs like "Cinnamon Girl," "Ohio," "This Note's For You," (funny video, that one), and of course, the always-caustic "Southern Man." My parents had a vinyl copy of Harvest but I was more interested in Machine Head and the Blues Brothers soundtrack at that point.

So I started rocking again. I acknowledged that Dr. Dre and Snoop Dogg were putting out some sweet party tunes, laced with gangsta glamorization. I listened to it every so often but didn't buy anything. When I got to college my buddy Steve showed me some more stuff, including stuff I hadn't heard before- underground stuff. It was pretty good. If it weren't for him I would never have known that the earliest rap/rock collaborations were the sole property of Run-DMC. Not so. Granted, theirs were the best until Anthrax's take on "Bring the Noise" came along, but Anthrax did a song with UTFO called "Lethal." As for the song itself, it wasn't great, but it still beat the hell out of anything Limp Bizkit's ever done.

Nowadays, rap just bores me for the most part. Clever lyrics are fewer and further between, and the old themes of "money and hoes" are still way too common. Fortunately there seems to be a trend back towards the clear enunciation that made guys like Run so fun to listen to, Li'l Jon's growling notwithstanding. I have to admit though, there's a guy who needs to collaborate with a nü-metal band. I'd like to hear him on a Korn track- he and Jonathan could trade growls. Could be fun.

The sad thing is if I had really pursued rap as a genre, who knows? I might've ended up an Eminem copycat or a Fred Durst wannabe. Thankfully I found salvation from that level of poseurdom in the form of Brother Cane, Judas Priest, Black Sabbath, Living Colour, Alice in Chains, and many more. I was able to indulge in a bit of hip-hop sensibility with the Infectious Grooves, and that was enough for me.

Rap is starting to diversify again. White-bread America needs to realize it's not going to go away. Rock 'n' roll didn't go away, either. I wish it wasn't so blatant with its nepotism (how many collaborations does one need on a single CD?). But if more groups with lyrics beyond cash and chicks can get some airplay, maybe the Top 40 stations will play more rap songs that are about something else. The Black-Eyed Peas' current single asks "where is the love?" Hopefully there's more on the way for any rappers who are concerned about other things besides money and sluts.

---END OF LINE---

"I am sorry, but all questions must be submitted in writing."

Everyone's a ripoff artist- and very few are even good at that.

2004-02-14T15:18:00.000-08:00

One more thing- I heard a song recently by a group called V Shape Mind called "Monsters."

These guys owe Prong big time. If not royalties, they need to offer their sisters or first-born daughters for sexual favors. Yes, even when the guys from Prong are old and grey, the 18-year-old daughters of V Shape Mind should be right there waiting to satisfy. "Fuck, Fleshrender, that's disgusting." Yeah, it is disgusting, but only slightly more disgusting than the amount of shameless ripping off this song does.

Here's a synopsis. Imagine taking Prong's classic "Prove You Wrong," but the guitar parts are have more mindless thrashing about in between the drum-and-vocals segments. Take out Prong's vocalist and replace him with that little bitch from the Vines. Now add in some heavy-handed, unsubtle lyrics that pretend to be subtle like this little gem:

"On my beach I kick up metaphoric sand
I flush the toilet of weakness with mushroom clouds in hand"

Yeah, some metal lyrics were that cheesy too- but at least they weren't so clumsy. They flowed right into the music. This barely fits in with the rhythm, and when he sings it there's nothing but drums behind him! How in the blue hell do you fuck that up? And no true rocker says anything about "having someone's back." OK, maybe they can say it off-stage, but not in the music. Ever.

Hmm. Found an interview with them. Guess what? The lead singer's related to one of the guys from Mudvayne. What a shock. I am amazed the guy that produced Tool signed them though....guess I'll never truly get this business no matter how much I learn.

---END OF LINE---

"I am sorry, but all questions must be submitted in writing."

The first assignments in my media slave job.

2004-02-14T14:45:00.000-08:00

So I did both a remote and a board op last night.

The remote had some problems. I forgot the large banners. I got there with just enough time to set up, but then realized I grabbed the cellphone broadcast box and not the regular mike-based box. Fortunately, the remote was at a Sprint store and the DJ used his Sprint phone to do it, so it worked out OK (dare I speculate it might have been a good thing?). The station has PT Cruisers for promo vehicles, so I finally got to drive one of those. Handles nice but it's a bit cramped for my 6'2" ass...

The board op went swimmingly. I hit everything I had to hit and even managed to help keep the air from being dead due to the event running long. It was a Nascar truck race (snore). There was a crash involving about a dozen racers so the whole thing ran over about half an hour. Still, I now know the basics of board op on a modern system. In college, we had manual everything- though manual cut and splice might still be useful somewhere, I do not miss doing that at all.

Even though the talent at this station seem a tad more spoiled than where I was before, everyone seems to be really decent. At worst, they don't belittle you unless you screw up, heh heh.

The Broken Hearts' Ball is tonight, and it should be fun. It's an event for people who don't have someone to spend time with for this Valentine's Day (like me). I get the feeling it's gonna be a sausage-fest though....what a shame.

Is it just me, or does every other fucking blogger out there think he or she is some kind of goddamned political pundit? Hey, I have my opinions on politics, and I know they shine through here sometimes. Doesn't mean I'm going to pretend to know everything about the subject. I stick mainly to media-based commentary because I actually have a fucking clue about it. I've been a close observer and on the inside (even though I had no stroke). I'm not some ignorant fanboy that completely ignores the music business.

Maybe I do dream of a future where CDs cost no more than 10 to 12 dollars, where bands make money based on their talent and not on the strength of the hype machine backing them, and where wastes of radio waves like 50 Cent are cut in favor of genuine talents like Jill Scott. I am amazed Jill got a record deal- she's talented, doesn't have a "look," and doesn't sound just like every other R&B singer out there. How on earth did any label see her as potential income with the current trends in music? For every one of her there are a hundred Ashanti and Beyonce wanna-bes with major-label deals.

I can sum up my feelings on the prior American Idol seasons as follows- Clay and Ruben are rather dull. Blame the labels for giving them dreck to sing. I would much rather hear Clay do something daring like sing Meat Loaf's "I Would Do Anything For Love (But I Won't Do That)" than that ridiculous song "Invisible." Justin is a competent, unexciting singer. End of story. Kelly Clarkson needs to stop trying to trill and slide like everyone else and be her own damn self- the ridiculous "Miss Independent" isn't helping any. Those lyrics are God-awful, even for pop music. I didn't even bother watching the casting specials this time, which are by and large the most entertaining part due to the car-wreck nature of the bad singers. As shot as my voice is, I am better than any of the bad people they've ever shown.

Of course, I work in a business that is a big part of the hype machine, so who am I to complain?

---END OF LINE---

"I am sorry, but all questions must be submitted in writing."

My return to media whoredom....

2004-02-12T13:56:00.000-08:00

"What? Return to media whoredom? You're a media whore, Unca Fleshy? A sellout?"

Yeah. I'm a media whore. I just signed on to be a remote tech again for a smaller, independent broadcasting group.

I will get to why in a minute. First, to go over the advantages and disadvantages of working for this small town station versus the medium-sized city station where I worked previously.

Disadvantages:

No more "big gigs," like concerts and stuff. What this really means is no more getting to work with celebrities. No autographs, no photo ops.
Smaller town means fewer radio groupies. It also means even fewer of quality.
The pay rate is very low, especially considering the hour-plus drive I have to make to get to the station. It'll cover my gas and maybe a couple of burritos from Toxic Hell.
Keeping my availability high for this position could complicate the hunt for a day job. The more stuff you do, the more likely you are to be able to move to a full-time job with them.
Once I get my car fixed, gas is still gonna cost a ton for this thing.

Advantages:

More than half the celebrities you work with are either not in your musical taste, are total assholes, or both. I won't miss having to pretend to be nice to boy bands and other fruits; I am still thankful I never had to deal with that Michael Fredo guy that Tommy Hilfiger was hyping years ago.
Smaller town means more diehard fans, the kind that are so thankful that your station is there to break up the monotony of their humdrum jobs.
The pay rate is low for this type of job at any station, but this one is cool because the further I go the more I get. If I have to cross the state line I will get about double the base rate. I need to cut down on my junk food anyway.
Smaller group means more camaraderie which means more opportunities for résumé-building experience. Assuming I don't fuck it up, I am looking at my first semi-regular board op gig- and I just started on Tuesday!
I'll still get free food and cheap beer; I'll just have a longer drive home after sobering up.
It's not a ClearChannel station, which means there aren't 100 other stations across the country with the same damned playlist and those cheap-ass "nationwide caller" contests. I don't care how big a prize is, giving it to one person out of millions is even cheesier than the giveaway concept in general. It's like a lottery, except the prizes aren't quite as big and your odds are slightly better.
The ClearChannel thing deserves two mentions. Just because. Conglomerates like them have made radio more homogeneous than ever. I don't give a damn how many stations play them, Savage Garden still sucks, even among Top 40 fluffballs. They're the Air Supply (shudder) of the New Millennium and 5 billion spins won't convince me otherwise.

OK, back to why this job is media whoredom, and why I'm sinking to that level. I'm working for a company that owns stations in the Adult Contemporary, Rock, and (gasp) Country formats. Adult Contemporary is a nice way of saying "pop music, minus the rap and worst teenybopper stuff, with some old pop from the 80's thrown in for good measure." The rock station is a mix of everything from Pink Floyd and Black Sabbath to these new punk-pop bands. With regards to Country, the less that is said, the better. So the bulk of the tunes these stations play is crap I don't like, which means I am putting my musical integrity second to my career advancement.

I don't approve of the way radio is less varied than ever. A memo to the ClearChannel execs who claim there is more variety than ever in radio: I don't care if the artists are somewhat more varied in sound, the fact is the exact same playlists are used for every station of a given format all across the country. Overplaying the hell out of Whisper-Boy, um, I mean David Gray does not mean you have "bigger variety," especially when you're still bombarding us with junk like Britney Spears and Third Eye Blind. I think I've mentioned this before, but I feel like saying it again anyway- Stephan Jenkins can't fucking sing. He's the pop-rock P.Diddy- he wants to be a star, but he should shut his trap and keep his ass behind the scenes where he can actually be productive. I admit he has a knack for Beatles-influenced pop-rock guitar riffs, but he should stick to that and stop strangling that cat on stage, er, I mean singing. But I digress....

I'm working with music I hate just to further my career. I am working as a flunky to a business that has all but destroyed quality and real variety in music. That's the epitome of selling out.

Why am I doing it, then? First off, it's the easiest way to get your foot in the door of the entertainment biz. There are radio stations everywhere, so you don't have to move to New York or L.A. to be in broadcasting- at the very least, you can save those moves for if and when you hit the big time. OK, that's not true- odds are good that you'll end up switching stations several times in your career, but you won't have to move just to get started. Secondly, I have 3 possible paths for my career at this point: one would be to get on-air and eventually have a syndicated show featuring real rock music. The second would involve me selling out even further and getting some voiceover work, compiling a demo, and breaking into voicing cartoon characters. If I could voice even one memorable character before I die I'd be happy. The third would, of course, be the "fight the system from within" approach: operating my own radio station. I'd do my best to maintain the delicate balance between independent/anti-corporate music and profitability. I imagine I will probably be asking the manager at Lightning 100 for some advice since they are one of the few truly independent commercial stations I've ever heard. Check them out for yourself, especially if you like singer/songwriter types. Note to Lightning's top brass- if you ever bring back your Thunder format to one of your other stations, I'll do a shift for pizza. I'll do a shift for a couple of cans of caffienated soda to keep me going. I'll do one for free.

For the record, I only dated one girl I met through being with the station, and I wasn't even working that night....though I do remember getting a few more phone numbers. There's another reason I use the term "whore," heh heh.

If you really want to get into the business without being a full-bore sellout, start your own fanzine. Go to as many shows as possible, get as many interviews and as much dirt as you can. Send free issues to magazines and newspapers all over the country. Keep yourself in "the scene" and you might end up being a respected part of it. If you get popular enough you might very well be able to be a big time critic/music journalist/music writer type AND you might even be able to bend most of the terms of your writing contracts in your favor. Maybe. With a lot of luck and even more effort, you might end up being another Cameron Crowe.

To prove that doing any radio job, even one as low-ranking as remote tech, makes you a media whore, I'll be an asshole and do some name-dropping. These are just my impressions based on meeting these musicians; I'm not pretending I know them personally.

I am not a huge Melissa Etheridge fan, but she was very nice to me. She told me if she weren't a musician she'd probably be a DJ somewhere, just like I wanted to be at the time. She's a sweetheart so if you don't like her, fuck off.

Mandy Moore was also very nice- a girls' choir was going to perform with Meredith Brooks at this festival-type show I was working. Every one of them that wanted Mandy's autograph or a picture with her got one. Granted, at this point she was a relative newcomer, but she could've copped an attitude anyway.

Speaking of Meredith Brooks, while a bit more road-worn than she looks on TV, is still pretty good looking. She is also a fine example of someone who never let success go to her head- she sat with the choir and us and talked about show business and some of the pitfalls to avoid. Ms. Brooks is still heavily involved with music-based arts organizations, and really means it when she says "I'm lucky to have been as successful as I have been." One musician I would definitely want to meet again in the future.

Vanilla Ice is surprisingly approachable. He spent about half an hour talking to fans after his show. He's not an egotistical poseur anymore- who else these days has the decency and the balls to let local wanna-be rappers get up on stage and freestyle with him? He's just a white dude who raps and rides jetskis. Plus he's one guy who has the right to tear into Fred Durst more than any of us, since Durst basically copped his act and added modern rap fashion sense (and that stupid red cap) to it. Eminem owes him too.

Leigh from Sixpence None The Richer is as nice as she seems on TV.

I will stop after one more double example, but to give you an example of someone who isn't exactly fan-friendly: there was a big festival show, and all of the acts did their requisite time in the autograph tent. Everlast wouldn't show at the tent. Our promotions director offered to let him just sign only, with no pictures. He said no. Then she asked him if they could bring some shirts backstage for him to sign, so the fans could get something and he wouldn't have to be bothered by them. He still said no. What an ego. Autographs and pictures are part of the business- deal with it.

On the other hand, Marvelous 3 not only signed autographs at the main show, they also played the afterparty (well, they did blow the amps and set the whole show schedule back an hour and a half) AND went out and mingled with the crowd after that. They didn't have to make it up to people by doing the afterparty. They could've just written it off as a freak of nature (or a Freak of the Week, I suppose) and cut and run. Really cool guys, Butch especially. Too bad they broke up, but at least they left the fans begging for more a la Soundgarden and didn't slide into mediocrity *cough*Pink Floyd*cough*.

If I ever form a band and manage to get some fans, I am taking a cue from Metallica back in the old days- everyone who wants an autograph gets one. Everyone who wants a picture gets one (though I can't promise my eyes will stay open if they take too long to snap it at 4 a.m.). End of story.

I'll let all four of you know how the remote and board op went after they're done tomorrow. Remember, just because you work with it doesn't mean you have to like it.

I'll have a round of "why the latest teeny-boppers are even worst that Britney and her ilk" in the near future.

---END OF LINE---

"I am sorry, but all questions must be submitted in writing."

Janet won, you stupid fucking prudes....

2004-02-09T20:31:00.000-08:00

OK, I let the Super Bowl run in the background while on my computer that Sunday. I didn't really watch because even most of the commercials were bland. Super Bowls tend to be one-sided trouncings anyway.

Boy was I dumb to do that, for two reasons:

The Super Bowl was one of the closest in recent history. Damn, I am not big on pro sports anymore (why is for another entry) but I do like watching a good, white-knuckle game every so often.
Justin Timberlake (why, WHY do I have to even know who he is, much less pay any attention to his 'blackest white boy in the world' ass?) tore Janet Jackson's outfit during the halftime show and showed us some boobie.

I think it's pretty sad the way people are making such a fuss over it. Is everyone so surprised that Janet Jackson's got boobs under there just like other women? Her plan worked to perfection- she's got tons of attention now.

She denies everything though- she's even suing the manufacturer of that outfit for defamation. What a joke.

Let's see why this stunt was 100% intentional:

First and most obvious- she was wearing a nipple shield. Why in the hell does anyone wear one unless they want it to be seen? She wasn't wearing a sheer or semi-sheer top, either, or even one that would let you see the outline of it.
Second, as Entertainment Weekly pointed out, Justin was singing an appropriately sleazy line just before he helped Janet flash the world.
Janet is 37 years old. She's losing fans to younger "talent" (and I use that term ever-so-loosely). She needed some way to get attention. EW also pointed this out, but anyone who knows anything about pop culture can put two and two together. Noo....we haven't seen this one before, have we? Diana Ross feeling Li'l Kim's breast? Madonna forcing her tongue down the throats of Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera? No, those were completely different.....
Did I mention Janet's new CD isn't doing as well as she or her label had hoped right now? Hell, I did, but it deserves two mentions, so there.
If she was really going to get attention from the media, she had to one-up everyone.

The MTV Music Awards are known for such depravity (Marilyn Manson's ass-baring performance of "The Beautiful People" is a good example- funny as hell, too). Yeah, Sinead O'Connor tore a picture of the Pope apart on Saturday Night Live, but all that did was wreck her own career in the end- besides, Catholics aren't as vocal as Bible-thumping Protestants are about not-really-all-that-important stuff like this anyway. They'll voice their discontent, sure, but they are less likely to have CD-smashing demonstrations. Ozzy's dove-biting can be written off as the act of a drug-addled brain, and the bat incident was completely unintentional. Britney's python act? Big whoop- if it had been anyone else no one would've batted an eye.

Then there's the biggest one in recent history- the fallout over the Dixie Chicks' comments about Dubya. I think even Janet knows what is 'too far' and probably thought "y'know, maybe I should just stick to pushing people's buttons about sex- I want attention, not death threats."

Besides, all of those incidents happened in circumstances where a more grown-up audience was the norm. Anyone who saw those was not nearly as surprised because "they can get away with that" on MTV, or late at night, or at a concert. Janet pulled a heck of a coup here, not because of the action but because of the venue. The Super Bowl is supposed to be "family-friendly" and a safe event for kids to watch. Now parents are up in arms over a bit of tit.

What is funny to me is that during the broadcast, there were ads for erectile dysfunction medication, rapper Nelly grabbing his crotch, Kid Rock talking about sleeping with everyone else's wives, cheerleaders doing their usual "look at our asses" thing they do, Jay-Z and P. Diddy had near-naked stripper-like girls all over the stage during their performance, and a commercial aired where a horse farts in a woman's face. There were plenty of opportune moments for parents to take offense at vulgar, crude, or "adult" content and turn the damned TV off. Why did they wait? They should've heard about it on the news the next day like I did if they had any damned clue about parenting.

Don't get me wrong- I like half-naked chicks doing splits right in front of me. But that's what strip clubs, porn, late-night Skinemax flicks, and E's Wild On... are for, isn't it? My alma mater never had cheerleaders- the women there were all too smart, self-respecting, and busy to ever do something as silly as cheerleading. Yes, those competitions with the big choreographed numbers take a lot of skill and athleticism, but most of the stuff you see during a game is just practice, practice, practice.

Oh, and for the record, Jules Asner is hotter than Brooke Burke. Sure, Brooke's got a heck of a bod on her, but Jules can talk without looking vapid on-camera. That new chick they got is worse than both of them though.

Back to the point. All those other tasteless things were no big deal, but show one naked breast and everyone in this country freaks out. The only difference between what Janet did and what the cheerleaders and stripper girls did was a few inches of clothing.

Meanwhile, in the rest of the world, everyone is wondering why Americans are making such a big deal about it. I imagine in most of Europe it is no big deal. Hell, Russia's got the stripping newscaster, right? Say what you will, but you have to admit reading stories like that and seductively removing clothing at the same time takes some sort of talent- at the least, it's certainly harder than the old 'pat your head and rub your stomach' bit.

Of course, in this country nudity on regular TV is a no-no, but murder and violence are all OK. Beating someone to death on NYPD Blue? Go for it. Showing a naked ass? Good God, call the FCC! There are a lot of shows where non-sexual nudity is a no-no but people simulating sex without showing any naughty bits is OK, too.

Then there's Wal-Mart, who censors the CDs they sell (some artists use dirty words and don't promote "family values"), then they sell games like Manhunt, where the object is to kill people in a most violent fashion and the main villain has a snuff fetish. Way to go you fucking hypocrites, you're really protecting the values of America's youth. They can gut someone crotch to neck in Manhunt, or murder everyone in a fast food joint in Grand Theft Auto 3, but at least they won't hear Eminem saying 'fuck' and 'shit.'

Censorship is no substitute for good parenting. End of story. You sick of what 'they' are getting away with on TV? Turn it the fuck off. One person I knew in college grew up without TV. She was clueless when it came to pop-culture jokes- yeah, she spent all that time learning such silly things as foreign languages. She spoke at least 3 upon arrival to school.

And people in this country wonder why the rest of the world thinks we're arrogant morons? Gee, I dunno, because by and large we are? There is a woman living in Tennessee who is suing CBS, MTV, Janet Jackson, and the NFL over the boob-flashing incident. Luckily, this type of lawsuit always gets thrown out of court. I think it's even more vulgar to waste my fucking taxpayer dollars suing over something that is more or less harmless (is anyone going to care in a month?) than it is to show a naked breast on TV.

Still, one good thing will likely come of this, as one 411 columnist put it, "at least now we can be sure this is the last halftime show MTV ever produces." Amen to that.

In conclusion, it should be this way: If the show is to be 'kept clean,' apply the same standards to everyone, not just certain people. No more Levitra or Viagra ads. No more slutty "dancers." No more close-ups of swearing players mouthing "fuck" or "motherfucker" anymore, either. No more poop and fart jokes. If not, at least warn people of potentially mature content. That way no one can bitch about this shit anymore. Either way will cover their asses.

There's a time and a place for everything, and I have to admit, the prudes are right in one sense. If I watch the Super Bowl, I want to see players playing, fans watching, and commentators doing their schtick. If I want to see some ass, I'll flip over to Showtime or go find some porn or something (and eventually I will do an entry about porn and such).

Parents still need to learn to stop letting the TV/video game console/computer babysit their kids. If parents do what they are supposed to do, the kids will behave better and if something like this happens it'll be easier to deal with. Even now, millions of parents are missing the opportunity to turn such a negative (overblown negative, in my view) into a positive. Besides, odds are good a kid too young to know what to think of the incident probably didn't even see it anyway. How many kids these days have the attention span to sit through a Janet Jackson performance when they are barely able to last through a Britney Spears routine?

Anyone who knows me would realize what I was going to do this- as usual, everyone takes some of the blame. I just take less because I turned the TV off before the halftime show started.

---END OF LINE---

"I am sorry, but all questions must be submitted in writing."

Job searching and more....

2004-02-09T17:44:00.001-08:00

Hmm....this could get even more interesting.

I have to kittyblog right now. My life really sucks right now. Why? I'll put it in convenient bullet points for everyone:

I have had three prospective employers put me on hold for the longer than expected. I was hoping to be working by now or at least rejected already, but instead I am being strung along.
No more interviews since then, either.
My dog Clyde has terminal cancer and probably won't survive to see 2005.
The Japan Exchange Teacher program rejected me. Ellen was right, damn it- they only want punk-ass fresh grads who speak fluent Japanese already for their ALT positions....those little bastards will probably see it as an entitlement and not a privilege, too.
I don't have enough money to even pay this month's bills.
I can't find enough work that will let me maintain a status quo. I can't even find work at a grocery store to tide me over.
My social life sucks even more than usual.
I hate my life even more than usual
I am starting to despise 99% of the people I ever knew in college- mainly because I can't think of anyone who's fucked up more than I have. And maybe two of them have bothered even trying to keep in touch with me. Those two are my real college friends. The rest of them, until they prove otherwise, can suck it. A "Hey man, how have you been?" email is all it takes.
My fucking car has a leak problem that will cost a minimum of 100-150 dollars to fix. Might be as much as $650-700. Money I don't have.

Among other things, I owe Shane a night of beers on me once I can afford it.

More on this, plus getting back on the music track again shortly- a special "Jesus, everyone else has said something about the Janet Jackson/Super Bowl thing, why him too?" edition.

---END OF LINE---

"I am sorry, but all questions must be submitted in writing."

The punk and metal thing....

2004-01-28T22:27:00.000-08:00

This music thing is still fun, so I'm gonna keep it going.

I'll be referring to the last letter in this column here.

I'm gonna pick both sides of this argument apart, because it's fun to do. If you prefer to skip to the end to hear my take on this whole punk vs. metal thing, go for it.

I am using this without permission, but I am using it in an editorial context (and in hopes of getting Queen Bee and Candy for Bad Children some more visits). If they really have such a problem with a little extra publicity, then they can click the linky below....Frankly, I don't think Queen Bee will give a rat's ass- that's why she's cool.

First, to Stu's letter:

Dear Queen Bee,

I have a question. Why are the vast majority of punk rockers so misguided? I am an avid Metalhead and I realize punk and metal are sisters in music but, damn. If I have to hear one more punk bitch about political nonsense he/she doesn't even have a clue about, I'm going to bust some skulls.

Hm. I think this is valid- I do hate it when a song is supposed to be about protesting something but it's not all that clear what it is. It's like the Billy Squier song "The Stroke." People think it's about masturbation. It's about politics, damn it. It's a metaphor for how politicians step over (and screw over) anyone and everyone to ascend to power. See for yourself, and stop being a nimrod. And yes, I think Billy Squier is underrated. Disagree? Bite me.

I don't mind punks or anyone else doing protest music. I'm a big Living Colour fan, after all. I don't like the idea of people doing protest music about shit they know nothing about....you don't hear me making music about, I dunno, injustice in Nigeria. Why? Because other than the fact that the 419 Scam originated there, I know next to nothing about the place.

Stu continues:

From what I can gather, punk music (as well as some metal) is largely based on extreme social reform, down with this, down with that, blah, blah, blah I hate corporate America, on with Anarchy.

And what, pray tell, is wrong with hating Corporate America? I don't hate all of Corporate America, just the fact that a lot of companies have forgotten the things that made them great to begin with. They start small, grow by doing things mostly the right way, then once they get past a certain size, the top brass start to think they are bulletproof. Then they do stupid, cruel, greedy, and selfish things that they said they would never do when they were a little startup in someone's garage. There are companies that haven't forgotten their roots and I have no problems with them.

Anarchy in the real world is purely "might makes right." People who think anarchy would be benevolent and beneficial just perplex me. Yes, the law and "the Man" can be unfair a lot of times, but at least I know that if someone commits a crime against me, I have some chance of getting justice. Benevolent anarchy is a pipe dream. It would be wonderful if it actually worked. Let's face it though, except in tiny little communities (like the "paradise" in that good-premise-but-killed-by-DiCaprio-overacting film The Beach), anarchy won't work. People are inherently evil and someone would always try to gain an advantage over everyone else. Hey, I hope the anarchists can find a little island paradise of their own....but they should be prepared for disappointment.

Let me digress and try to get back on track here. Stu?

I am all for personal opinion. I am NOT all for loud, in your face, ignorant, misinformed opinion; which it has been my experience that most punks are, they're just sad/disillusioned/frustrated/ignorant young people who interestingly enough "grow out of it."

Just because they become wiser in the ways of the world doesn't mean they "grow out of it." They simply temper their old black-and-white notions with a cold dose of reality. Of course, there are some that don't but that has zero to do with them being punk fans, dude.

This is another problem I have. If it's just a phase what is the point?!?! Grow up!!! Realize there is more to music than 3 fucking chords! Listen to some classical music once in awhile!

This is good. Really good. Stu is right- limiting yourself to one kind of music is stifling. "Stability breeds stagnation," I always say. If you never try anything new, your life will be dull, you'll never learn anything, and who knows- you might like it. Steeleraven is trying to get me to listen to more punk, and I am getting her to listen to more metal....it's a good thing on all counts. Even though she would probably punch me in the mouth for saying it, Brody from The Distillers is really fucking cute. It goes against what metal purists would believe, but I'm not a purist anyway (except when it comes to beer). In a sick, twisted, diabolical way, she is totally fucking adorable. But I digress....

Stop bitching about things you know nothing about (nearly anything involving the president or U.S. global policy)!!!! Don't talk to me about dropping out of high school and not going to college like it's a badge of honor because its just sad and I have to endure your shit because your an ignorant uneducated fuck whos going nowhere

OK, now I'm gonna break out my "snooty expensive college education" spectacles....

What's this about uneducated? I will forgive the dangling preposition, because I have no room to talk about that (and this is a letter, not a damned term paper). The same goes for the run-on sentences, because I abuse those too (not to mention parintheses like this and ellipses). There is less excuse for the misuse of "its." You are using the contraction of "it is," man. Don't forget the apostrophe. In the same vein, it is "you're," (not "your"), and "who's" (not "whos").

Don't call someone out for being uneducated and make the same goddamned grammatical error three times in one paragraph, OK, Stu? You're (not "your") making metal geeks like myself look stupid. I admit it, I had to double-check the spelling of "spectacles." Nobody's perfect. Would it kill you people to fucking proofread shit? I'm not demanding perfection, but shit, 3 typos in one short paragraph is too many.

I do agree, however, about the fact that dropping out is not a badge of honor. Skipping out on college is wasting an opportunity to fight all of the injustices that these people talk about so much. Plus, college parties are a unique experience not to be missed. A lot of real punks, had they had the chance to get a good education, probably would've taken it. Same with a lot of the hardcore metalheads. Fuck, that one dude from Bad Religion has a PhD!

and the only way you can vent your pathetic self hate is through your shitty punk music..... SHUT THE FUCK UP PUNKS I DON'T GIVE A DAMN!!!

What was that about maturity again? Fuck, Stu, I'm a metal-brother, man, but shit, don't take the low road like that. Kills the argument. Like every genre, there's punk bands that suck and punk bands that don't suck. There are also bands who aren't punk but claim to be so, and bands that aren't punk who don't claim to be so, but their idiot fans do (I'm talking to you, Blink 182 fans).

P.S. Queen Bee I don’t care if you put this on your site, I seriously doubt you will, but try and give me a legit answer so maybe you can explain to me realistically why punks do what they do. Thanks

And we end with the apologetic sympathy tug....she put it on the site, Stu, because she's going to use your frothing little note as evidence that we metalheads are all morons. Thankfully, Stu, I'm here to try and do some damage control.

The Queen Bee respondeth thusly:

Dear Funny Guy,

How dull my column would be without pissed of gems like yourself! Sounds like someone lit a huge explosion under your pants! That's okay! That's what I'm here for!

See there? No "why are you an ass," at least not to start with.

First off; I find it very impressive that you happen to know who the vast majority of punks are, seeing that punk rock has spanned the world over since the 1970's and has influenced other genres of music, style and other forms of expression! It takes personal experience to form an opinion!

Sure as shit it does, and I love the sarcasm there. Fucking love it, even if it's being used against a fellow 'eadbanger.

Many young people are frustrated and confused by the mis-information they are fed by the media and have a right to defy it! I found myself very digsruntled by the system after being institutionalized for 9 months when my only crime was being a shy, B-average 10 year old student!

Absolutely. I used to love the media- I loved seeing corrupt politicians and businessmen who thought they were beyond reproach get the egg in their faces they rightfully deserved. Somewhere along the line, too many journalists became more concerned with Pulitzers than proactive-ness. I fucking miss Walter Cronkite, Charles Kuralt, and David Brinkley. I wish I could've gotten to see more of Edward R. Murrow's work when it was current news. Now Jayson Blair is exposed for a fraud and instead of being sent into obscurity like he deserves, he gets a fucking half-million dollar book deal?

So fuck yeah, fight media bias. Never trust a single source for all of your news.

The only thing that got me through school was a lethal dose of Jesus and Jello Biafra! I got suspended 3 times and almost expelled the same year I got on the B-honor roll in high school! I don't need a fucking badge of honor. I've got scars to prove what I lived through.

"Jesus and Jello Biafra?" I really can't touch that one....the two seem so contradictory, but if it worked, it worked I suppose. Me, I was too much of a nerd to get into too much trouble (an hulking, brooding, scowling, muscular nerd, but a nerd nonetheless). I was obsessed with getting into a good college. I slacked off senior year, sure- but I never really made any negative waves. This is one reason why I will never claim to be "more metal" than a lot of metalheads. I manage to avoid trouble.

I've listened to all styles of music and quickly became bored with the endless guitar wanking, epic 3-chord drudgery and silly falsetto vocals of metal.

Sorry, Queenie....I love yer column but I have to disagree. If you are going to take Stu to task over not knowing enough about metal, don't do the same thing and lump every metal band into the same category, OK? You're right about hair metal- there is a lot of guitar wanking (we metal fans like to call it a "guitar solo"). Epic three-chord drudgery? Have you ever listened to a Motorhead record? That is anything but drudgery. What about Metallica? Megadeth? Anthrax? Pantera? More than 3 chords, I assure you.

Then there are the silly falsetto vocals. Yes, hair metal likes the silly falsetto vocals. The examples I've already mentioned don't really have that vocal style (well, excepting Joey Belladonna, but it was half-parody when he did it anyway).

I'm not saying you have to like metal, but don't make fun of Stu's lack of punk knowledge when you have demonstrated you only know one style of metal. Yes, it takes a certain amount of shamelessness to like cock-rock. But fuck, there's more to metal than that.

And _no one_ has truly listened to "all styles of music." Granted, you seem to be saying that you have listened to a wide variety of music (which I don't doubt). There was even a guy who came to my college to speak once that recorded music from remote parts of the world. He has a huge library of music that might have been forgotten had he not recorded it. We're talking about him recording a tribe's ceremonial music one night, going back to camp, and returning the next day to find the entire tribe wiped out. If he hadn't gotten it on tape, it would've been lost to the ages. You've given a lot of styles of music a listen- as I mentioned before, this is admirable. It is also the one point where you agree with Stu. Don't lay claim to something that is well nigh impossible, though.

Queen Bee goes on....

Have you ever heard the classical pianist that plays nothing but Dead Kennedy covers? Where were you when all the other mullets crossed over to punk, anyway?

I have not heard of that pianist (it sounds interesting though, so I'll have to look into it). Have you heard of the four cellists who do nothing but Metallica covers?

In my case, I never had a mullet to begin with. In Stu's case- well, fuck if I know, maybe he never had one either. As far as where we went, I can't speak for him, but I know where I went. In addition to exploring more of the earlier metal bands to go along with the solo Ozzy and Pantera, I got into grunge to a degree too. Granted, most of the alt-rock/grunge bands I liked had metal-like or metal-inspired riffage (I love the crunchy guitars), but I expanded my horizons and tried something new. I liked some of it- a lot. Gruntruck is one of my favorite bands from that era, and sadly I never got to see them live. However, I was equally into the progenitors of metal, like Black Sabbath, Judas Priest, and Deep Purple. Having a metal guitarist cousin didn't hurt.

When I was younger, I was more ignorant, and I thought punk was like metal without the musicianship....I have grown up a little and realize there is more to it than that.

Besides that, I don't believe in being a purist of any sort! That's the kind of close-minded thinking that turns you into a hypocrite and gets you into trouble with yourself!

I think I've given enough evidence that I am not a purist. I just don't think it's totally fair to point out how narrow-minded Stu is when you've generalized his favorite genre as much as he did yours.

All politics are nonsense to me and anyone that believes everything they see on television deserves to be offended!

I'm sorry if you don't understand politics, and the comment about TV, while true, adds nothing to your case. Sorry....

Give the young-uns a fucking break! They're still trying to find their place in the world! If it wasn't for their energy and tenacity, this world would stand still and you old jaded farts would be fucked!

I used to think I was jaded....but I'm far too fucking pissed off to be jaded now. I try not to be too harsh with the kiddies for liking the stuff they like, but I can't stand it when they act like little know-it-all shits when it comes to whatever music they like. This applies to punk kids, metal kids, rap kids- any of them. It saddens me to see kids all but totally ignorant of the roots of their favorite genres. Punk kids who think Good Charlotte is as good as punk gets- fuck, I'm a metal guy and even I know about The Sex Pistols, Iggy Pop and the Stooges, The New York Dolls, and (god bless you Joey) The Ramones. Do I know everything? No. It wouldn't kill the kids to at least sample a few songs though. I have equally little respect for metal kids who think Cradle of Filth and Mudvayne are as heavy as it gets. Wrong answer- allow me to force-feed you some Iron Maiden or Slayer, little buddy. Then there are rap kids who think 50 Cent is fresh and new. Guess what, little suburban terrorist? NWA and Ice-T were doing that shit (and doing it better) 10 years ago. It won't kill you to listen to some De La Soul, LL Cool J, Run-DMC, Afrika Bambaata, or Grandmaster Melle Mel either. Know your history. I know mine, and as much as it frustrates me to hear fewer and fewer fresh bands hit the mainstream, it is nice to be able to tell that those guys in Godsmack were Rush and Alice in Chains fans.

People don't just "grow out of it", either. They just "grow older" and priorities change with responsibility. I can't help but feel at one time I may have fit your description to a T- as in "Tank Girl"!

I already agreed with you about this, so no point in rehashing it.

I am thankful to have experienced the reckless abandon of punk-fucking rock! You ought to get offa that hoppity horse of yours and try it sometime! The freedom of stage-diving 5 times and having your feet never touch the floor! The adrenaline that rushes you scream "motherfucker" over the mindless durge of maniacal noise!

It's cool that you're thankful for the punk. I am too. If it weren't for punk, Lemmy might've never left Hawkwind and formed Motorhead- and that's just one example (see? History.). One more that comes to mind are The Wildhearts. They are a bit punk, a bit metal, a bit pop-rock, and all a blast to hear.

Stage diving 5 times without touching the ground? You think that's unique to punk? Punk originated it, sure, but if you think that you can't get that elsewhere, you are wrong- even the nu-metal kiddies are doing that shit now. They stole it from you.

Screaming "motherfucker" over the mindless durge [sic] of maniacal noise....yes, we've done that too- ever hear Pantera play "Fucking Hostile" live? You wanna hear fucking noise? Listen to the guttural roar of a few thousand rabid metalheads shouting "HOSTILE!" as loud as they can. Even though he's not "purist" metal, you could even listen to thousands of Rob Zombie fans scream "Hey, YEAH!" along to "Superbeast." Go borrow a copy of Black Sabbath's Reunion set and listen to those fans rattle the roof in Birmingham during "Paranoid."

You should say "Thanks be to God" for the fact that monsters like me vent our frustrations through music, and not through bashing YOUR skull!

And once again, a chance to perhaps reach out to one metalhead and make some sort of contact is lost with this statement. This is what I don't fucking understand. I must need to do more reading, since I was a bit young for punk's heyday.

P.S. You no like punk?...Than no listen!

I am going to listen....at least until I have a good idea of what constitutes the real deal among the current bands and dig more into the pioneers beyond fucking Combat Rock, which most of my punk friends in college called "The Clash's Pop Album." You gave hair bands a chance, and didn't like 'em. Since I am going to try to learn more about punk, maybe you could give some other metal or hard rock a chance.

Now, can someone please explain to me why punks and metalheads hate each other so much? OK, so one is loud, chaotic, and raw, and the other is just as loud, somewhat controlled chaos. Big fucking deal. Here we are, fans of two of the last genres on earth that have any real passion for protest, unbridled emotion, or just outright debauchery, yet instead of turning to face our common enemies:

- commercialized, watered-down pop versions of the real deal(s), - repetitive, boring, unoriginal mainstream rap, - modern country music (which is basically twangier guitar pop), - big-name labels who keep talent down or hold them back in the name of profits (when letting the artists have total control would probably let them have more profits), - and homogenized radio stations that won't give new artists a chance until L.A. does,

we turn on each other over petty little things. Who cares which came first? Who cares which has more "musicianship?" Don't we all love the same things: loud-ass guitar, getting wasted, screaming in rage to the din, and having the best time of our fucking lives? Don't we both love tattoos and scaring the shit out of anyone who isn't with us? Don't we both love the idea of parents fearing that their children listen our favorite bands? Haven't we both already purchased one-way tickets straight to hell? I believe we have.

I have found evidence of punk vs. metal concerts already. Band battles as it were. I hope that one day headbangers and punks can rage together, whether it be to the likes of Prong or Rancid (fuck, see why I want to learn more about punk? I know a lot of punks can't stand Rancid). I want to see headbanger boys falling in love with punk rock girls. I want to see punk dudes making out with metal chicks. I want to see a guy lend someone his Megadeth CD for the weekend in exchange for borrowing an Operation Ivy CD. I want to see us standing together as one front, saying to the tools who turn our beloved tunes into tasteless, toothless mush to be forced down the throats of the masses "Enough! We are going to spread the word! We are going to show kids what rock and roll is all about, and you can't fucking stop us!"

I beseech you, brothers and sisters- if you love real music, music straight from the dark hearts and twisted minds of the people who play it- spread the word. Teach the kids that there's more to metal and punk than Puddle of Mudd and New Found Glory. Show them there is more to music than mainstream radio and (ugh) MTV. If they already know about getting away from the mainstream, encourage it. Let that punk kid listen to a track or two of Black Sabbath, and that metal kid listen to some of the Ramones. Who knows- if enough people realize they are being fed junk, maybe they will go cold turkey and the big record labels will take notice.

"Music can change the world."
--Ludwig van Beethoven

Rock on, Ludwig my man. Rock on.

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"I am sorry, but all questions must be submitted in writing."

1.1- fleshrender adds a new feature....

2004-01-26T14:50:00.003-08:00

Hey, kids!

Want to know what your bitter ol' Uncle Fleshy thinks of, well, anything?

See that link at the bottom of this post? About questions being submitted in writing? Click it and ask me something. If it's good enough it might make the blog!

NOTE: fleshrender reserves the right to do whatever he sees fit with your email. He agrees not to share your email address unless you grant permission. By submitting an email to ask_fleshrender, you waive the right to any guarantee of a prompt, correct, accurate, or humorous answer. You also waive the right to an answer at all. You also grant full copywright to fleshrender for the purposes of publishing your email here or elsewhere, and you agree not to use my response without quoting me. Put the blame where it belongs, kids. By submitting an email you also waive the right to avoid being mocked if you do "anything stupid," which includes (but is not limited to) any of the following: pathetic insult attempts, all caps (LIKE THIS), no punctuation, no capitalization, no sentence structure. If you are not a native English speaker or if you have difficulty writing coherent English, please say so as fleshrender will likely have a cheap laugh at your expense otherwise. Furthermore, fleshrender takes no responsibility for any events that occur as a direct or indirect result of following his advice. Fleshrender is not a licensed psychiatrist, psychologist, counselor, aide, or anything else. Use fleshrender's advice at your own discretion. Parental guidance is not suggested- they won't understand it either. Offer void where prohibited (which should be everywhere). Offer void to anyone who asks for help in transeferring money from the late President of Nigeria's offshore account- fuck you you fucking 419 scamming jizzmopper. Fleshrender does not like to boogie on the disco-round, yeah. In short- it's just my damned opinion, and anything you do with it is your responsibility.

---END OF LINE---

"I am sorry, but all questions must be submitted in writing."

More music and whatnot....

2004-01-26T14:45:00.000-08:00

Don't know why I've been obsessed with music lately. I suppose it's because musical tastes are seen as an easy way to judge someone, rather than taking the more difficult and proper route of getting to know someone.

In between job searching I was looking around on Sleazegrinder, and I went to the Flash Metal Suicide entry on Pantera. From there I went on to Dimebag and Vinnie's website for their new band Damageplan. Curious as to what others who like it loud were saying, I slipped into the forums.

Things like this remind me of how hard it is being a metal guy.

People were flaming each other left and right. Submoronic drooling peons who don't deserve to own a computer, much less have Internet access, were posting flame-bait about how the band sucked and how black metal is the coolest thing around. Sad, racist schmucks who still blame minorities for everything they hate about their lives saying "n----rs" this and "n----rs" that. Even more people throwing around such inspired insults as "u r a fag" and "u suk ur dad's dick." There were some regulars that actually bothered to form complete sentences. Some were pretty articulate. Most of them were passionate about their favorite bands and sub-genres.

Hold it. I need to establish my position here. First off, I'm not a racist. I am prejudiced though- we all are to some degree. Anyone who says they aren't is a goddamned liar. Me, I am prejudiced against ignorant fucks and people who refuse to use their brains. I am prejudiced against people who would judge me on anything except my character and personality. I am only fond of extremist Bible-thumping Christians because they are painfully easy to ridicule.

If you think I'm an arrogant asshole, that is fine with me. That is hating me in particular. Hating me because I'm white, a half-breed Jew, a borderline agnostic, a Southerner, college-educated, in a lower tax bracket, a political independent, or because I prefer a t-shirt and blue jeans to that cheap-ass mock-yuppie Old Navy crap makes you a moron. I would pity your sorry ass, if I cared.

The sad thing to me is that this type of metal fan is missing the point when they harbor racist or homophobic attitudes. Instead of fighting the real enemies- corporate fatcats who buy votes and strain the wealth gap to sickening lengths, these fools continue to blame blacks, or Jews, or gays, or leftists, or eco-terrorists, or other people who aren't the fucking problem. I promise, if there was an international Jewish conspiracy- I'd be there, man. I wouldn't be near-broke and writing this shit.

For you non-metal fans, we're not all a bunch of stupid rednecks. Some of us are quite intelligent- at worst, it is safe to say that there are no more idiot metal fans than there are idiot fans of other genres. Oh I'm wrong? Ten million copies of the Spice Girls sold? And no naked pinups in the liner notes? Explain that one, then.

And don't think I'm excepting classical fans either- one self-styled classical fan once told my father about how he planned on making a donation to the local "sympathy." That's right, not "symphony" but "sympathy." At least the dumber of metal fans actually like the music- too many people go to classical concerts to "look sophisticated" and don't know a fugue from a concerto.

I know a decent amount of metal history because I was a dedicated fan of Headbanger's Ball and metal magazines, and I have a cousin who used to play lead guitar for Atlanta-based Witch Doctor. I've even read an anthropological book about it. So I'm more of the scholarly type of fan. Am I as 'metal' as those crazy guys who spent their teens and twenties in New York or L.A, playing for next-to-no money in sleazy dives every night and getting drunk/high? No, nor will I claim to be. I'm just a dude from middle-class, suburban America who tapped into the fueled anger and lust that metal offered to me. Once I heard the crunch of those loud guitars, I was done. I first got in because of the rebellious vibe, but I stayed for the loud guitars and blistering bass, the pounding drums and the sometimes screechy, sometimes guttural, but rarely dull vocals. I liked a fair number of bands from the grunge era because I could tell they listened to metal or at the least Black Sabbath and/or the metal-inspiring Led Zeppelin.

If it was loud, I liked it (and still do). I am by no means a purist metalhead. I like the originators like Sabbath and Judas Priest, those who continued the tradition like Metallica and Megadeth, those who put their own twist on metal like Anthrax and Prong, and even loud grunge bands like Alice In Chains, Nudeswirl, and Gruntruck. In my opinion, Alice was a metal band dragged kicking and screaming under the grunge umbrella. Listen to the stuff from Facelift and compare it with Dirt. Grunge-type lyrics, but there's metal guitar grooves under the veneer.

I understand that the radio business is about making money. I worked as a peon for a radio station for a year. Some say radio has gotten worse since the AOR (album-oriented rock) trend started dying off in the late 70's. I am not so sure about that, but I can say that in the 80's there were stations, or at least DJs, who would take chances and play new acts that they thought were promising or at least had one good single. Even the Top 40 station where I live, back in the late 80's and into 1990, was playing obscure groups I had never heard of before- local acts, not necessarily the hottest thing from the two Big Cities. Stuff that didn't even make it into Rolling Stone or Spin (back when those magazines still meant something). Yeah, there was a lot of mainstream schlock, but every so often you'd hear something and say "Whoa, who is this?" Even the schlock back then had some variety.

Now, thanks to the wonders of deregulation, all of the stations sound the same. Well, not every single one, but 98% of stations of any given format have the same, or almost the same playlists with very little deviation. A college buddy of mine once timed how long a Top 40 station's playlist went before it repeated itself over a period of days. This is what bored smart people do. The results? The playlist, with very few exceptions, repeated every 2½ hours. Every so often they would change out a song and then repeat the new list again and again. Now all of the stations wait with baited breath to see what New York or (especially) L.A. tells them is "hot."

What do we get now? The same sappy-ass, tired pop shit that Christopher Cross was doing (and doing better mind you) in 1979. Instead of rap that's interesting, funny, or has a real message, we get the same money-and-hoes bullshit that was done ten years ago (and yes, I like listening to old-school rap from time to time. It's great party music that doesn't scare the non-metal people as much). Instead of hearing truly interesting metal or hard rock bands, we hear droll, dull rock-rap/rap metal with mostly white-bread rappers who are as suburban as I am.

We've had this new '1978' (my term for it) retro thing shoved down our throats too, with the likes of The White Stripes, The Strokes, and Jet. I admit it- I like "Fell In Love With A Girl." Raw, cheap-sounding, and fun, plus a video done entirely in Lego (hey, I am part geek after all). I also liked "Last Night" until I heard another Strokes song that sounded almost exactly the same (and another after that). Jet's "Are You Gonna Be My Girl" sounds an awful lot like "Last Night" with a Black Crowes-ish hook tacked on the end of the main riff. In the end, I will probably download "Fell In Love..." from Rhapsody or whatever and be done with this fad. Don't even get me started on The Vines....

Then there's nü-metal....ah yes....some people call it "carrying the torch," others a "blasphemy." Creed annoys the crap out of me. Too sappy. Disturbed had a good, fun (if relatively brainless) single in "Stupefy." Admit it, it's not a bad little riff either. Godsmack, I will admit I have a soft spot for them. They have an interesting pseudo-mysticism vibe, they started as an Alice In Chains cover band, they dedicated a song to Rush's Neil Pert (one of, if not the best drummer of all time), and they seem to have bits of The Cult swimming around in their music. I haven't bought any CDs of theirs but I can't help but like 'em. I'm getting soft in my old age, heh heh. I like Korn too, in small doses. Does this mean I think they're "real" metal? No. They are fun to listen to sometimes though, you just have to remember that they have been run through a pop filter.

And anyone that thinks I'm not a metal fan because I actually know a bit about how the music biz really works, sit down, shut the fuck up, and pay attention. If you can prove you have been in the biz and know what you're talking about (and I will know), then I will defer to you and even share your thoughts here. Until you've seen the business from even the semi-insider perspective that my job as a radio flunky gave me, you know nothing.

Which brings me back to my anti-over-capitalist argument. Deregulation, instead of creating more competition, has all but killed radio. Instead of more variety, we have even less. I pray that Sirius and XM Radio get a lot of business and make conventional radio wake up.

"But what about internet stations," you ask? Let's face it- they don't have the kind of reach radio does. Yes, they can be accessed worldwide, but it only takes about a minute or two to scan the dial. Not enough people have ready access to broadband that would allow them to search internet radio that quickly. Even if they do, web radio is still seen as a gimmick. Most people, when looking for an ISP, don't say "does your service have any problems with streaming audio from _____?" Give it time, as I do think eventually it will mean more. Internet radio just doesn't seem to have that big an impact right now, from a business point of view.

The music business used to say "hey, this band plays good music that will make us money if we sign them." Now it's "hey, this band will make us money if we sign them and have them play what we think is good music." Don't believe me? How else did Britney Spears ever get a record deal? It's not like she can sing or anything- she has "a look" (as it is called) and can work a crowd on stage. To deny that she can't get a crowd going is foolish. To pass her songs off as anything but overproduced pop fluff is even more so. Three simple words: Britney can't sing. She really is the new Madonna because Madonna could work up a crowd but has a lousy voice too.

The endless bickering about what is thrash, speed metal, black metal, heavy metal, progressive metal, or whatever else is pointless. It's really more a question of "does it rock?" If it makes you want to put your fist (or the "sign of the devil") in the air, than it probably does. If you wish you had a rock slut and beer/Jack Daniel's/Jim Beam to go along with it, it probably does too. If it makes you want to mope around and feel depressed about your last breakup, or makes you want to write stupid poetry, it probably doesn't.

Rock is about rage; anger at what is really wrong with society. Rock is about lust; acknowledging and sometimes even celebrating your primal urges. But more importantly, as I say below, above all else, real rock is about an earsplitting, raucous, sometimes sleazy, but always fun time. It celebrates the realization that in the end, everyone rock, metal, punk, or none of the above are just looking to get drunk, or high, or laid, or paid, or a combination of the above at the end of the night. Whether it's the debauchery of hair bands, the driving thunder of speed metal, or the sleazy bar-rock of bands like Buckcherry, it comes down to a bunch of people who, despite all their differences, are all there to hear some loud-ass music and have some damn fun.

And what, pray tell, is wrong with that?

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"I am sorry, but all questions must be submitted in writing."

It is hard to come up with a good rant....

2004-01-25T21:35:00.007-08:00

When you are busy as all hell. Good ranters have a lot of time on their hands, or they get paid to do it. Between selling old memories (namely, Transformers) and continuing to find a job that will let me escape the corner I've spent 5 years painting myself into, it's been busy.

No, the Shadows of Undrentide expansion for Neverwinter Nights has nothing to do with it. Okay, so I killed my weekend playing it. Deal with it.

You want a good, high-quality rant? Leave it up to Pepsi Sheen, Flash Metal expert at Sleazegrinder.com, to give one a new perspective on hair band legends Motley Crue. Click here to read it.

Now granted, I wasn't aware of all of the details of Razzle's (drummer from Hanoi Rocks) death, except that Vince Neil was drug-and-boozed all up to hell, and Razzle rode with him to the next party before the crash occurred. Now to find out about the new Crue DVD mocking the seriousness of that crash bugs the shit out of me.

Drunk driving being patently stupid aside, it'd be different if Neil had plowed into a tree and no one else had been hurt. But he basically killed Razzle and got off with little punishment. Sadly, this is one particular crime he might not have needed to have as much "stroke" to avoid the full punishment (where I live, DUI doesn't seem to be a big deal- it's sad). Now they're making fun of the whole thing and using it as a device to sell more product.

His article gets off onto tangents briefly, but they do remain salient to the bottom line: The Crue are some of the most selfish, excessive, juvenile bastards in rock'n'roll history. Sadly, Pepsi my man (rather presumptuous to say that, but hey, I love the man's work and if I ever meet him the first beer's on me), the truth is, that's why people love them. That attitude's what made them their money. They act rebellious and defiant, yet they milk "the system" for all it is worth.

I have to take a few exceptions though, as I always do. First off, I think it is good that he focuses his attack on Nikki Sixx and to a lesser degree, Vince Neil. Tommy Lee is, well, just too stupid to put that "I'm a rebel" crap on and yet still be a big celebrity. I think he is wise to the fact that he has made an assload of money, the fact that he is very fortunate, and the fact that he can only be a rebel in the studio these days....maybe the prison stint cleared it up a bit. He is rumored to be a major dick, but at least he puts on a good show of being grateful for the cameras (assuming he’s not sincere). Give him credit for at least accepting, nay, for embracing his celebrity status. Besides, he's not with the Crue anymore.

As for Mick Mars, well, let's face it- he's just glad he was able to hang with some young kids that ended up being "cool." That'd be like my late-20's ass hooking up with a bunch of teenagers in a band that turned out to be the next, say, Sum 41 or something (to use an example of barely-20's pop stars). Can you blame the guy for taking advantage of that? I sure as shit would. With all of the charges Pepsi leveled at the Crue, how much do you think Mick Mars played in that? We hardly know the guy, except he likes playing guitar, he's old, and he's a bit quirky even for a rock star. Mick never complains about not being a rebel because he hardly says anything.

The Beastie Boys have done more than their fair share of charity work....if it weren't for them my then-ignorant ass might never have heard about the situation in Tibet- y'know, the one everyone's forgotten (along with hundreds of other injustices at home and abroad) in the wake of "Rebuild Iraq fever." Spoiled, privileged, maybe....but they are trying to do something with it for others. That certainly has to count for something. Also, they never claimed to be anything but the frat-boy goofs that they are.

This quote gives everyone reading this something to think about. I took pause, that's for sure (his caps, not mine):

NEW RULE: IF YOU CURRENTLY OWN MORE THAN THREE PAIRS OF CREEPERS, OR 100 CD'S [sic], STOP YOUR FUCKING SOBBING.

Think about it. If you can read this, there are people out there who have it worse than you.

I know I have it pretty good....but I remain miserable, which makes me feel even worse about it, which in turn feeds my misery. It's not "normal," but it is there nonetheless. Once I can afford medication, I will probably take it again, so I can have normal ups and downs instead of the overhanging gloom that marks a typical day for me. I hate it. I try to remind myself of these things both to keep my life in perspective and as a half-hearted attempt to cheer myself up.

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Bored...

2004-01-22T23:36:00.001-08:00

Antisocial Indifference

Which Inner Demon (tm) Possesses You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Damn it....two days and I haven't ranted yet....eh, give it time.

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Jury Duty is fun....

2004-01-22T11:50:00.000-08:00

Well, jury duty is over.

There were 12 picked plus an alternate. I was one of the original 12 but I got sent home as the "extra."

Upside- I am done.

Downside- I have a feeling the guy's going to get nailed to the wall. Hope I'm wrong.

It all boils down to a case of opinion vs. opinion and testimony vs. testimony. In light of everything (which would take forever to go over, just like it did during the trial), I felt that out of the charges (possession with intent to sell coke, possession with intent to sell marijuana, and underage drinking), he was only guilty of underage drinking and "simple" possession of marijuana (i.e. having a small amount typefied by a pot smoker, not a dealer).

While I have my suspicions about the guy's involvement, as the evidence was presented in court, I couldn't have convicted him fully. The other man involved was driving the vehicle where the drugs were found. He was also high on cocaine at the time of his arrest and already pled guilty to lesser possession charges to avoid a harsher sentence "because they were in my car and I was going to be held liable anyway."

I assure you I didn't base my conclusions solely on that fact alone, but it, combined with his fuzzy testimony, certainly played a part.

Today was a perfect example of how imperfect our court system can be, despite the fact that it is better than other systems in the world. Deep down, I suspect both guys knew exactly what was going on and each denied everything in order to avoid punishment (or in the driver's case, reduce it). But based on what was presented in court, there wasn't enough proof the defendant did it all.

My big question is- what about fingerprints? Do plastic baggies not hold a print?

Anyway, I'll rant about stuff later.

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2004-01-21T23:51:00.000-08:00

I suppose I should say a little more to get things rolling.

OK, how about I start with the title explanation?

That's an easy one. "Black Dahlia" is the title of an Anthrax song. Not very original.

There's something about the way John Bush repeats the line "Black dahlia's in my head" that just made it feel right.

By the way, the latest album is called We've Come For You All. If you're sick of your stupid, poseur friends telling you how "hardcore" their favorite emo, punk-pop, or nu-metal group is, get this CD and school 'em in how to kick ass.

And tell 'em fleshrender says "your music is for fucking poseurs." (That's pronounced "posers;" I just give credit to old-school skaters for spelling it the snooty French way).

Back to jury duty tomorrow. Once the trial's over I'll naturally editorialize the whole thing. I'm a rat bastard and I have a fucking reputation to maintain.

---END OF LINE---

The beginning of something....crusty.

2004-01-21T23:10:00.000-08:00

Congratulations, fleshrender. You have a blog now.

You've finally caught up to 1999.

Whoo!

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